Bertie Ahern to Fellow Rats: “We Have Served this Sinking Ship Proudly.”

Dublin – Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, who led Ireland from unparalleled economic prosperity in 1997 to the brink of economic collapse in 2008, retired from politics over the New Year to take his seat in the lifeboat along with the other rats.

Said Ahern, “It is with great faith in our shared future, with true hope and with no regret that I have come to my decision tonight – to get the hell out of here before this baby goes under.”

The former rat tribe King waves goodbye to the suckers still on board the good ship Ireland.

“We`ve eaten all the biscuits here anyway,” he said to his loyal rat tribe on the Ship of State’s bridge. “Now with Brian Cowen keeping us full steam ahead for the iceberg, we will head for the lifeboats before anyone notices we devoured all the cheese rations, too.”

Ahern had a successful career as leader of the Ship of State’s largest rat tribe, gradually working his way up along the rat hierarchy by savaging all those who stood in his way. However, Ahern was quick to pay tribute to those former leaders whose lifeless bodies he had danced on and eaten.

“That generation lived through harrowing times. Everything they achieved, even survival itself, was a struggle – given how hard I was trying to shaft them,” said Ahern. “I learned a great deal from the Rat Master, Charlie Haughey, who was my mentor in the ways of both petty theft and grand larceny.”

“And I particularly enjoyed shafting my predecessor Albert Reynolds, when he tried to run for President and I stabbed him in the back,” said Ahern, smiling fondly at memories of old friends long vanquished.

Charlie Haughey taught Ahern the proper respect due the Irish people.

“I especially want to extend my good wishes to our Taoiseach Brian Cowen, who is a leader of great ability and decency,” said Ahern, flourishing once again his talent for brazen lying and licking the arse of the powerful. “He has my enduring respect.”

Despite his reputation within the rat tribe for ruthless cunning, Ahern courted popularity with the other animals on board by secretly raiding the long-term food stores and distributing them all for free while encouraging the masses to call him ‘Bertie,’ the cuddly rat with the twitchy nose from next door. By the time his scheme was rumbled, however, Ahern had already stashed an enormous supply of food in the lifeboats in preparation for escape.

Said Ahern, “When I came into office, the average rat made a mere €44.067 in basic salary. By 2006, that had more than doubled to €96,950. That’s about €10,000 more than the average British rat, who serves more people in a more demanding environment.”

“And that’s not even counting the special allowances and expenses!” declared Ahern triumphantly. “From 2005-2008, Ireland’s 166 rats received €97,637,195.65, an average of €588,175.88 per rat in three years. And we still did a shit job!”

“As somebody who had the great privilege of leading the Irish people, I believe in the courage and in the capacity of our country, if not its intelligence or common sense.”

Taoiseach Brian Cowen tries to hide his disappointment that he can't abandon ship with the others.

In recent months, however, the consequences of Ahern’s disastrous leadership have become increasingly apparent. Not only are all the long-term food stores gone, in the panic the rat tribe have pointed the ship straight for the iceberg and gone to full throttle.

The rat tribe has steadily been preparing its exodus now for some weeks. First, Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern announced that he would not seek re-election in 2011. He was swiftly followed by Minister for Transport Noel Dempsey, who also said this was the right time for him to retire from politics, one day after fellow rat Beverley Flynn announced that she, too, wanted to put her family first.

Ahern’s announcement that he also will not contest the next election means that the rats are running thick and fast from the wrath of their shipmates, who have woken up to the giant swindle too late to make a difference.

An emotional Ahern said, “Politics is about love of country and politics is about concern for one’s community. I love Ireland so much I’m taking its valuables with me, for the good of my community – the FF rat tribe.”

“Now let’s get the fuck out of this sinking bankrupt shithole,” he said, leading the rat tribe to the boats where there were plenty of women and children to devour.