Thierry Henry Admits Handling Irish Economy in 2009

New York – In a frank interview with the New York Times, French footballing legend Thierry Henry has admitted what many have long suspected to be the case, that in 2009 he deliberately and with malice aforethought handled the Irish economy.

Thierry Henry's 'vavavoom' has been tarnished by his handling of the Irish economy.

Thierry Henry's 'vavavoom' has been tarnished by his handling of the Irish economy.

Henry, 33, currently playing with the New York Red Bulls, has delighted soccer fans for years with his graceful style and spectacular goals. However, controversy overshadowed his illustrious career in Nov. 2009 when many suspected that he had, in fact, deliberately handled the Irish economy.

Now Henry has come clean about his role in the disaster.

“First of all, I would like to say this is very difficile for me,” said Henry in a charming French accent. “I ‘ave never been a dirty player of the international stock market. There are people who play that way, but I ‘av never been one of them.”

“But, in Ireland’s case, I thought I would see ‘ow much I could get away with. I invested beaucoup l’argent in crazy property schemes; I borrowed freely from international banks; I deregulated all controls over l’economie; I bribed politicians for planning permission; I fostered a culture of reckless speculation and told everyone the taxpayers could bear the burden if anything went wrong.”

Asked the interviewer eagerly, “So you admit it?”

Henry took a deep breath and his shoulders lifted like a man released from a great weight. “Yes,” he said with relief. “It’s true. I did ‘andle the Irish economy in 2009.”

The Irish were all set to join the world’s elite nations when Henry’s handling of the economy threw them violently off course. Since then, Ireland’s prospects of ever making it to the top table have diminished rapidly as it descends to the level of Azerbaijan and Macedonia.

Dunphy believes Ireland may never get over Henry's disgraceful cheating and economic policies.

Dunphy believes Ireland may never get over Henry's disgraceful cheating and economic policies.

Controversial Irish pundit Eamon Dunphy was quick to condemn Henry’s actions.

“I said it at the time and I’ll say it to the grave,” said Dunphy passionately, shaking with a deep sense of injustice. “Thierry Henry is a cheat and liar. He’s not a footballing genius and he’s certainly not an economic genius. He’s a sham, a flimflam man, a blackguard.”

“The only place for him is in Fianna Fáil with the rest of them.”

Irish captain Robbie Keane was bitterly upset by the revelation but not exactly surprised.

“They were all against us, all waiting to jump on the little guys,” said Keane, spitting a mouthful of bile onto the ground by his feet. “I’ll bet they’re all up there texting each other their congratulations, Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini and Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy, the whole lot of them.”

“Henry’s as bad as any of them,” he added, kicking over a TV3 reporter in frustration.

Henry was also involved in a minor footballing incident of little consequence.

Henry was also involved in a minor footballing incident of little consequence.

However, not everyone blamed Henry. Senior Irish analyst John Giles said, “Thierry Henry did what any professional would do – steal the money and leave someone else holding the bag. In my opinion, it’s the officials who bear the blame for not seeing what he was up to.”

“I mean, who on Earth made Paddy Neary the financial regulator? He looks like John Cleese in the Ministry of Funny Walks!” Giles scoffed.

“He was practically the only person in Ireland who couldn’t see Thierry Henry handling the economy.”

One man always willing to disagree with popular opinion and tell the hard truth is single-minded Irish hero Roy Keane, who with typical candour refused to lay the blame on anyone but the Irish people.

“You can’t let bad debts bounce around in the danger zone like some kind of football,” said Keane. “You have to clear them out first time. Once we let them bounce in the box we were just asking for trouble.”

He knows it was your fault, and you know he knows.

He knows it was your fault, and you know he knows.

“Putting inexperienced young lads like Brian Lenihan and Brian Cowen into that situation was a disaster waiting to happen, and it’s your fault for putting them there!” he said coldly, turning his chilling gaze on the nation, who with terrifying certainty knew the truth, and knew that Keane knew they knew.

Despite protests, FIFA, UEFA, the EU, and the IMF said the results had already been officially recognised and there was no way to change them now.

Henry remains simultaneously repentant and uncaring, in classic Gallic fashion. “True, I would take it back if I could, just like the suicidal bank guarantee” he said.

“But merde happens,” he added with a shrug.

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