Merkel Privately Beginning to Wish Germany Had Won World War II

Berlin – As she surveys the wreckage of the Eurozone, with Ireland collapsing in a heap of incompetence and corruption, Greece already on life support, and Portugal and Spain following close behind, German Chancellor Angela Merkel is privately beginning to wish Germany had won World War II.

According to aides close to the Chancellor, Merkel has increasingly been given in private to lament the folly that left Europe’s smaller, more irresponsible countries with their independence.

Now a video has appeared on the internet showing Merkel airing her private grievances after another EU meeting to discuss the Irish bailout.

“If only that Arschloch Hitler had let the generals cut the English off from Dunkirk, or he hadn’t attacked the Soviets, things might all have been much different today,” she sighed, pushing aside another stack of documents from the Irish government asking for a few hundred billion.

Merkel is privately beginning to wish Germany had won World War II.

Merkel is privately beginning to wish Germany had won World War II.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she added quickly. “Nobody wants to be ruled by the Nazis. Their five-year economic plans were almost as reckless as Anglo Irish Bank’s, except they had the might of the Wehrmacht and Anglo only had Sean Fitzpatrick’s book fiddling. But they both ended up destroying their countries just the same.

“Still,” she said wistfully, her face drawn and haggard from a long day of listening to Brian Lenihan try and rationalise Ireland’s reckless gambling, “Europe would be in a lot better shape if it were ruled by the Germans.”

Pouring herself a clear glass of schnapps, Chancellor Merkel sat down in a comfortable armchair and said, “Hitler should at least have invaded Ireland, or persuaded the British to conquer it again. That was the real mistake of the war – letting that little Scheißkaff survive as a country.”

“The things I would do to that place if I were Chancellor,” she said, staring intently into her glass of schnapps before downing it in one gulp.

German efficiency would make nonsense of Dublin's lack of parking spaces.

German efficiency would make nonsense of Dublin's lack of parking spaces.

According to sources close to the Chancellor, Merkel has said this numerous times in recent weeks as she watches Ireland accelerate towards the cliff. In her darker moments, she has ominously threatened to bring clear, transparent, sensible government to a nation that would probably die of shock if it actually experienced such treatment.

“I mean, really, Ireland was doing pretty well. It had some sound strategic advantages: it was a European country that spoke English, had a highly educated workforce, low corporate tax rates, and an image as an attractive culture. The ideal site for major American corporations to set up headquarters – how could anyone really screw that up?”

“But, nein, the Irish have to go nuts and start charging €400,000 for a small studio apartment off Nassau Street. Or treating financial regulation like it was law about cleaning up your pet’s dogshit, or writing the strategy for urban planning development on the back of a few brown paper envelopes.”

“And why zum Teufel would the Irish Taoiseach get paid more than I or the US President?” she screeched. “Did none of those pixieheads think that was a little bit much?”

“Ach,” she snorted in disgust as she downed another schnapps. “Don’t talk to me about that Scheißkopf Biffo.”

Downing her fourth schnapps, Merkel suddenly poured the rest of the bottle over the Irish bailout request and set fire to it.

Scheißkopf

Scheißkopf

“Why did you agree to the bank bailout in the first place?”” screamed Merkel, fuming, as the flames leaped higher before her eyes. “Even then, you could have terminated the bank guarantee by arguing that the banks had withheld material information about their solvency, in clear violation of the law!” Merkel then went into an insane frenzy, frothing at the mouth in a way that was eerily reminiscent of a previous German leader while her petrified aides watched motionlessly.

“The worst of it is that any minute now we’re going to have the Portuguese and the Spanish bashing down the door looking for more of the same. And the Italians will get in on the act, too – you know how these southern Europeans are when they scent money.”

Glancing at the hotline telephone to the army chief of staff, Merkel wiped her mouth and with an effort of will turned away to the window. “No, Angie, don’t,” she muttered to herself, clutching the empty schnapps bottle.

“Surely not even the Irish can carry on being this stupid, can they?”

She glanced over at the map of a free independent Europe with Ireland hanging over it like a vampire bat, and scowled.

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