Country’s Retreat into Dark Ages Confirmed as Vikings Raid West Coast

Ruins of Galway – They said this would be the winter of our discontent, but if there’s one thing history has taught the Irish people it’s that things can always get worse.

Vikings reappeared off the West Coast for the first time in 1,000 years, confirming that the Dark Ages are back.

Vikings reappeared off the West Coast for the first time in 1,000 years, confirming that the Dark Ages are back.

Yesterday, they got a whole lot worse as, on top of the loss of national sovereignty and an austerity Budget that will punish every ordinary person in Ireland for years to come, the country had to tolerate new Viking raids on the West coast.

Local man Willie O’Dwyer said he had at first been shocked by the sight, but has now resigned himself to it as just a part of what it means to be Irish.

“Sure, weren’t we all at a rally out by the bay to protest against the gov’ment,” said Mr O’Dwyer (64). “I was standin’ up there facin’ everyone, givin’ a great ould speech about how now was the time to stand up for ourselves. Fianna Fáil had run the country like its own personal fiefdom since independence; the Galway Races Satanic Trinity of FF, the bankers, and the property developers had looted us all and now we were back to being a province of the EU instead of a nation. ‘We’ve reached rock bottom,’ I cried. ‘Now the only way forward is up!’”

“Then I heard the gasp from the crowd and turned around and thought: ‘You’ve got be fuckin’ shittin’ me.’”

Galway's citizens gather hopefully for the arrival of the Vikings.

Galway's citizens gather hopefully for the arrival of the Vikings.

A fleet of Viking longships was bearing down on the city of Galway with the malevolent intent of a Fianna Fáil canvassing team entering a traditionally Labour constituency.

“God, there was nothin’ but pure chaos!” fluttered Lizzie Behan (59), with that peculiar joy in one’s own misery so beloved of the Irish. “The ships hit the beach and all these big hairy Viking men came jumping out, intent on raping and pillaging everything in sight.”

“You should have seen how the crowds rushed to greet them,” she said, her voice ratcheting up to unheard of pitches of excitement.

According to Olaf the Bear-Slayer, the bemused Vikings had apparently been expecting the Irish to retreat to stone towers while the Vikings pillaged the town. However, their charge onto the beach was met by an onrushing surge of homeowners, all begging the invading hordes to come and burn their houses down so they could claim insurance.

Vikings pillaged mercilessly, much to the relief of Ireland's homeowners.

Vikings pillaged mercilessly, much to the relief of Ireland's homeowners.

Said Olaf, “Yes, it was not quite what we had expected. I was ready to do battle, but instead this funny little clerk or scribe of some kind got down on his knees and pleaded with me to burn his home down. ‘Jesus, I’m fuckin’ beggin’ you!” he shouted, crying. ‘I can’t make another fuckin’ mortgage payment. You’re my last hope – just pillage the shit out of it!’ So I went and razed it, after taking all his valuables.”

Olaf lifted his horned helmet to scratch his head. “I can’t believe he paid €350,000 for a two-bedroom shithole without a sea view,” he added. “I would have expected a castle with pleasant balconies for that kind of money.”

The Vikings discovered that the other element of their two-point agenda of raping and pillaging was also a lot easier than expected. “Yes, that’s true,” said Olaf with a shrug. “I was expecting to have to hunt under floorboards and hidden trapdoors for terrified young women desperate to avoid being ravaged by our Viking manliness.”

“Instead, we had a hard time keeping them out of our faces while we tried to get on with the pillaging.”

According to Olaf, thousands of young women threw themselves at the Vikings, begging to be taken away from this God-forsaken island of hellishly low employment prospects and greatly reduced wages.

A cruel and pitiless local woman gets a Viking helplessly drunk and makes off with him.

A cruel and pitiless local woman gets a Viking helplessly drunk and makes off with him.

“Yeah, well, I’d been trying to save up money to emigrate anyway,” said Tracy Morrigan (22). “It just seemed like too good a chance to turn down, you know?”

“Plus I get to ship off with a load of six-foot tall warriors with streaming blonde hair waving claymores like symbols of their mighty phallic prowess,” she added with a raucous laugh. “The lads down in Eyre Square can go fuck themselves from now on.”

Willie O’Dwyer was philosophical about the return of the Vikings as he sat amid the smouldering ruins of Galway. “Sure, I suppose we’ll just have to live with it,” he said simply, refilling his pipe. “They’re no worse than Fianna Fáil and the IMF, except they don’t try to bullshit you about what they’re up to.”

“You know where you stand with the Vikings,” he said, tipping his cap to them in respect.

2 Responses to Country’s Retreat into Dark Ages Confirmed as Vikings Raid West Coast

  1. Ow, gawd, where’s the satire? where’s the blarney? where’s the point? where’s the Irish paddy waggon got to? Oh, gawd!

  2. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    Could someone not just have told them Assange was in Britain?

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