New Movie Lauds Michelle Smith for Fucking the System

Dublin – For years former golden girl of Irish athletics Michelle Smith has had to live with the ignominy of being a disgraced drug cheat, but now a new movie of her life has emerged which aims to change all that.

Michelle Smith: Fucking the System Back had its premiere last night in central Dublin with thousands of fans and celebrities braving the freezing cold to cheer the formerly disgraced swimmer down the red carpet.

Smith displays the power of all-natural biceps after winning her third gold in Atlanta.

Smith displays the power of all-natural biceps after winning her third gold in Atlanta.

Said Smith, “This is just such a wonderful evening. For years I thought I would always be the poster girl for Irish self-hatred, but now the country has found new objects of self-hate I’m back in the good books.”

“I thought I’d never be let back in from the cold, but now the whole country is out in the cold with me so we’re all together again.”

“The world’s taken a lot from us, but I at least took some of it back!” she shouted, waving her three ill-gotten gold medals at the cheering crowd.

Smith originally came to international attention at the Atlanta Olympic Games in 1996, when she sensationally won three gold medals in swimming despite having mediocre results in earlier Olympics. Smith was widely accused of having used performance-enhancing drugs; nothing was proven at the time, so Smith retained her medals, but was later caught tampering with urine samples, effectively ending her career.

Since then, she has widely been known in the media as “disgraced swimmer Michelle Smith,” but the movie aims to change all of that.

“What we saw in Michelle’s story was a heroic tale of one young Irish woman refusing to lose just because she’s Irish,” said producer Matt Bradley. “I mean, why should the rest of the world win gold medals just because they’re willing to take performance-enhancing drugs?”

“Michelle refused to lie down and take it. She was going to beat them at their own game, and she did. That’s the message we hope people will take from our movie – fuck ‘em first, because they’d fuck you.”

Excitement has been roused to a fever pitch by a series of advertisements contrasting Smith’s achievements with the current economic collapse.

The producers felt Jolie captured the intensity of being an Olympic swimmer.

The producers felt Jolie captured the intensity of being an Olympic swimmer.

Beginning with images of the Black and Tans burning villages, international bank bondholders cackling, and IMF shock troops turning pensioners out of houses they can no longer afford, the trailer continues with a stirring voiceover: “One land has suffered more than any other at the hands of international corruption and deceit.”

“But now one young woman is going to fight back on her own terms,” continues the voiceover, cutting to shots of a determined Angelina Jolie (who plays Smith in the movie) looking with fiery resentment at the flags of the world billowing next to a limp Irish tricolour at the Olympic Games.

There follows a thrilling fast-paced montage of Jolie exercising in virtually transparent flesh-coloured swimsuits, administering powerful steroids, and lining up at the Olympic final. “The world’s fucked Ireland long enough – now one woman’s fucking it back,” ran the tagline, as the screen was filled with shots of a naked Jolie remorselessly fucking international doping controllers in order to keep their mouths shut.

Audiences responded enthusiastically to the film, declaring that it had given them a new vision for Ireland in the 21st century.

“Why do we always have to be the world’s whipping boys?” said one particularly fired-up man after the premiere. “So what if she took drugs? They all take drugs – sure how else would anyone ever be able to run the 100 metres in under 10 seconds?”

“Good on ya, Michelle!” he roared. “Fuck’ em, and the fucking world with ‘em!”

Smith (Angelina Jolie) prepares to fight, fuck system.

Smith (Angelina Jolie) prepares to fight, fuck system.

Other fans particularly enjoyed the scenes in which Michelle Smith persuaded Irish and international regulators not to reveal her drug abuse by whipping them while dressed as a dominatrix during a sadomasochistic orgy.

“Fucking brilliant,” enthused Karen Murphy (23) an unemployed woman from Rathfarnham. “What I wouldn’t give to put those FF and IMF bastards in a room and whip the lot of ‘em. Sure they’d love it, but as they’re fucking me anyway why shouldn’t I get what I want out of it?”

The movie has already broken all box-office records for an opening weekend in Ireland and looks set to become the nation’s biggest film of all time. Producer Matt Bradley explained its appeal:

“She’s the hero we need, and she’s the one we deserve,” he said simply.

One Response to New Movie Lauds Michelle Smith for Fucking the System

  1. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    She could have just marketed her own unique brand of Whiskey.

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