Cowen Declares Martial Law Against ‘Second Republic’

Dublin – Citing their activities as ‘unconstitutional,’ ‘unpatriotic,’ and ‘anti-Fianna Fáil,’ Taoiseach Brian Cowen declared martial law yesterday to protect Ireland from the concerned citizens of Ireland.

The Taoiseach reacts to news that citizen activists are campaigning for political reform.

The Taoiseach reacts to news that citizen activists are campaigning for political reform.

Taoiseach Biffo has been increasingly agitated of late by the growing number of grassroots movements seeking change. Said Biffo, fuming indignantly, “These insurgent groups are threatening to destabilise Ireland and the very foundation of Ireland – Fianna Fáil. We can no longer tolerate these threats to everything that we hold sacred. That is why we, the Fianna Fáil-government of Ireland, have declared martial law on the Irish people until they once more accept their independent right to government of the people, by Fianna Fáil, for Fianna Fáil.”

Biffo’s ire was provoked by the recent meeting on Saturday of concerned citizens to form a group called “Second Republic,” a grassroots organisation working to promote fundamental political reform in the belief that Ireland’s economic collapse due to corruption, incompetence, and poor governance indicates we could do with a bit of a change.

In the Gresham Hotel, directly opposite the GPO where the leaders of the 1916 Easter Rising famously declared the Proclamation of the Republic, up to 80 citizens braved the freezing conditions to discuss a potential programme for change. Organiser Oliver Moran (32), said, “We can look at the mistakes that were made, but unless we correct the underlying issues, unless we address the failings in governance, these mistakes will happen again. Reform needs to be directed and owned by the people. That’s why we’re calling for a National Convention, directed by the people, to reform our political institutions.”

2nd Republic propose a new beginning for Ireland, much to Biffo's fury.

2nd Republic propose a new beginning for Ireland, much to Biffo's fury.

“Why that treasonous little shit!” roared Biffo in fury when he read the announcement. “Those ignorant traitorous muck savages! What gives them the right to say how this country should be run? I’m the one who says how this country should be run. I’m the fuckin’ Taoiseach!”

After its promising start, Second Republic is looking to hold meetings around the country, attract new members, and begin a campaign asking candidates for election to pledge that, if elected, they will call for a National Convention to discuss political reform and propose a new constitution to the people for a referendum. “This will offer a common project we can all work on together,” said another of the organisers. “It offers hope in a time of despair, the hope that we can begin anew the work our grandparents and great-grandparents began when they created the Republic of Ireland.”

“Together, we can make this country a better place.”

Biffo’s jaw sagged like he’d just taken a blow to his ample stomach, before he erupted in apoplectic rage. “I want them all fuckin’ shot, d’ya hear me?” he thundered, tearing down in foaming rabidity a photograph of the first Dáil. “Who the fuck do these shiteaters think they are?!” he yelled at the terror-struck Cabinet.

“I’m not entirely sure we can do that, Taoiseach,” said Tánaiste Mary Coughlan hesitantly.

“Then what fuckin’ good are ya?!” yelled Biffo, before jiggling her breasts with the slavering leer of a boar in heat cracking his enormous jowls. “If you didn’t have such a nice pair of tits, I’d string you up with the other traitors, Mary.”

Coughlan attempts to maintain her last threads of composure while Biffo masturbates furiously.

Coughlan attempts to maintain her last threads of composure while Biffo masturbates furiously.

“I want the rest of ye to get down there and drag these fuckers off to Kilmainham and shoot ‘em!” he yelled, while Mary Coughlan desperately attempted to maintain a last semblance of composure and dignity. “Shoot ‘em as a warnin’ to the rest of the country. That’ll put a stop to this Second Republic.”

He sat down heavily on his taxpayer-funded gold-trimmed throne and made a grand gesture, like a malign patriarch explaining why he has to be cruel to be kind. “You see, the Irish people simply aren’t ready for such freedom,” he said reflectively. “They’re like children who’ve been relying on us, Fianna Fáil, ever since independence. If they were really ready to be free, why would their main political party be one whose primary reason for existence is its opposition to a treaty everyone now accepts?”

He poured himself a large glass of whisky and gulped it down, letting dribbles of amber liquid roll down his chin while his tongue chased them down like the army pursuing fleeing rebels. “No,” he said firmly, “this uprising has to be put down. The people need Fianna Fáil, and what’s good for Fianna Fáil is what’s good for the people.”

“This country’s fine just the way it is,” he said, before pointing a stern finger at Mary Hanafin. “Now get your fuckin’ tits out for the lads.”

One Response to Cowen Declares Martial Law Against ‘Second Republic’

  1. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    Thanks for that image of biffwhacking and The Frosses poison. I may never eat food again!

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