Catholics Fear Pope’s Condom Conceals the Worst

Rome – In the great square before St. Peter’s Basilica, where an apocalyptic sun burns in the blood-coloured twilight, thousands of pilgrims huddle in fear today as they think about the implications of the Pope’s legitimisation of condoms.

Long a strict opponent of artificial contraception, Pope Benedict has come out in recent days and declared, “In certain cases… it can nevertheless be a first step on the way to another, more humane sexuality.”

The Pope has traditionally taken a hard line on condom use.

The Pope has traditionally taken a hard line on condom use.

Terror is rapidly spreading among Catholics across the world as they ponder what could have changed the Pope’s mind, and they are rapidly concluding that the Church has done something really, really bad this time.

“Oh, you think the Catholic Church going to admit it was wrong just-a because it is wrong and everyone knows it?” said Mariano Gaudi, gesturing wildly outside his café in central Rome. “It took them 400-a years to admit that Galileo was right and that the Earth went round the sun. 400 years!” he shouted, sending coffee cups and ashtrays flying with his furiously gesticulating arms.

“And now he just changes his mind in the space of, what, a few decades? You believe that? Stronzo!” he snorted and then stared up apprehensively at the ever-darkening clouds swirling above the Vatican.

“They must have done something really, really bad this time,” said Mbeke Buwana, a devout Catholic who nevertheless campaigns for UNAIDS in an effort to halt the spread of the HIV across the African continent. “I mean, last year on a trip to Africa the Pope said that condoms would only ‘aggravate’ the problem of AIDS because they would encourage more casual sex.”

“Aggravate? Man, people been having casual sex in Africa for millions of years! How you think the human race exist? Meanwhile we got some countries like Botswana where 40% of the people suffering from HIV, kids getting born with HIV, people with AIDS going around totally untreated because we can’t afford medicine, and the only cheap way of fighting it is outlawed by the Pope.”

The Pope refused to clarify Catholic fears that the Church had done something really, really evil this time.

The Pope refused to clarify Catholic fears that the Church had done something really, really evil this time.

“I mean, if he didn’t think millions of people dying was enough to legitimise condom use, then you got to ask yourself: What the hell did he just do?”

A thunderclap pealed across the sky like the mocking nihilistic laughter of Satan, and Mr Buwana declined to say any more as he sprinted away from the epicentre of the coming Armageddon.

Gary Donoghue of Athlone, standing inside the shelter of an ancient stone church while hailstones big as fists clubbed the screaming masses, babbled, “There’s rumours, you know, people have been saying stuff, I mean, it’s hard to know what to believe,” as a searing wind like the fiery breath of hell swept through the panicked city, overturning cars and lifting the skirts off Filipina nuns.

“I heard someone say that there’s been secret midnight meetings under the Vatican, unholy desecrations of the tomb of St. Peter where a demon was called forth amid the blood of 13 virgins and sexually molested by the Pope, who didn’t use the proper protection as he thinks it kills the sensation of pure evil and now the Antichrist is among us.”

"Dan Brown tried to warn us, but we didn't listen!" sobbed Mr. Donoghue.

"Dan Brown tried to warn us, but we didn't listen!" sobbed Mr. Donoghue.

“Or that might just be the plot of the new Dan Brown novel, I can’t remember where I heard it,” added Mr. Donoghue in confusion.

“But, I mean, just think about all those abuse scandals, the way they shielded Brendan Smith and others so they could go on molesting kids, the way they tortured all those kids who were sent away to orphanages. You could have argued then that a more open attitude to sexuality and contraception would have prevented all of that, but no, even then the Church refused to say that condoms might be a good thing.”

“They must have really done it this time,” he said, when suddenly all the crosses in the church burst into flames while the melting statues of Jesus screamed like the damned souls burning in the eternal flames of Hades.

As seas boiled and ancient demons arose from the steaming waters to bring the wrath of Moloch to the human race, Sister Mary Immaculata from Wexford stood resolutely in front of the Vatican with her rosary beads.

“Those fucking boy-chasing closet homos in the Vatican have really done it this time,” she said as she clicked through another decade of the Rosary.

The Vatican denied it has fallen under the influence of pure evil.

The Vatican denied it has fallen under the influence of pure evil.

“The problem with the Church is that it’s all about men,” continued Sister Mary, as she replaced the Our Father with a doubly fervent Hail Mary. “The whole hierarchy is a total boy’s club totally committed to seeing things from a man’s point of view.”

A sudden lightning stroke rent the Vatican in two, sending the ancient walls tumbling down in clouds of sulphurous dust.

“If we just cut all the pricks in the world off, we wouldn’t have these problems in the first place,” shrieked Sister Mary as a gargoyle came flying out off the ruins to assault her faith in the one true God.

The Pope promised to clarify his situation on condoms over the next few days.

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