Colin Farrell Sees Budget, Decides to Stay in Bruges

Bruges – For many the city is like a fairytale, with its quaint old-fashioned buildings, famous cathedral, and pleasant outdoor cafes exuding continental charm and sophistication. For apprentice hitman Colin Farrell, though, Bruges was a place of torment and guilt that he famously compared to hell.

However, having just seen the Irish Budget in a newspaper, Farrell has decided he might be better off staying in Bruges for a while.

"I used to hate this place, but it's starting to grow on me," admitted Farrell.

"I used to hate this place, but it's starting to grow on me," admitted Farrell.

Said Farrell, “I used to hate it here. I mean, all this storybook picturesque medieval shite might impress some retard from the country, but not someone who grew up in Dublin.”

“Although Dublin looks to be on its way back to the 18th century as we speak,” he reflected.

“And then there’s the people here, what with Canadian tourists taking a swipe at ya with bottles and that Yank dwarf who keeps talking about the coming race war between the black midgets and the white midgets. I mean, I just couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of here,” said Farrell as he strolled alongside the peaceful Dijver canal towards the renowned Church of Our Lady.

However, Bruges has started to grow on Farrell now that he’s seen what’s waiting for him back home.

“Yeah, I mean, when I first got here I couldn’t wait to get back to Ireland. Well, not Ireland so much as Dublin, ‘coz the rest of the country’s full of boggers and farms and shit.”

“But then I saw what’s comin’ – an extra €1.9 billion in fuckin’ income tax? VAT up to 23%? Water charges and a fuckin’ site valuation tax? Will I have any money left?”

Colin Farrell reacts to news of the recent Irish Budget.

Colin Farrell reacts to news of the recent Irish Budget.

“I’d probably have to shoot 2 or 3 people a week just to keep up with government charges,” said Farrell despondently. “I don’t think I could do it, unless somebody hired me to start taking out bankers, in which case I’d offer them a discount price, you know?”

“And everyone in Fianna Fuckin’ Fáil will get theirs anyway, as a Christmas present.”

Farrell was particularly upset by the cuts to social welfare, the pensions, and the minimum wage.

“I mean, everyone I fuckin’ know back home is on the fuckin’ dole,” said Farrell, gesturing helplessly at Bruges’ beautiful cityscape, with its cobblestone old town and happy citizens enjoying the benefits of living in a country not run by Fianna Fáil. “If you cut that, they’ll just have to start robbin’ more people in order to make ends meet.”

“And then they’re cuttin’ granno’s pension as well!” he said in disbelief. “Sure now we’ll have to start goin’ abroad to rob people to support her as well. I may as well just stay here and rob tourists, then post the money back to Ma.”

Farrell pointed at some morbidly obese American tourists wobbling elephantinely down the Dweersstraat clutching shopping bags loaded with tacky souvenirs. “It’d be like being on safari,” he said with a roguish wink.

According to Farrell, some of his gangster connections back home are having a hard time finding anything to rob.

"I'm the Irish people, and he's Fianna Fáil," explained Farrell.

"I'm the Irish people, and he's Fianna Fáil," explained Farrell.

“Some of the lads back home tried to rob a bank, but there wasn’t any money in it,” said Farrell gloomily. “They weren’t so sad about it though; they just waited for the cops to come so they could be jailed. Free rent and three meals a day? I tell ya, not a bad option in this day and age.”

“One of the lads even shot the bank manager just to get an extra ten years, and out of pure principle. They’re calling him the Irish Robin Hood.”

Sitting down at a café in the Markt to a fine Belgian beer brewed by Trappist monks in a small monastery outside Kortrijk, Farrell looked out at the city he used to hate and said reflectively, “I suppose I could stay here for another while.”

“There’s no rush to get back, you know?”

2 Responses to Colin Farrell Sees Budget, Decides to Stay in Bruges

  1. dongtacular says:

    “That’s for John Lennon, you Yankee fuckin’ cunt!”

    I guess I didn’t realize how bad it was in Ireland. If Bruges starts to bore you, come visit me in Canada.

    “Maybe that’s what hell is, the entire rest of eternity spent in fucking Bruges.”

  2. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    Brilliant again Lifeboat.

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