True to Form, FF Denies Receiving Giant EU Brown Envelope

Dublin – Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose, as President Sarkozy might put it with typically energetic Gallic fatalism.

As IMF and EU bailout experts march around the capital assessing the nation’s finances, Fianna Fáil has denied any knowledge of a giant EU brown envelope stuffed with billions of euros, despite numerous eyewitnesses and damning independently corroborated evidence.

Senior political analyst Robert Capeless said the Taoiseach’s reaction was straight out of the FF playbook.

Bertie Ahern demonstrates the dark arts of Fianna Fáil while Lenihan and Cowen watch attentively.

Bertie Ahern demonstrates the dark arts of Fianna Fáil while Lenihan and Cowen watch attentively.

“Those of us who have long been studying the methods of Fianna Fáil know this is a classic first step. First they always deny the existence of the envelope,” said Mr. Capeless, with the muted rage and beaten expression that comes of spending a lifetime watching FF commit one outrageous act of corruption after another without being held to account.

“You can see the same pattern of behaviour going back through Liam Lawlor and Bertie Ahern and Ray Burke and Charlie Haughey. ‘What envelope? There’s no envelope here. I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ and so on.”

Taoiseach Brian Cowen appeared on the Six-One News on Nov. 17 to deny strenuously that the giant brown envelope existed. “Such pejorative terms do not help the situation,” said Mr. Cowen. “Fianna Fáil is a party of the highest moral and fiscal integrity and would never stoop to some untoward backroom deal involving a 3 ton envelope stuffed with used fivers.”

“We’d never be able to find a backroom big enough.”

The Taoiseach’s statements come even as reports are flooding in from citizens that IMF workers have been seen unloading a giant envelope from an oil tanker, which was then slowly taken across the city to the RDS, which Fianna Fáil has reserved for a ‘special party crisis meeting.’

Two cranes were needed to unload the big brown EU envelope, even as FF denied its existence.

Two cranes were needed to unload the big brown EU envelope, even as FF denied its existence.

As the humongous brown envelope was steered slowly across the nation’s capital in full view of the public, leading Fianna Fáil ministers tripped over themselves to deny its existence, just as Mr. Capeless predicted.

Finance Minister Brian Lenihan was quick out of the blocks, saying “The state is well funded into June of next year, we have substantial reserves, so this country is not in a situation or position where it is required in any way to apply for the [big brown EU envelope stuffed with money] facility… Why apply in those circumstances? It doesn’t seem to me to make any sense. It would send a signal to the markets that we are not in a position to manage our affairs ourselves.”

Mr. Capeless shook his head with the bitter resignation of one long living under the shadow of Fianna Fáil. “The fact that the markets, along with the rest of the world, had already reached that conclusion anyway seems to make little difference,” he said, absent-mindedly snapping his pencil in two in suppressed frustration.

“Sometimes Fianna Fáil’s denial of reality is quite pathological.”

Mr. Capeless then explained the second traditional Fianna Fáil step. “The second phase is to say, ‘Oh, that envelope? Sure that doesn’t mean anything,’ just like when Ray Burke admitted those property developers had left €30,000 on his desk, but this was an everyday occurrence of no great significance.”

Cowen denied that the €100 billion was somehow connected with corrupt FF policies.

Cowen denied that the €100 billion was somehow connected with corrupt FF policies.

“Or when Bertie Ahern said those four cash lodgements totalling  €85,000 were just goodwill loans from friendly property developers. Sure, those property developers are just really nice, generous men – Bertie’s influence over planning permission is in no way connected to the large sums of money he got from them men seeking planning permission.”

True to form, Cowen & co. have now started admitting that a big brown envelope full of cash has been ‘made available,’ to Ireland, but that this envelope has no great significance for the Irish people.

“There is no question of loss of sovereignty for Ireland,” said the Taoiseach on Nov. 18, continuing FF’s pathological denial of what is perfectly obvious to everyone else. “It will be the sovereign decision of the Irish Government on behalf of the Irish people that will decide what shape any package would be where we can decide that’s in our best interests.”

“Those IMF lads are just here to take advantage of the great Christmas shopping in Dublin.”

Mr. Capeless shrugged resignedly and then absent-mindedly smashed his cup off the wall, looking mildly astonished at his own outburst. “Well, that’s phase two. Phase three is where we set up a tribunal to investigate the whole stinking corrupt mess we’re in, which takes ten years, costs €100 million, and doesn’t lead to a single arrest.”

“Fianna Fáil just keep doing it to us, and we just keep taking it like the bitches we are,” he added hopelessly, putting his boot through his computer monitor.

One Response to True to Form, FF Denies Receiving Giant EU Brown Envelope

  1. Pingback: Non-Golfing Bank Executives Fear System Handicaps Their Greed « Views from the Lifeboat

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