Tired of Excuses About Lost Money, Nation Turns to the Viper

Dublin – As every small business owner in the country can testify, the hardest thing in today’s grim economic climate is getting those who owe you money to pay their debts.

And it seems we are all in the shoes of struggling small business owners now as we watch bankers attempt to weasel their way out of colossal gambling debts and stick us with the bill for money they said they had but are now mysteriously unable to find.

David Drumm and Sean Fitzpatrick congratulate themselves on their daring theft.

David Drumm and Sean Fitzpatrick congratulate themselves on their daring theft.

A spokesperson for Citizens United, Miss Fiona Kelly (30), said today that the Irish people had heard enough excuses. “For at least two years now we’ve been hearing the rich and shameless of Ireland whine on about bad luck at the stock market and how all they need is one more big winner to get them out of the hole they’re in,” she said, pursing her lips in distaste for the lies of weak men unable to control their addictions.

“We’ve seen people like Sean Fitzpatrick borrow €155 million in loans from Anglo Irish Bank, on top of a pension of over €4 million a year,” said Miss Kelly icily, listing his failings with the chilling clinical detachment of a criminal pathologist working in Limerick.

“We’ve got people like David Drumm trying to declare bankruptcy, even while he lives in a $4.6 million waterfront home in Chatham, Massachusetts,” she continued.

“We’ve heard the excuses from Eugene Sheehy, former head of AIB, that he’d rather die than take any more money from the taxpayer, then borrow that money anyway and ride off into the sunset with a €526,000-a-year pension.”

A view of Cape Cod from the window of "bankrupt" David Drumm's home in Chatham.

A view of Cape Cod from the window of "bankrupt" David Drumm's home in Chatham.

“And after seeing the Budget, they now expect us to cough up €4,600 each a year to pay their debts off?” she asked, arching her perfectly drawn eyebrows sceptically. “I don’t think so. Playtime’s over, boys – we want our money back. Now. That’s why we’re sending someone round to get it.”

She smiled menacingly and her cold blue eyes sparkled with the humour born of seeing vengeance properly served. “This morning, we the citizens of Ireland have engaged the debt collection services of the Viper.”

Martin “The Viper” Foley is one of Ireland’s best-known criminals and a major figure in the Dublin gangland scene. The Viper has been convicted of a variety of offences on 33 separate occasions and has survived numerous assassination attempts, including being shot on at least five occasions. Since the beginning of the financial crisis, he has also been offering his services as a debt collector to struggling small businesses.

The Viper offers professional and efficient debt collection services from cunts who won't pay up.

The Viper offers professional and efficient debt collection services from cunts who won't pay up.

“As part of the conditions of our contract, the Viper has kindly agreed to film his work as part of our ongoing programme of promoting transparency in Irish public life,” said Miss Kelly as she ran some footage on the monitor.

There then followed twenty minutes of complete silence as the assembled press and members of the public watched a van containing the Viper and some of his business associates driving up to Sean Fitzpatrick’s home, obviously intent on inviting him for a game of rounders, judging by the number of baseball bats they carried. The men then entered Fitzpatrick’s house and commenced business negotiations with Mr. Fitzpatrick about the return of certain moneys owed to the Irish people.

Out of respect for broadcasting laws, the video did not show the negotiation itself, but merely showed the faces of Fitzpatrick’s terrified wife and children as negotiations were heard off-screen.

“Oh God oh Jesus NO!” Mr. Fitzpatrick screamed, following the classic negotiating tactic of rejecting the first offer. “I swear I don’t have it! I can get it for you by next Tuesday! Oh Christ aaarrrggghhhh!” he said, as negotiations became more hard-hitting and really got down to brass tacks. After intense but somewhat incoherent discussion, and some brilliant tactical manoeuvres by the Viper’s negotiating team, Mr. Fitzpatrick gave in to their demands and revealed the location of every penny he had, which would be made immediately available to the Irish people, minus 20% for the Viper’s finder’s fee.

Sean Fitzpatrick attempts to escape the Viper's negotation team.

Sean Fitzpatrick attempts to escape the Viper's negotation team.

“The Viper has laid out a programme for negotiations with senior figures known to have money that they personally owe us,” said Miss Kelly in a business-like fashion, “and we confidently expect to have all of the money collected by the end of February.”

Public support for the Viper was instantaneously forthcoming. “God, he’s like an Irish Robin Hood!” declared Mrs. Mags Delahunty (72) of Crumlin, clasping her hands and looking up at an image of the Viper like a starstruck teenager. “I’m so glad the Viper’s here to deal with all the horrible thieves in this country.”

“If we had more men like him, Ireland would be a more honest place.”

2 Responses to Tired of Excuses About Lost Money, Nation Turns to the Viper

  1. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    I like this blog a lot, prolific and yet always high quality, a rare combination.

  2. craghopper says:

    Martin Foley has paid for his crimes but will the bankers and politicians do time for their crimes against Ireland as a whole? Methinks not! I’d rather deal with Foley than the double forked tongues of the Irish Govt.

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