Italy In Shock As Wikileaks Outs Berlusconi

Rome – It seems there is no end to the shocking revelations emerging from Wikileaks. After revealing that several Arab leaders had urged the US to attack Iran, China was willing to give up on North Korea, and that several key American officials had made personally insulting comments about major world leaders, Wikileaks has today revealed a truth that left the world stunned – Silvio Berlusconi is gay.

Surprisingly, Italians were shocked to discover Silvio Berlusconi is gay.

Surprisingly, Italians were shocked to discover Silvio Berlusconi is gay.

Berlusconi (74), the current Prime Minister of Italy, has long been known as one of the world’s most flamboyant statesmen. A debonair self-made billionaire, Berlusconi has long been criticised for his outre behaviour, inappropriate playfulness, expensive taste in chic luxury clothes and furnishings, and aggressive sexuality.

Wikileaks’ revelation that he is a flaming homosexual has astounded the globe.

Senior figures in the US State Department wrote numerous e-mails claiming sexual harassment at the hands of Berlusconi. “Liberaci [an internal State Department nickname for Berlusconi] just felt me up again at our embassy dinner and asked if he could lick parmigiana off my sweaty American balls. God, transfer me anywhere else but here!” wrote one official in January 2009, only to receive the response that this was relatively mild by the standards of what Liberaci normally suggested, and that America expected each man to do his duty.

Noemi Letizia pretended to have an affair with Berlusconi in order to cover up his raging homosexual lusts.

Noemi Letizia pretended to have an affair with Berlusconi in order to cover up his raging homosexual lusts.

Apparently it is well known in diplomatic circles that Berlusconi is a raging queer, but Berlusconi has successfully hidden this through a combination of prostitution and sex scandals involving an array of beautiful women, as well as making numerous innuendo-ridden comments about women in the public domain to distract attention from his the way his eye mentally undresses every man in the room.

Foreign correspondents were left scratching their heads over the news. “I guess it does really make sense, now that I think about it,” said Matt Rogers of CNN, still looking somewhat bemused by the revelations. “I mean, when he said that right-wing female politicians were better looking than their left-wing counterparts and ‘the left has no taste, even when it comes to women,’ I can’t believe I fell for it. I mean, no one would ever actually say that, unless of course he were trying to hide the fact that he was gay.”

“Then there was that time he grabbed a black priest in Africa and said, ‘Hold me tight and call me Papa.’ God, it was right in front of our eyes? How could we not see it?”

Berlusconi can't contain his joy at having two uniformed men at his back.

Berlusconi can't contain his joy at having two uniformed men at his back.

Richard Willington of The Times was similarly nonplussed. “Oh God, yes, it all starts to make sense now,” said Willington, running frantically through his old reports. “All these scandals about the orgies he threw at Palazzo Grazioli (Berlusconi’s Rome residence), with all these beautiful naked girls, and yet virtually all of them deny having sex with him. They claim they all got naked and danced the bunga bunga. We all thought it was a blatant lie but it’s all true!”

“Who but a complete fag would get naked with these beautiful girls and then have them all do an African tribal dance?! It’s like the bombastic dream of a queer nightclub owner imagining an award-winning floorshow.”

Added Willington, “How could I have been so blind?”

The news has also brought Berlusconi’s relationship with other foreign leaders into a new light. Jake Ritter of Rolling Stone said, “Yeah, do you remember how tight he was with George Bush? There was that time in October 2008 when he was so excited to run and embrace Bush that he tripped over a microphone cable and collapsed the podium. Then he got up and said, “Do you see what a huge love can do?”

"I mean, it really makes you start to wonder," said Ritter emphatically.

"I mean, it really makes you start to wonder," said Ritter emphatically.

Ritter gave a low whistle and shook his head in rapidly dissolving disbelief. “God, it makes you wonder,” he said.

The centre of Rome rapidly filled with Italians protesting against Berlusconi and demanding that he resign. Said one man, Antonio Gracciuli (32) of Florence, “I was-a willing to put up with any amount of corrupt bullshit-a from that man, all the financial scandals and-a the prostitution scandals and the attempts to circumvent the constitution in order to escape prosecution. I was even willing to put up with the fact that he owns AC Milano, all because I thought he was a real macho guy, a real man’s man living life the Italian way, with a swagger and-a an eye for women.”

“But now it turns out he is a fag?!” shouted Mr. Gracciuli, enraged. “He’s a fuckin’ arse jockey?! He’s got to resign now! Berlusconi out! Berlusconi out!” he said, leading the crowd in a furious chant that was ironically identical to the morning headlines.

Mr. Berlusconi was unavailable for comment.

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