Ivorian Crisis Sparks False Hopes of Irish Revolution as Diaspora Confuse Flags

Yamoussoukro – There have been many strange twists in the recent Ivorian crisis over the disputed election results between incumbent president Laurent Gbagbo and challenger Alassane Ouattara, but the strangest may have come last week when a petition signed by 12,000 members of the Irish diaspora urged Mr. Ouattara to “shove those Fianna Fáil bastards into the Irish Sea.”

The Ivory Coast has traditionally been divided between a Muslim North and Christian South and its national flag attempts to bond the two groups by showing an orange (Christian) and green (Muslim) stripe united by the white stripe of peace.

Ivorians protest under a confusingly Irish-looking flag.

Ivorians protest under a confusingly Irish-looking flag.

Observers have speculated that this flag’s similarity to the Irish flag may have caused some confusion among the Irish diaspora, many of whom were somewhat inebriated when they saw the reports on CNN.

Read the petition, “It is with great delight that we, the Irish diaspora, have viewed public images of people taking to the streets in protest while waving the proud Irish tricolour. We fully support these revolutionary actions and will offer material support to everyone working to bury Fianna Fáil with the 20th century, where it belongs.”

“On a side note, we are also surprised and encouraged by the number of black Irish people protesting,” remarked the petition. “We had no idea the country was now so ethnically diverse.”

Mr. Ouattara said he was both humbled and baffled by the unexpected level of Irish support. “I do not know who these people you speak of are, or what exactly you think is going on here,” said Mr. Ouattara in a speech to the Irish diaspora. “And we have had great difficulty understanding the reference to ‘hounding the cute hoors out of politics.’”

Alassane Ouattara has become a hero to the Irish diaspora, despite repeatedly hanging the flag the wrong way up.

Alassane Ouattara has become a hero to the Irish diaspora, despite repeatedly hanging the flag the wrong way up.

“But your donations have been most welcome. Please continue to send us financial aid, although we are not sure sending us guns is a good idea.”

President Laurent Gbagbo cautioned his fellow Ivorians against allowing themselves be influenced by the Irish. “These people have systematically destroyed their own country and now they want to come here and destroy ours,” he warned. “If Ouattara gets in, he will feel obliged to grant these people residency permits and then we will be swarmed with these human locusts.”

“Do you want a drunk singing the ‘Wild Rover’ on every street corner?” demanded Gbagbo to shouts of ‘No!’ from the crowd. “Do you want to have to wear stupid green hats every March 17? Do you want to have to avoid your local bars because there’s some maudlin and lonely old expat sitting in the corner talking about the Ould Sod? Do you want to be Boston, is that what you want?”

The furious crowd roared ‘No!No! No!’ and tried to chant Gbagbo’s name but couldn’t pronounce it.

A spokesman for the UN peacekeeping mission, Sir Bernard Wolstoneham, said: “The last thing we need here is the damned Irish! Great Scott, are none of them sober enough to look at an atlas? Did none of them think it looked unseasonably sunny in those reports?”

Laurent Gbagbo cheers the one person able to pronounce his name properly.

Laurent Gbagbo cheers the one person able to pronounce his name properly.

“And all of the protesters were black!” he added in disbelief. “What part of Ireland did they think these protests were going on in?”

The diaspora have since apologised and retracted their original statements after a planeload of fired-up patriots flew into Dublin to join the revolution.

“Yeah, we just thought it was about fuckin’ time, y’know?” said Kevin McGrath (26), who has been working in the US since he lost his job in the financial crisis. “I mean, an undemocratically elected leader just bankrupted the nation and refuses to yield power – is there some reason why we shouldn’t take to the streets and have a revolution?”

“But then we got here and immediately realised our mistake. Things are worse than ever – a lot of people don’t even have running water any more – but everyone was just sittin’ around, wringin’ their hands and saying ‘wasn’t it terrible about poor Gerry Ryan?’”

“Now I just hope I can get out of here in time for the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Boston,” he said hopelessly, as he sat in Dublin Airport with thousands of docile others, waiting for a flight back to the US.

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