Australia Stubbornly Refuses to Set Israelites Free

Bundaberg, Australia – Most other countries would have yielded by now, but their stubborn pioneer spirit means that, despite years of having the wrath of Yahweh visited upon them in the form of terrible plagues of fire and flood, Australians continue to refuse to let the Israelites go free.

Said Prime Minister Julia Gillard: “’As devastating as these [biblical] floods are, we are seeing a magnificent response by all levels of government and by emergency personnel. The overwhelming sentiment is one of resilience and one of care and concern for their neighbours. That sense of community pulling together, that Australian sense that when times are tough we work together and look after each other.”

Gillard leads by example in casually ignoring the gigantic biblical flood behind her.

Gillard leads by example in casually ignoring the gigantic biblical flood behind her.

Added Gillard: “Those Israelites won’t be going anywhere.”

For some years now, Australia has been holding the Israelites in detention centres located in the desert while they process their right to asylum. Angered by bureaucratic delays and shoddy living conditions, Moses has demanded their immediate release to the Promised Land or else he will invoke the power of Yahweh to send ten deadly plagues upon the people of Australia.

In response the Australian government said it does not negotiate with terrorist divinities.

True to his word, however, Yahweh has brought plague on plague to the tormented Antipodes. First came the plague of rabbits, followed by dingoes that ate first-born babies, followed by crocs. However, Australia was saved by the heroic actions of legendary crocodile hunter Mick Dundee, who single-handedly tamed the crocs, ate the dingoes’ babies, and bested the rabbits in a trial of wits.

Legendary hero Mick Dundee plays with new tame crocodile, gives Yahweh the finger.

Legendary hero Mick Dundee plays with new tame crocodile, gives Yahweh the finger.

Angered, Yahweh stepped it up by plaguing Australians with the ten deadliest spiders, the ten deadliest snakes, and the ten most suicide-inducing soap operas, including such notorious serial killers as Neighbours and Home and Away. Again, Australians were saved by a tough-talking Queenslander – this time Steve Irwin, who single-handedly gave Australians something better to watch on TV by fighting the world’s deadliest animals in single combat.

Enraged by the invincible manliness of the average Australian digger, Yahweh has unleashed a serious of natural disaster plagues on the troubled continent. In 2007 a drought threatened the land, but was defeated when Australians prayed for rain to the Christian God, who is notoriously on bad terms with Yahweh and will do anything to make him look bad in front of the Israelites.

In 2009, Yahweh unleashed a plague of fire upon the burning land, and spoke to the people of Australia from out of the burning bush: “By Satan’s scrotum, the Egyptians were ready to wimp out after the plague of frogs! What will it take for you to give up?”

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd spoke for all Australians when he said: “We’re not a bunch of Mediterranean wogs, mate – we’re Australians. There’s nothing you can dish out that we can’t barbecue and eat for breakfast.”

A local man nonchalantly pushes the biblical flood out of his shop with an old broom.

A local man nonchalantly pushes the biblical flood out of his shop with an old broom.

Now massively pissed off, Yahweh has unleashed the ninth plague of Australia, a flood covering an area the size of France and Germany combined which has displaced over 200,000 people.

“Drought, fire, flood, what does this Yahweh think we are – a bunch of wusses?” asked local man Geoff Harris (31) unconcernedly as he single-handedly rowed his entire town to safety on a makeshift raft made of crocodile skin. “Those Israelites better settle in for the long haul here, ‘coz we ain’t budgin’ for some Wog deity and his flamin’ plagues.”

Prime Minister Julia Gillard announced that, as a security precaution, all first-born sons should be monitored closely over the next year. Those wishing to contribute to Australia’s heroic stand against God can do so at this website.

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