Cowen and Lenihan’s Modest Proposal: “All Bets Are On, Baby!”

Dublin – Stung by criticism that their economic policies favour wealthy bank bondholders at the expense of the Irish people, Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan have announced a modest proposal to restore confidence and stability in Ireland’s finances.

The Brians felt that wearing suits and standing up were essential to reassure markets of Ireland's financial stability.

The Brians felt that wearing suits and standing up were essential to reassure markets of Ireland's financial stability.

Speaking at a press conference in Dublin, Brian Cowen said, “We acknowledge that there is a great deal of anger running through the country at this moment.”

“The proposed new Budget will make life incomparably harder for all those people milling around outside the Golden Circle – whoever they might be.”

“The average peasant family will face tax hikes of up to €4,600. Unemployment of peons is set to increase rapidly as we lay off 20,000 public sector drones; 6,000 pencil-pushers and whiny nurses will be fired from the health service alone, most likely reducing average life expectancy for serfs; inflation for basic essentials such as food is rising, which may hurt those without fat expense accounts; moaning students will see fees go up dramatically, thus making education increasingly unaffordable for the grumbling masses.”

“All of this is perfectly in line with IMF/EU guidelines and yet for some reason you sheeple of Ireland seem to be enraged by it,” said Cowen, with a vexed air of perplexity.

“Why? You never cared when Charlie or Bertie fleeced you! Is it somethin’ about me you don’t like?” roared the Taoiseach, becoming ever more enraged.

Lenihan takes over the press conference as a furious Cowen is led away.

Lenihan takes over the press conference as a furious Cowen is led away.

“Well, FUCK YOU Ireland!” said Cowen, lunging threateningly at the audience before being restrained by FF minders who were on hand in case he said what he actually thought.

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan then took charge of the press conference.

“I think what the Taoiseach means is that we agree completely with the Irish people,” said Mr. Lenihan, donning the knowledgeable air of competence that is so invaluable to those who don’t know what they’re doing. “It is completely unfair that these bondholders should be recompensed when they took free risks with their own money.”

“That’s why we have decided to extend the same guarantees to the people of Ireland.”

“As of now, every bet made with your own money of your own free will with any bookie in Ireland will be guaranteed by the Irish government.”

Irish people charge down to Paddy Power upon hearing the news.

Irish people charge down to Paddy Power upon hearing the news.

“This policy will guarantee confidence in the basic soundness of our economic decision making, create stability in international financial markets, reassure our EU partners, and make Ireland once again an attractive place for foreign investment.”

“Win or lose, it’s a win-win situation, boys,” said Lenihan with a reassuring wink.

After a few seconds of stunned silence the entire nation surged to its feet and charged down to the nearest Paddy Power to punt the house onto every available piece of action going.

Local man Marty Burgess (51) said that he’d never seen such excitement. “Sure, I was just looking over some upcoming Premiership fixtures to see if there was a decent accumulator out there,” said Mr. Burgess in shock. “When suddenly the doors burst open and a flood of people came screaming in, throwing money around and wanting to bet on Women’s European Basketball League Division 3 matches and the Leitrim Under-12 hurling championships and God knows what else.”

Debts to Paddy Power are no threat to the country's sovereignty, said Lenihan.

Debts to Paddy Power are no threat to the country's sovereignty, said Lenihan.

“I even saw Sean Fitzpatrick there clutching a fistful of fifties, bellowing something about the Gozo Division 2 soccer league,” he said, shaking his head.

Paddy Power estimated that it received bets last night totalling €70 billion, all of which is now owed to it by the State. Rumour has it that Paddy Power has sent some men round from the IMF to make sure there won’t be any attempt to weasel out of the debt.

Said Lenihan shaking his head, “Lads, we didn’t want ye to just go out and abuse the system like that,” he said, shaking his head. “What possessed ye to go so crazy?”

“What will the banks and financial markets think of such reckless behaviour?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: