British Media to FIFA: “We’re Coming to Get Ya!”

London – Stung by FIFA criticism that said the British media cost England the chance to host the 2018 World Cup, the British media have menacingly announced that FIFA is going to wish it had never said that.

On Thursday, after seeing their team present the best technical bid and the best presentation with the aid of such heavy-hitters as Prime Minister David Cameron, Prince William, and David Beckham, England was shocked to receive only two votes, one of which was from the English delegate and the other from an official the BBC had just accused of being “corrupt.”

"You have no idea who you're fucking with," snarled the British media threateningly.

"You have no idea who you're fucking with," snarled the British media threateningly.

FIFA officials then had the audacity to say that the hostility of the English media was a factor in the decision.

“Oh no you didn’t,” said Biff Hughes of The Sun, putting his boot straight through the television set and Sepp Blatter’s smiling face. “Oh, you didn’t just not give us the fuckin’ World Cup, and then say, ‘it was The Sun wot lost it?’

Hughes smacked his fist into the palm of his hand and turned his oversized shaven head to the other assembled British journalists. “It’s time to really get to work on this FIFA lot, boys.”

The British press have already had crack teams of investigative journalists scouring FIFA’s garbage cans and hacking its website to find evidence of corruption and fraud, the results of which were already broadcast and published shortly before the vote, in the best patriotic traditions of the British media.

Now, after the humiliation of being blamed for England getting only 2 votes, the British media are just going to start making it up.

"They were great sports, really, willing to do anything," said Jones enthusiastically.

"They were great sports, really, willing to do anything," said Jones enthusiastically.

“Sepp Blatter forces two underage Cambodian male prostitutes to lick his sagging Swedish arsehole!” screamed the Daily Mail, with clearly doctored photos of Sepp Blatter abusing two small malnourished boys on the front page. Complete with photoshopped images, the article ran for 4 pages, recounting in fine detail the damage wrought by Sepp Blatter’s sexual perversions.

“We did actually pay the two Cambodian kids to try and seduce Blatter,” admitted muckraker Roy Davies. “But he wasn’t having any of it, so we just got them to pose for some photos and give false confessions instead.”

“Blatter must have known it was a sting operation, otherwise he would totally have gone for it,” added Davies.

“Was FIFA behind the 7/7 bombings?” screamed the Daily Mirror. “New evidence has shown that FIFA tried to discredit England’s World Cup bid by carrying out suicide bombings on the transport system in 2005,” with its website broadcasting astonishing video footage of Sepp Blatter planting bombs on all three Tube trains and a bus simultaneously.

The Daily Star took this one step further by suggesting that Blatter was, in fact, Bin Laden himself, and has published some photos as evidence. “I mean, why else would Bin Laden have such a huge beard?” asked the Star’s security expert Anthony Ellis. “It’s obviously a disguise to hide the fact that he’s Sepp Blatter, and we’ve proven that by removing his beard from the photograph, and that stupid towel on his head, and imagining what he looks like underneath – he’s obviously Sepp Blatter! It’s a perfect disguise that allows him to travel the world unsuspected, spreading evil and chaos wherever he goes.”

"Obviously Sepp Blatter in disguise, when you take the beard and towel off," claimed The Daily Star.

"Obviously Sepp Blatter in disguise, when you take the beard and towel off," claimed The Daily Star.

“And that totally explains why the 2022 World Cup went to Qatar!”

For sheer populism and crass tapping of the emotions of the common Cockney, however, even experienced Fleet Street muckrakers took their hats off to the Daily Sport.

“FIFA killed Princess Di!” shrieked the headline, with pictures of Princess Diana’s automobile being pursued through Paris by three black FIFA Mercedes, while FIFA members holding Kalashnikovs blazed away at the fleeing automobile with looks of pure Satanic death-lust on their corrupt, hellbound faces. The Daily Sport offered no rationale or explanation, other than the obvious sadism and pure rotting evil of FIFA.

When FIFA lodged an official complaint, the BBC put out an official statement on behalf of the British media: “We’re gonna bring it, and keep fuckin’ bringing it,” said Sir Royston Jenkins-Hodgkinson, Director-General of the BBC. “You cunts have fucked with the wrong shitkickers this time. We’re going to have photos of your daughters getting gangbanged in the alley behind a queer nightclub, of your sons shootin’ heroin up their pockmarked arseholes, we’re going to hire Lotharios to fuck your wives and then we’re going to put the video of how much she loved it on Panorama.”

“And that’s just next week’s programme,” he finished, insolently giving FIFA the finger and walking off the stage to cheers.

One Response to British Media to FIFA: “We’re Coming to Get Ya!”

  1. Pingback: Qatar Looking Forward to Hosting American Football World Cup « Views from the Lifeboat

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