Qatar Looking Forward to Hosting American Football World Cup

Doha – For many it was a strange result, but FIFA’s announcement that Qatar will host the 2022 World Cup has delighted fans in the small Persian Gulf emirate, who have already begun preparing for the great event and eagerly anticipate the chance to see in their own country the big name stars and razzle-dazzle excitement of American football.

Football fans in Qatar eagerly anticipate the excitement of the World Cup.

Football fans in Qatar eagerly anticipate the excitement of the World Cup.

“This is a great honour for Qatar and the people of Qatar,” said local man Ali Jassim Al-Hirani, dancing in the streets with thousands of others after hearing the news. “The whole country is motivated to make this the greatest American football World Cup ever. I just can’t tell you how excited we all are.”

“It’s always been a dream of mine to see the Dallas Cowboys,” confessed Mr. Al-Hirani with a broad smile.

The decision to award the FIFA 2022 World Cup to Qatar was announced on Dec. 2 amid allegations of corruption within the FIFA organising committee, particularly from the irate English media, which saw its own excellent bid receive a mere two votes.

“These allegations of corruption are absolutely ridiculous,” said FIFA President Sepp Blatter, mopping his brow with a priceless silk handkerchief embroidered with fine-spun gold and exquisite pearls in each corner.

“Qatar’s bid was simply superior to those of Australia, Korea, Japan, and the USA, which are small countries with little interest in football. Qatar, on the other hand, now has a population of just over 1 million, most of whom are migrants from South Asia working as indentured servants for local petroleum magnates. That practically guarantees packed stadiums for every single game.”

Sheikh Al-Thani wonders why the trophy ball is so round.

Sheikh Al-Thani wonders why the trophy ball is so round.

Mr. Blatter then checked his solid gold Rolex watch and saw it was time to leave as his private jet was flying him to Italy for dinner before returning to his new palatial home next to the Royal Palace at Monaco. Before going, however, he handed the World Cup trophy to the leader of the Qatar bid, Sheikh Mohammed bin Hamad Al-Thani, who almost wept for joy.

“Thank you for believing in change and believing in expanding the game and thank you for giving Qatar a chance,” he said, beaming down at the world’s assembled football delegates, all wearing new designer Armani suits. “We will not let you down. We will make you proud.”

Looking at the trophy, he added: “The ball she’s holding seems a bit round, doesn’t it? For a football World Cup, you’d expect it to be more oval. I’ll have our goldsmiths hammer it into the proper shape.”

The reaction in Qatar, which has never played in a World Cup before, was overwhelmingly joyous.

“O! By the blue waters of the Gulf which is mother to us all!” cried Sheikh Mustafi bin Jarmala Al-Kirali. “This is a day we have dreamed of! I ordered all of my foreign servants to run down onto the street and celebrate this great day for Qatar and for the Arab world.”

Qataris are relieved they didn't get the boring soccer World Cup and its loutish fans.

Qataris are relieved they didn't get the boring soccer World Cup and its loutish fans.

“I even whipped some of the dogs when they started playing cricket,” said the Sheikh with a scowl. “From now until 2022, we are an American football nation – we don’t have time for any of these stupid English sports, like cricket or soccer.”

“By Allah! Those English games would bore the humps off a Bactrian camel,” added the Sheikh with a dramatic eye roll. “I don’t know what we’d do if we got stuck with the soccer World Cup. Even the infinite patience of Allah would wear pretty thin watching that abomination.”

Local men were particularly keen to see American football’s famous cheerleaders.

“You have no idea how much that would mean to us, “said Aadil Bhutto (34), a grim-faced toilet cleaner for a major petroleum company. “There are 3.5 men for every woman in this country, and most of those women are in purdah all the time.”

"Thank God we're getting these, and not the soccer WAGs," said Mr. Bhutto.

"Thank God we're getting these, and not the soccer WAGs," said Mr. Bhutto.

“Sometimes I think I could just go mad and kill everyone,” he said gloomily, staring into space. “But even one glimpse of those angel-sculpted cheerleader legs! And breasts rising like the sand dunes of Rumhat-al-Qattub! Being in their glorious blonde presences must be like living with the harem of 72 virgins after one has been martyred in the glorious service of Allah!”

Mr. Bhutto shook off his dream with a hard laugh. “Can you imagine what it would be like if we got the soccer World Cup instead?” he asked sardonically. “We’d end up with all those English WAGs instead, slumming around with their fat cellulite thighs and pendulous boobs, desperate for a pint of lager and a fag, with laughs like rusty chainsaws hitting concrete.”

“That would push any man over the edge,” he added, before picking up his toilet brush and getting back to the scrubbing after his five-minute lunch break.

One Response to Qatar Looking Forward to Hosting American Football World Cup

  1. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    No one gave gay Jewish alcoholics like myself a single thought before they started jumping up and down celebrating this news

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