Survey: 32% of Men Say Sharon Ní Bheoláin Primary Reason to Go On

Dublin – As Ireland heads into the darkness of an economic storm, there is at least one shining light left for many despairing Irishmen, for whom the gloom would be unrelieved were it not for the luminous presence on our nation’s screens of newsreader Sharon Ní Bheoláin.

Sharon Ní Bheoláin said she was surprised and disturbed by the findings.

Sharon Ní Bheoláin said she was surprised and disturbed by the findings.

A recent survey by on Irish attitudes found that depression was rising alarmingly, particularly among young unemployed men facing increasingly bleak futures. However, Ireland has avoided a spike in suicides due to the daily tonic given by the Six-One News, and in particular co-anchor Sharon Ní Bheoláin.

“Oh, I wouldn’t go that far now!” said Andrew Hayes (34) with a laugh as he continued to wash cutlery at his local Burger King. “I know I said it on the survey, but that was just for a laugh. I didn’t know so many other lads would use the same joke.”

Hayes was previously a graphic designer, but since November 2009 has been working part-time as a dishwasher to make ends meet and help him get out of the house and meet interesting new people.

“It was just hard to think of any other answer,” he said, his voice trailing off suddenly as he examined a steak knife closely. “I mean, I’m 34 years old, and I’ve been working part-time at Burger King for over a year now. My fiancée left me and emigrated to Canada six months ago. I had to move into my parents’ attic to save rent.”

He stopped and through the deathly silence stared intently at the glowing steel blade of the razor-sharp steak knife with mounting intensity before closing his eyes tight. “I wonder if she’ll be wearing the low cut black outfit tonight,” he muttered through clenched teeth. “She does look great in that.”

The survey reported that the low-cut black outfit had saved thousands of lives.

The survey reported that the low-cut black outfit had saved thousands of lives.

Hayes’ case is by no means unusual. A new support group has emerged to help those for whom Sharon Ní Bheoláin is the only reason to live.

“To be honest, we were just surprised that it was only one-in-three men,” said Frank Molloy (42), an unemployed former lorry driver, at a meeting of the group in the packed ballroom of the Merrion Hotel.

“Maybe some lads who have wives and kids can’t openly admit it. They have to keep up a good show about loving their families and all that. Sure, I’d run out on the lot of them tomorrow if it wasn’t for Sharon every day on the Six One,” declared Molloy, to shouts of agreement from those around him.

“But then we started wondering what we’d do if anything happened to Sharon,” continued Molloy. “I mean, what if some RTE executive decided he needed to shake things up, maybe get someone younger? Or the BBC or CNN tried to poach her? Who would be there to firebomb these people’s houses and persuade them to leave her where she belongs?”

The group threatened action against co-anchor Bryan Dobson if he doesn't get his ugly face off the screen.

The group threatened action against co-anchor Bryan Dobson if he doesn't get his ugly face off the screen.

“That’s why we’re working in teams to follow Sharon everywhere,” he said. “Wherever you go, Sharon, you’ll see you’re surrounded by Irishmen, maybe looking like they’re just out walking the dog or driving to the shop or stepping out for a cigarette. None of them are there by chance.”

“Rest assured, Sharon, we’re not just watching you, we’re watching out for you,” added Molloy in a statement bound to reassure Miss Ní Bheoláin of her safety.

Also present was the former head of Ireland’s National Psychiatric Council, Dr. Maurice Gallagher (58), who said RTE needed to reconsider its wardrobe policy with regard to Miss Ní Bheoláin.

“Our research indicates that if she just opened her blouse another couple of buttons, thereby revealing some more tantalising glimpses of her firm, bountiful cleavage, or perhaps stood away from the desk in a skirt rising two inches above the knee with a high split, we might be able to cut the suicide rate in Ireland by about 30%,” said Dr. Gallagher, who was forced into early retirement by public service cuts.

This rare picture of Sharon with husband led to "Lemming Sunday" in 2009.

This rare picture of Sharon with husband led to "Lemming Sunday" in 2009.

“Please, Sharon, we’re begging you!” added Dr. Gallagher, his voice suddenly breaking in long-suppressed emotion.

Hayes said information provided by the support group had really helped him. “Do you know she’s married?” he asked in surprise. “And to some Irish lad as well. Can you imagine coming home every day to Sharon Ní Bheoláin? ‘Can you pass the salt, please, thou golden-haired goddess of Beauty?’ It’s comforting to know there’s at least one Irishman who knows what it’s like to be happy.”

“Now I just have to find the bastard,” he said, thrusting the steak knife into his backpack.

One Response to Survey: 32% of Men Say Sharon Ní Bheoláin Primary Reason to Go On

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Survey: 32% of Men Say Sharon Ní Bheoláin Primary Reason to Go On « Views from the Lifeboat -- Topsy.com

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