World Poker Championship Chews Up, Spits Out ‘Hotshot’ Obama

Las Vegas – He came like a blazing comet, expected to blaze the same burning trail across the poker heavens as Tiger Woods did in golf.

However, this week superstar poker player Barack Obama failed to live up to the hype as his campaign to be the greatest sputtered and then fell limply into the drink, like a child’s rubber duckie flying from the bathtub and briefly seeming like it could fly forever before plunging into the toilet.

Fans thought Obama was poker's Chosen One, but he failed to live up to the hype.

Fans thought Obama was poker's Chosen One, but he failed to live up to the hype.

“He sure had some hype around him back in 2008,” said Al ‘Big Al’ Devine, with a look of hard-won experience that said it hadn’t impressed him then and sure wasn’t going to impress him now. “I mean, people were saying he wasn’t just going to win every single hand, but that he would revolutionise the game itself.”

“All the losers down to their last chips wish they could change the rules of the game, too,” said Devine, hitching up his solid-gold belt buckle and looking cockily over at a crestfallen Obama drowning his sorrows at the bar.

In 2008, Obama surged to the forefront of the national game by sensationally coming from nowhere to win the American presidency, prompting speculation that with his sharp intellect and coolness under pressure he could go on to be one of the greatest poker players ever.

“Those are all fine qualities for a poker player to have,” said Big Al, a multimillionaire gambler and three-time world poker champion. “But they ain’t worth spit without a pair of these – brass balls – and he ain’t got any.”

Al 'Big Al' Devine remains unimpressed by Obama's poker, presidency.

Al 'Big Al' Devine remains unimpressed by Obama's poker, presidency.

“Hell, his balls ain’t even made out o’ tin,” said Big Al loudly in Obama’s direction, causing the President of the United States to slink out of the room in shame.

Obama started the tournament with a set of extremely strong hands that gave him a powerful, dominant position at the table, much to the delight of poker fans everywhere. However, he then made the classic mistake of playing conservatively from a position of strength.

“Jesus, he had a house of aces in one hand and only raised by $4,000,” said Big Al in disgust. “That was almost as limp-dicked as his economic stimulus package. I mean, if the country’s economy has a $3 trillion hole in it, you got to go in by at least 50%. A measly $800 billion ain’t gonna cut it, certainly not in Vegas.”

“It didn’t even cut it with those pencil-necks in Washington.”

Obama drew further jeers of derision for his weak handling of an ace-king suited opening pair in a major hand he lost weakly due to timidity and fear. “I mean, when you have ace-king suited, then you have the bully pulpit,” said Big Al. “Before the flop, you gotta go in big and lay down a marker for your rivals and let ‘em know who the big daddy is.”

“Instead, he let those good ol’ boys just push him around with their bluffs, like when the Republicans held the middle-classes hostage over tax cuts for the super rich. I mean, anybody with a real pair of balls would have stood up to them and positioned himself as the defender of the working classes and middle classes, 99% of the goddamned population, against the other 1%. Instead, he just folded like a malnourished Mexican hit in the gut by Big Al.”

A beaten, dejected Obama hopes Republicans might be nicer than those Vegas card sharps.

A beaten, dejected Obama hopes Republicans might be nicer than those Vegas card sharps.

But the hand that made Obama a laughing stock among the international poker playing community was his humiliating fold against Israel’s Benny Yahunitin. “That just beat all,” said Big Al, shaking his head with a laugh of disbelief. “I mean, Benny’s hopelessly dependent on Obama giving him money and support to stay in the game, but Obama’s just too weak to push him when they go head-to-head. Then Benny just hangs in there with his pair of eights and Obama folds a straight flush.”

“That was almost as gay as the time he insisted Israel freeze settlement building as a pre-condition to peace talks, then climbed down in the same week he let the Republicans steam roll him on the tax cuts.”

Big Al didn’t think Obama was totally washed up, but was sceptical about his ability to turn it around.

“He’s got to look at someone like Tiger Woods as a role model,” said Big Al. “Woods has focus, you know? In every aspect of his life, he’s about one thing – getting it in the hole. You got to have that single-minded devotion if you’re going to be the best.”

“But there ain’t no question about whether Tiger’s got balls,” added Big Al. “He’s got plenty of ‘em. I doubt Obama will even be able to grow a pair of tin ones by the next election.”

2 Responses to World Poker Championship Chews Up, Spits Out ‘Hotshot’ Obama

  1. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    Brilliant again SJ.

  2. Pingback: Tea Party Calls on America to Unite, Destroy Soviet Union « Views from the Lifeboat

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