Fine Gael Announce Solution to Financial Crisis: “Ministerial Jobs.”

Fine Gael today finally published a detailed proposal outlining the party’s preferred solution to the economic crisis – ministerial jobs.

At a press launch for the new policy document, party leader Enda Kenny declared, “There has been a great deal of discussion about the right path for Fine Gael to take in order to go round this economic cycle until we turn the corner. But this document charts the road to economic salvation straight through the circumference of the storm.”

Enda Kenny explains his bold vision for how Fine Gael can survive the financial crisis.

Enda Kenny explains his bold vision for how Fine Gael can survive the financial crisis.

“And make no mistake: these are terrible times for the people of Fine Gael, what with the threat of homes being possessed and young people being forced to emigrate as immigrants.”

“But we do have an answer!” stated Mr. Kenny with slow and deliberate emphasis on each word, as the spindoctors of Fine Gael had coached him beforehand. “We can weather this great earthquake by securing, for each and every member, a ministerial job.”

The policy document outlines the party’s plan to win the next election and thereby secure a large number of cabinet posts. Combined with junior ministerial posts and a comprehensive rotation system, the policy document foresees everyone getting a post within the government over the lifetime of the next Dáil.

The increases in salary, plus the ample ministerial pension, should allow everyone to secure their finances until the country is on its feet again.

Mr. Kenny said that somewhere, over the rainbow, was a shitheap we had to avoid.

Mr. Kenny said that somewhere, over the rainbow, was a shitheap we had to avoid.

“Even the cruellest winter is followed by the dawn,” said Mr. Kenny, attempting to imitate the soaring rhetoric of President Obama, whom he greatly hopes to hand shamrocks to on a future St. Patrick’s Day. “Though the ship is foundering, the sails still fly, and if we hang tough to the mast we might not go down with the stern.”

“As Galileo proved, what goes down must come up.”

Asked to discuss some of the precise details of the plan, and specifically how exactly this rotation system would work, Mr. Kenny became flustered and began employing his customary idiosyncratic diction at an ever more confusing rate.

“Ah, well, I think the plan is perfectly opaque on this point,” he said, leafing through its pages with the sinking expression of a child asked a hard question by a strict maths teacher. “But, you know, I’m not an abacus; I can’t keep all these calculations in my head like some kind of washing machine.”

Enda Kenny attempts to add up the number of ministerial posts available using his body as an abacus.

Enda Kenny attempts to add up the number of ministerial posts available using his body as an abacus.

“But I can give the people something firm they can grab onto tightly, something hard and powerful that I want everyone to keep deep inside them, something you can suck on like a baby’s pacifier whenever the going gets rough: my…” he paused and frowned in puzzlement at his spindoctors, who were frantically trying to communicate something to him.

“My commitment,” he ended hesitantly, unsure what was going on behind the scenes. “My promise to do what is right for the people of Fine Gael in order to see us all through this crisis.”

Asked if perhaps Richard Bruton were nearby to explain what was quite obviously his plan, Mr. Kenny said, “No, now two limes can’t share the same light, if you get my snowdrift and don’t take it with a pinch of salt, otherwise it may melt.”

Likely future coalition partner Eamon Gilmore, leader of the Labour Party, said that he approved of the plan in general, but felt that in order for it to work government would have to raise taxes and redistribute wealth to those who need it most.

“There’s no way we can all have ministerial jobs,” said Gilmore. “And no man will be left behind by Labour. We’ll have to raise taxes on these corporate fatcats who’ve gotten us into this mess, then use that money to create new ministries.”

“With a slew of new ministries, and their accompanying ministerial posts, I’m sure we can see off this recession.”

"I've got my plan to escape the recession - what's yours?"

"I've got my plan to escape the recession - what's yours?"

When asked about what Fine Gael had to offer those who weren’t in Fine Gael, Enda Kenny looked blank. “What does that have to do with me?” he asked, turning the question into a joke to try and defuse the tension.

“Look, you obviously have some strange idea of politics boiling away in your head like an empty kettle,” said Kenny, to the confusion of all. “And we all know that empty kettles make the most noise but are the first thing to desert a sinking ship instead of staying to bail it out, and with the EU bailout coming we need more than your crazy idea of politics to get us out of this mess.”

“The purpose of politics is to seize power. We know this in Fine Gael, and that’s how we’re getting out of this hole. How you get out of this hole is your own business.”

And with that Mr. Kenny smiled and waved for the gobsmacked photographers and left the room.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: