England Still Determined to Follow Irish ‘Economic Miracle’, to Irish Joy

London – Misery loves company, and in the spirit of good neighbours Ireland has found some cheer during its time of hardship by watching its ancient foe England deliberately choose to follow the Irish path off the cliff.

"Imagine it, live on the BBC," said Mr. Galway. "You'd be a Republican fucking hero."

"Imagine it, live on the BBC," said Mr. Galway. "You'd be a Republican fucking hero."

“Oh, that’s enough to warm the heart,” said Patrick Galway (41), an economics lecturer from Limerick. “If there’s anything that can make the Irish people feel better now, other than the mass suicide of Fianna Fáil, it’s watching the English shoot themselves in the foot.”

“And to lead them to the water’s edge so the shark can bite their noses off is like pounding the Queen doggystyle live on the BBC while waving the tricolour and singing the national anthem.”

Ireland had been one of the world’s economic darlings, with reckless borrowing fuelling a heady standard of living increase – until 2008, when the financial crisis revealed we had mortgaged everything for a seat at casino capitalism and were now skint and down to our socks and underwear.

Fortunately, our foolhardy strategy of Advanced Recession Survival Economics, or ARSE, has dazzled the English sitting next to us, who are stripping the shirt off their back and throwing it into the pot as we speak.

In 2006, then Shadow Chancellor George Osborne (now Chancellor of the Exchequer) said: “A generation ago, the very idea that a British politician would go to Ireland to see how to run an economy would have been laughable. The Irish Republic was seen as Britain’s poor and troubled country cousin, a rural backwater on the edge of Europe. Today things are different. Ireland stands as a shining example of the art of the possible in long-term economic policymaking, and that is why I am in Dublin: to listen and to learn.”

Mr. Galway reread the article’s opening paragraph and sniggered. “Actually, by 2006 the OECD was already warning that we were experiencing a massive property bubble and our public sector pay was ballooning out of control. But once you get some of that fine Black Bush whisky into an English gent, you can tell them any tall tale about the little people and they’ll believe it.”

Osborne is known to be an ardent lover of Irish ARSE.

Osborne is known to be an ardent lover of Irish ARSE.

Osborne was particularly struck by the quality of Irish fiddling. “In Ireland they have doubled spending on public services in the past decade while reducing taxes and shrinking the State’s share of national income. So not only does Ireland now have lower business and income taxes than the UK, there are also twice as many hospital beds per head of population.”

“Oh, I can’t believe he thought that was sustainable!” chuckled Mr. Galway. “He just loves Ireland’s ARSE, Mr Osborne. What he wouldn’t give for England to have an ARSE like Ireland’s.”

Since getting into power, Mr. Osborne has enacted an English version of ARSE, much to the amusement of Ireland’s citizens. In the 2010 Budget, Mr. Osborne announced the only way to fight recession was to slash government spending, before pausing to take a piss on the grave of John Maynard Keynes.

Mr. Osborne then announced a radical new programme to help drive English growth – massive cuts to social welfare, new tax increases, and a 300% increase in student fees.

“Because, you see, as the Irish economic miracle clearly demonstrates, if we slash child benefit and the like, poor people will have less money to buy things with, which means they’ll have to get jobs,” said Mr. Osborne.

“And there will be plenty of jobs, what with reduced consumer spending in the face of higher taxes, public sector pay freezes, and reduced welfare,” said Mr. Osborne enthusiastically.

An Irish man decides to give England a taste of the coming economic miracle.

An Irish man decides to give England a taste of the coming economic miracle.

“And to get better jobs, people will then have to go to university, which will be a much improved experience now that it’s so expensive,” concluded Mr. Osborne.

“With this bold new ARSE, we will be able to catch up with Ireland in no time.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” bellowed Mr. Galway, collapsing over his desk as he shook uncontrollably with cynical laughter. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

According to a survey in the Irish Independent, most Irish people are happy to see England join them in the Dark Ages, with the only drawback being that we will now need somewhere else to emigrate.

Perhaps the last word should go to Mr. Osborne, however: “Ireland has much to teach us, if only we are willing to learn,” said the Chancellor of the Exchequer, looking approvingly to the West across the Irish Sea as if into the future for England and its people.

One Response to England Still Determined to Follow Irish ‘Economic Miracle’, to Irish Joy

  1. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    Briliant, as usual!

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