Lehman Brothers Apologises to Bertie Ahern

New York – Since the financial crisis revealed the shocking extent of moral and fiscal bankruptcy in both Irish banking and politics, former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has consistently blamed the collapse of Lehman Brothers for all of Ireland’s problems, much to the country’s derision.

Ahern celebrates his vindication after hearing of the Lehman Brothers' apology.

Ahern celebrates his vindication after hearing of the Lehman Brothers' apology.

Today, however, the Ahern version of events received support from an unexpected quarter as Lehman Brothers issued an official apology to Mr. Ahern for the damage it caused his reputation.

“For a long time we tried to deny the truth,” said a lawyer reading a statement for the now-defunct investment bank. “But it’s time to face reality and acknowledge our own mistakes and how those mistakes have hurt ordinary people.”

“Bertie Ahern was right when he said: ‘That decision will in history be written as the biggest mistake that American administration ever made, because Lehmans was a world investment bank. They had testicles everywhere.’ We did have testicles everywhere, and one of them has unfortunately lodged itself in Mr. Ahern’s reputation and legacy.”

“Mr. Ahern was one of the greatest political leaders in Irish history and now his reputation lies in ruins because of our selfish, short-sighted actions,” continued the statement. “A man who should have lived the rest of his days as honorary father of the nation is now one of the most derided and reviled figures in Ireland, and for that we must take responsibility.”

“Bertie,” said the lawyer representing Lehman Brothers, his voice suddenly breaking under the weight of emotional poignancy, “we’re sorry.”

"Lehman's all-American testicles were everywhere and everyone wanted one," claimed Ahern.

"Lehman's all-American testicles were everywhere and everyone wanted one," claimed Ahern.

In September 2008, as the scale of the sub-prime mortgage crisis in the US was becoming apparent, Lehman Brothers was forced to declare bankruptcy, thereby precipitating the Great Recession. As shockwaves rippled across the globe, it turned out that virtually all Irish banks had been loaning out billions so property developers could build McMansions in Leitrim for the imminent deluge of multimillionaires wanting to live in remote parts of Ireland.

The shocking news that Leitrim would not become the new Monaco, despite the best efforts of the Ahern government, led to the collapse of the Irish economy, forcing it to declare bankruptcy and accept an IMF bailout in 2010.

A former partner for Lehman Brothers said: “I know we caused an incredible amount of hardship around the world, but it really only hits home when you see what it did to poor people like Bertie Ahern.”

“Some people have been blaming him for corruption, incompetence, and outrageous fiscal profligacy. Even his most innocent actions are now under suspicion.”

"Leitrim could still be the new Monaco - you just have to use your imagination a little," insisted Ahern.

"Leitrim could still be the new Monaco - you just have to use your imagination a little," insisted Ahern.

“People don’t believe him when he said he won those undocumented campaign funds by betting on a horse – some people even outrageously suggested there was a culture of politicians taking bribes from property developers and bankers in exchange for beneficial regulations.”

“At Lehman Brothers, it hurts us every day to see such false accusations.”

“And then there were the accusations of how he wasted the taxpayers’ money,” continued the senior partner, shaking his head sadly. “It’s true that Bertie voted himself a higher salary than either the American president or the German Chancellor, but look what a good job he was doing!”

“And they accuse him of giving pay raises the country couldn’t afford to influential public sector unions, but lavishly rewarding employees is something we always do in investment banking and it hasn’t done us any harm.”

"I'd confess to the JFK assassination if she asked me to," said the senior partner achingly.

"I'd confess to the JFK assassination if she asked me to," said the senior partner achingly.

“But most painful of all was when Bertie seemed to accept the idea in an interview with a Polish newspaper that he was responsible, in some small way, for Ireland’s financial crisis,” said the anonymous senior partner. “But Bertie reassured us that he was just trying to seem sympathetic in order to get up the skirt of Zuzanna Reda, the hot Polish girl doing the interview.”

“You know how those Polish girls are!” said the former investment banker with a huge grin. “Man, with their smouldering eyes and open low-cut blouses, they could charm a sincere apology out of George Bush for the Iraq War.”

Bertie Ahern said he felt vindicated by Lehman Brothers’ belated apology. “For a long time the Irish people have tried to deny the truth,” said Mr. Ahern. “But it’s time to face reality and acknowledge your mistakes and how those mistakes have hurt ordinary people, like me.”

Added Mr. Ahern, “I did nothing but good, you shower of ingrates.”

One Response to Lehman Brothers Apologises to Bertie Ahern

  1. Pingback: Quotes of the Crisis: your suggestions? - Page 21

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