FF Backs Cowen to Deliver Crucial Knicker Vote

Dublin – Although he has been under pressure to resign in recent days due to his disastrous handling of Ireland’s national affairs and total disregard for democratic legitimacy, Brian Cowen was give a boost last night as Fianna Fáil TDs unanimously declared their belief that he was the man to win over the crucial knicker vote in the coming election.

Internal surveys by the Fianna Fáil party have shown that the key swing demographic will be 18-35 year-old single women, the so-called “knicker vote,” which will be pivotal in determining the party’s electoral success – or failure.

FF are relying on Cowen's raw sex appeal to win them the election.

FF are relying on Cowen's raw sex appeal to win them the election.

Minister for Enterprise, Trade, and Innovation Batt O’Keeffe said, “People have been saying for a while now that we should get rid of Brian and get a new leader just because the Taoiseach has shown a level of incompetence and arrogance unparalleled in the history of Irish government.”

“But what those people are forgetting is Brian’s key strength – his rugged, manly sex appeal. With Brian as our leader, we can win over the knicker vote and hold onto power.”

Female Fianna Fáil TDs were unstinting in their praise of Cowen’s powerful masculine charms.

“God, it gives me goose bumps every time I walk into Cabinet!” said Tánaiste Mary Coughlan, giggling like an excited schoolgirl at a Jedward concert. “The first time I was actually face-to-face with him I just went weak at the knees. The photographs can’t prepare you for how debonair he is, or the sheer animal magnetism lurking like a beast beneath that suit.”

“I just want to cover him in Nutella and then lick it off,” she added with slow relish.

However, Fianna Fáil strategists have been quick to point out that Cowen’s sophisticated man-of-the-world charms may be lost on the key demographic.

Cowen demonstrates his ability to draw the knicker vote.

Cowen demonstrates his ability to draw the knicker vote.

Laura Dillon (43), a stylishly dressed PR consultant for Fianna Fáil, said, “While the Taoiseach is undoubtedly the only man in Ireland who can compare with Pat Kenny, we need to emphasise his attractiveness for the younger generation.”

“I mean, I’d rip my clothes off if he just gave me the merest suggestive wink,” she said with a risque laugh. “Who wouldn’t? But to reach a younger age group we need to market his image in a way we know they like.”

Having surveyed the tastes of 18-35 year-old women, Dillon has convinced FF that it needs to emphasise the similarities between the Taoiseach and the heartthrob star of the Twilight series, Edward Pattinson.

“The comparison is just obvious to me,” said Dillon, looking in wonder at photos of the two men. “They’re like twins separated at birth.”

“It’s not just their chiselled good looks. They each have that air of being a mysterious outsider, someone not understood by their community because of their special powers.”

“When I see the Taoiseach single-handedly saving the country from disaster and yet being insulted at every turn, my heart goes out to him like a young Bella begging to turned into a vampire so she can truly be with her man.”

Pattinson ran a close second to Pat Kenny in a "sexiest man alive" poll among women 18-35.

Pattinson ran a close second to Pat Kenny in a "sexiest man alive" poll among women 18-35.

Cowen has recently been making every effort to tap into the appeal of Twilight. After explaining the conditions of the EU bailout and how the people of Ireland would have to spend decades paying it off through higher taxes, reduced public services, and reduced social welfare, he suddenly turned and spoke to the camera in a husky, intense voice.

“Know this, Ireland,” he said breathily, turning the full force of his irresistible charm on the nation. “I will never let anyone harm you. I will always be here to save you, no matter how hard you try to send me away.”

“I’m feeling very protective of you right now,” he added smokily.

Mary Hanafin, Minister for Tourism, Culture, and Sport, was blown away by his performance.

“God, when he looked right through the camera at me like that, I thought we were the only two people in the world!” she gushed. “I had to rush home and change my underwear.”

“Some people say Fianna Fáil are out of touch with what the Irish people want. Let’s hear them say that now!” she declared triumphantly, still glowing from ‘the Cowen twilight,’ as FF are now calling it.

“Once we bring out the Taoiseach swimsuit calendar, this election is in the bag.”

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