Morally Bankrupt Church Denies Rumours of Protestant Bailout

Dublin – Following new revelations of how scandalous behaviour was covered up by senior figures, the Catholic Church came out fighting today, denying rumours that it is morally bankrupt and will soon be forced to accept a bailout from the Protestants.

Cardinal Brady denied concealing a small boy under his ceremonial robes.

Cardinal Brady denied concealing a small boy under his ceremonial robes.

Said Cardinal Sean Brady, “The Catholic Church remains a fundamentally morally sound institution which is in no danger of collapse. We are just experiencing some slight readjustments in market valuation of our shares in morality and ethics.”

“Trust me,” he said, looking humbly at the cameras. “The Catholic Church is still the right place for you and your morals.”

Cardinal Brady’s words did little to reassure the faithful, however, who have become increasingly sceptical of public reassurances and instead have been looking closely at what authority figures actually do rather than what they say.

“Ah, well, now, that would be a very two-dimensional approach to such a complex issue,” said Cardinal Brady hastily, snatching some copies of the Murphy Report into child abuse within the Church out of the hands of some astonished citizens.

“The Catholic Church preaches orthodoxy, not orthopraxy. It’s just important that you believe the right things no matter what you do, not do the right things no matter what you say.”

The cardinal was speaking after yet more shocking revelations emerged from the Murphy Report, which asserted the Catholic Church had systematically covered up multiple child abuse cases involving Fr. Tony Walsh, including bizarrely making him an Elvis impersonator in an all-priest band so that his raunchy pelvic gyrations at small children would go unnoticed.

Fr. Walsh performs at a First Holy Communion, circa 1980.

Fr. Walsh performs at a First Holy Communion, circa 1980.

“Fr Tony Walsh is probably the most notorious child sexual abuser to have come to the attention of the Commission… His pattern of behaviour is such that it is likely that he has abused hundreds of children,” said the Murphy Report.

In the wake of yet another scandal, and the revelations that the Church had been desperately attempting to cover up its mistakes, the Church’s stock plummetted on national and international ethical markets, and a declaration of moral bankruptcy now seems inevitable.

“The Catholic Church has been recklessly gaming the system for too long now,” said analyst Siobhan Honohan. “They’ve been taking in sound moral deposits from ordinary people, then investing those morals in propping up child molesters. I mean, what kind of return did they think they would get?”

“Inevitably, the whole house of cards collapsed. It was all just a giant moral Ponzi scheme.”

Long-term moral account holders have begun withdrawing from the Church and casting around for alternative places for secure spiritual guidance.

"Actually, the Hindu thing may not really be for me," said Mrs. Highfield after seeing this rite.

"Actually, the Hindu thing may not really be for me," said Mrs. Highfield after seeing this rite.

“I’ve been looking into Hinduism recently,” said Mrs. Eleanor Highfield (61), a long-time patron of the Catholic Church who has recently closed all accounts with the failing institution. “Apparently they offer very reasonable moral savings programmes in which one’s karma accumulates over several life cycles, and they’re a good, reputable religion in no danger of immediate collapse.”

However, the majority of Irish citizens are opting not for exotic foreign products but the other major traditional religious organisation in the Republic – the Protestant Church.

“Yeah, well, it’s only just down the road, you know,” said Barry Tompkins (44). “And it’s mostly the same to be honest, except without all the shady back-door dealing, if you get my drift.

“Those Protestant lads are usually married, so it’s a lot more difficult to go around buggering small kids, what with the wife watchin’ ya all the time to see what yer up to.”

Desperate, the Catholic Church is reportedly considering a bailout from its arch-rival by adopting Protestant procedures and repealing celibacy requirements for priests. However, many people think this is too little, too late.

“Once bitten, twice shy,” declared Nell Kennedy (82), hobbling out of the church in disgust. “Looks like those Prods up in the North were right all along.”

“We should have thrown our lot in with the Orange Order. At least they’re an in-your-face bunch of small-minded arseholes, and not the kind to bugger small arseholes behind saintly faces.”

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