Tea Party Calls on America to Unite, Destroy Soviet Union

Savannah, Georgia – Critics say the Tea Party is stuck in the past, but today the powerful grassroots political movement announced a bold new strategy to secure America’s future: complete victory over the Soviet Union.

Speaking at a Tea Party rally in Savannah, right-wing heroine Sarah Palin declared, “For too long those elites in Washington have let this great nation drift on a destructive course of comfortable living and peace of mind. This prosperity and security has led everyone to take their eye off the football and while we slumber on our oversized sofas with built-in heat massage function, the Soviets are out their plotting our doom!”

Nothing arouses the God-fearing evangelical faithful like Palin's sizzling blend of sultry folksiness.

Nothing arouses the God-fearing evangelical faithful like Palin's sizzling blend of sultry folksiness.

“They haven’t gone away, folks,” she added, delighting the audience with her trademark wink combining folk wisdom and sultry sexuality.

According to an official statement by the Tea Party, read out by Mrs. Palin to cheering partisans, both Democrats and Republicans have become too obsessed with politicking in Washington to deal with the real and present dangers facing the nation.

“That lust-enflamed son of Satan, Bill Clinton, spun heads and a few loose ladies’ tails with his tall claims that it was all about the economy, totally ignorating those USSR varmints lurking outside the pondarosa,” declared Palin, delivering the Tea Party’s official position on the Clinton years of unparalleled economic growth. “And he called us stupid! Well, it ain’t the government’s business to get involved in the economy no-how – now who’s stupid, Mr. I-Love-You-But-I’m-Too-Busy-To-Call-Back-Right-Now?”

Palin was equally scathing of the George W. Bush presidency, however, insisting that Bush had done nothing to prevent Washington being taken over by elites with their personal agendas.

“Once you cross the Beltway, even a good God-fearing man like George W. Bush can be infected by the stinking swamp-like cesspool of vice and greed encircling Washington”, she continued in a statement that was being simultaneously published as the Tea Party’s official 2012 election position. “When the Soviets bombed the Twin Towers on 9/11, he was suckered in by the oil lobbyists into blaming those heathen Muslims just so they could go and invade Hezbollah.”

The Tea Party draws support from diverse groups of non-black, non-Latino, non-Asian Americans.

“We yield to no one in our hatred of all those who refuse to accept the love and tender mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ,” continued Palin. “But those Godless Commies have got to be taken care of first!”

Palin was succeeded on stage by the Atlanta Baptist Gospel Choir, which led the crowd in a heartfelt rendition of “Jesus and the 1st Armoured Division are Coming to Save your Heathen Souls,” a popular hymn among the Tea Party faithful.

Senator Rand Paul, a noted libertarian and one of the political leaders of the Tea Party movement, ratcheted anti-Soviet rhetoric up another notch with a barnstorming speech that had crowds seeing Jesus with flaming sword of righteousness towering above them.

“My fellow patriotic Americans!” shouted Paul to throaty approval from the inexplicably sober masses. “How much longer can we be expected to live under the shadow of the valley of Soviet death panels? How much longer will our leaders ignore the will of the people and refuse to launch an all-out strike on the USSR and its Eastern European satellites?”

“I say, we can wait no longer!” roared Paul. “Our ambitious new programme aims to eliminate taxes and increase defence spending by dismantling Obamacare and wiping out Social Security.”

“With no social services, healthcare, or welfare, and a righteous nuclear war with the Russians, the United States of America will be a better place for all of its citizens!”

Christine O'Donnell explains the size of Sarah Palin's brass balls to the Tea Party faithful.

Christine O'Donnell explains the size of Sarah Palin's brass balls to the Tea Party faithful.

The final word went to Tea Party darling Christine O’Donnell. “Those Washington politicians just sit there masturbating sinfully in their own Satanic love-juices,” she said disapprovingly, “When what need is someone man enough to take aim and spunk our nukes onto those Russians once and for all.”

“And we all know that Obama ain’t got the brass balls necessary to fire our own potency right into the eye of those Russian pagans, with their sinful beliefs in State intervention. We all know Sarah Palin is the only man with balls big enough to do the job. Vote Palin in 2012, and free America from the Soviet nightmare!”

The crowd roared as one and blazed six-guns into the air like Custer’s troops firing themselves up before making another victorious charge at those pesky heathen Indian savages.

One Response to Tea Party Calls on America to Unite, Destroy Soviet Union

  1. Pingback: Pakistan Worried About Political Violence, Instability in the USA « Views from the Lifeboat

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