Jilted Nobel Committee Asks Obama to Return Peace Prize

Oslo – All great love stories end in heartbreak, and so it proved again last night in a snow-covered Oslo, bathed in the wistfully romantic glow of the Northern Lights.

With a heavy heart, but claiming the need to “be realistic about where this was going,” The Norwegian Nobel Committee has asked US President Barack Obama to return the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

Thorbjorn Jagland remembers the good times with Barack Obama.

Thorbjorn Jagland remembers the good times with Barack Obama.

Obama was a surprise choice for the award, given that he had no actual achievements to his name in 2009, but the Nobel Committee gave him the award because “very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world’s attention and given its people hope for a better future.”

Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Peace Prize Committee, said with barely suppressed distress, “I know now that it was a hopelessly romantic ideal. There was no way it could ever actually have worked; the world isn’t ready for such love…” Then his lower lip quivered and he choked back a sob.

“You were so amazing back then,” he continued with a pained smile. “I still remember when you first walked onto the international stage, the way you seemed so confident and articulate and intelligent and charming – we just thought anything was possible.”

“And, of course, we had a real thing for black men, and were kind of curious because we’d never had one before.”

“But we have to be realistic about this, Barack,” he continued, blinking back tears. “It was a foolish dream, and the foolish dreams of millions of people don’t amount to more than a hill of beans in this crazy world.”

“We’ll always have Oslo,” he said weakly, brushing a tear from his cheek.

Jagland publicly declares his love by giving a somewhat uncomfortable Obama the Nobel Peace Prize.

Jagland publicly declares his love by giving a somewhat uncomfortable Obama the Nobel Peace Prize.

While the relationship began brightly, reality came crashing down when it became apparent that Obama’s much talked about ‘stimulus’ was too small to excite the global economy. Then he had all sorts of medical problems involving insurance that took years to sort out, even as the situation across the world got steadily worse, with Israel and Palestine further from peace than ever, North Korea and Iran becoming increasingly belligerent, climate change talks hopelessly stalled and the Eurozone lurching from crisis to crisis.

“He just wasn’t the man I thought I knew before I knew him,” said Mr. Jagland sadly.

Sources close to the relationship say it began to sour when Obama insisted he needed to spend more time on his career.

“I mean, I knew from the start he was a politician,” said Mr. Jagland, trying not to look resentful. “I knew that as President he would have to make hard choices between competing claims for justice, and obviously he couldn’t satisfy everyone.”

“But I thought our relationship was special. I thought it meant something to him,” Mr. Jagland said before breaking down in tears.

Pulling a face of sheer hatred, Mr. Jagland snarled, “I blame it on his wife. She manipulates him so badly.”

“Now we just want the Peace Prize back so we can give it someone more deserving,” he shrieked.

When Mr. Obama finally made himself available by telephone for comment he asked, “Who? What prize?”

“Oh, the Peace Prize!” he said with the air of someone desperately trying to recall a first name. “Sure, I haven’t forgotten you, sweetheart, I’ve just been real busy lately, you know crazy it is here at work.”

“I mean, the economy’s just going to hell and the Korean situation is starting to look really worrying.”

Obama counts to 10 and begs the Lord to give him strength.

Obama counts to 10 and begs the Lord to give him strength.

“And then there’s the goddamned Irish!” Obama blurted out in frustration. “I mean, you wouldn’t believe the headaches they’re causing everyone right now. Jeez…”

Mr. Jagland started screaming incoherently about “promises whispered in moonlit gardens fragrant with cherry blossoms” down the phone at Mr. Obama, much to everyone’s discomfort.

“Look,” said Obama firmly. “I don’t know what you think I said, but I never gave you any reason to believe… now just hold on, don’t get hysterical… well you do sound a little bit overwrought… I never asked you to give me your Peace Prize… Look, I’ll call you when you’ve calmed down a bit, OK? Jeez…”

Mr. Obama hung up the phone and rolled his eyes. “These Europeans are more trouble than they’re worth,” he said, vowing never again to seduce any people who couldn’t behave like adults.

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