Kim Jong-il Cites FF’s Desperate Cling to Power as ‘Inspirational.’

Pyongyang – Embattled North Korean Kim Jong-il, whose despotic rule over a starving and increasingly isolated nation seems increasingly untenable, said today that he almost considered giving up but has been given a new lease of tyrannical life by the stubborn refusal to give way in the face of even greater pressure of Fianna Fáil.

An inspired Kim salutes FF's efforts to keep the Irish peasantry under foot.

An inspired Kim salutes FF's efforts to keep the Irish peasantry under foot.

Kim (69), the leader of North Korea since his father Kim Il-sung died in 1994, said that he had recently been increasingly despondent about malignant dictatorship as a viable political system for the 21st century.

“I’m sure malignant dictatorship looked like a great way to go back in my father’s day,” said Kim in a 2007 interview. “I mean, that was the great age of the Big Swinging Mickey brigade – Stalin, Hitler, Mao – and even a few Little Swinging Mickies, like Mussolini and Franco.”

“But that’s all gone out of fashion now. I mean, who the hell is Hu Jintao? Some bureaucrat who didn’t even kill anyone to gain power. And Putin voluntarily handed over the Russian Presidency, instead of having it wrenched from his cold dead hands, like Stalin.”

“And Germany’s now led by a woman!” added Kim in despair. “I tell you, it’s starting to look like I’m the last Big Swinging Mickie alive.”

Kim revealed recently that he had, in fact, been on the verge of renouncing the throne and setting up representative democratic institutions, while concluding a peace treaty with South Korea with the long-term goal of peaceful reunification. However, as news came to him of unfolding events in Ireland, Kim’s enthusiasm for oppressing the masses gradually returned.

“I like this man, what you call him, Biffo!” said Kim, chuckling. “He took power the same way I did – the party gave it to him as the next in line. None of this ‘presenting yourself to the people for their considered opinion of your leadership qualities’ democratic election nonsense for him!”

"Biffo fully deserves his place among the Big Swinging Mickie brigade," said Kim fervently.

"Biffo fully deserves his place among the Big Swinging Mickie brigade," said Kim fervently.

“And then there was the riches he paid himself and his cronies!” said Kim, jumping out of his chair in excitement. “Did you know he openly paid himself more money than the US President and the German Chancellor? And he still did a shit job!”

“And the orgies of corruption!” enthused Kim, practically dancing at the thought. “By the Sacred Light of the Great Leader, those must have been good days in that Galway Races tent with the property developers and bankers, blowing the peasants’ harvest on 40/1 longshots and drinking overpriced European champagne from crystal glasses held between the bosoms of Russian escort girls.”

But what particularly impressed Kim was Fianna Fáil’s steady handling of the financial crisis.

Listless North Koreans gather to find out how much worse it could be, if they were Irish.

Listless North Koreans gather to find out how much worse it could be, if they were Irish.

“No, I don’t mean that they made the crisis go away or any of that stupid democratic nonsense,” growled Kim irritably, banging his club on the interviewer’s toe as a little wake-up call. “We malignant dictators have no business making the people’s lives better; if we did, they’d only want them to be even better. Our job is to make the people’s lives worse, and then make them fear how bad they could get.”

“These Fianna Fáil boys know what I’m talking about.”

Kim’s insight into the workings of tyranny proved prophetic, as Fianna Fáil set about persuading the nation to accept NAMA and the bank guarantee that would rapidly bankrupt the nation on the grounds that not doing so would bankrupt the nation.

“You tell them what might happen if they don’t do it, and then you make that thing happen anyway,” said Kim. “The funny thing is, all people remember is the fear and not the facts.”

“Peasants,” he added with a shrug.

The Ruling Committee of the People's Republic of Ireland said it welcomed Kim's support.

The Ruling Committee of the People's Republic of Ireland said it welcomed Kim's support.

What has particularly impressed Kim is the manner in which Fianna Fáil have led the nation step-by-step into ruin while persistently refusing to call an election.

“I haven’t seen brass balls like that since the 1994 famine,” enthused Kim. “I felt for sure that we would be ousted then, but our iron control of the military and brutal systems of punishment and torture for dissidents meant that the peasants simply died, rather than fighting and dying.”

“I don’t know how Fianna Fáil keep their people in line, but they must have pretty good systems of punishment and torture as well, because we haven’t heard a peep out of the masses.”

Kim had a final message for Brian Cowen and the rest of Fianna Fáil. “Let your Big Mickies Swing!” he cried. “I am with you, North Korea and Ireland, the last outposts of malignant dictatorship in the world!”

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