Pat Kenny: “I Know I Make You Horny, Ireland.”

Confronted yet again by the accusation that he can’t stand up for the common man while earning over €600,000 a year, broadcaster Pat Kenny has justified his expensive salary by stating that only he can really get the nation’s juices flowing.

"What have I got to be modest about?" asked Pat Kenny.

"What have I got to be modest about?" asked Pat Kenny.

During a debate about TD’s salaries with Minister for Agriculture Brendan Smith and Mary Hanafin TD, the minister accused Kenny of being unable to criticise TD’s when he got a far higher annual salary than any of them, a line of attack Mr. Kenny has had to deal with on a number of occasions since the onset of the recession, most notably when he was personally attacked on his current affairs show Frontline by a member of the audience as a ‘hypocrite.’

This time, however, Mr. Kenny was in no mood to feign false modesty.

“My salary doesn’t even begin to reflect my worth to RTE, my years of experience as a broadcaster, and the quality of my work,” said Kenny.

“And then there’s that priceless something extra that I bring to both TV and radio, that je ne sais quoi that adds a frisson of sexual excitement to even the most tedious debates about the location of new landfills in South Tipperary.”

Turning suavely to the camera to drop a knowing wink at the audience, Kenny said: “Admit it. You know I make you horny, Ireland.”

Dropping the charade of being on the same intellectual and sexual level as those around him, Kenny leaned back and straightened his shoulders, letting his tailor-made shirt expose the taut lines of his hard masculine body, much to the frantically whispered excitement of some women in the front row.

“You want to talk about who’s worth it?” asked Kenny, smiling roguishly at his captivated audience. “Do you think there’s anyone else who could make a debate with Brendan Smith not just watchable but enjoyable? Someone else who can stimulate both the mind and the body and the body politic at the same time?”

“I’d like to see you try and find such a well-educated, debonair, and knowledgeable Adonis.”

"Gay Byrne? Name says it all," said Pat Kenny with a shrug.

"Gay Byrne? Name says it all," said Pat Kenny with a shrug.

Smith, awestruck by Kenny’s magnetic charm, stumbled through a half-hearted riposte about presenters Gay Byrne and Ryan Tubridy and Miriam O’Callaghan, only to be cowed into silence by Kenny’s magnificent baritone laugh.

“Oh, please,” said Kenny, amused. “Gay? Name says it all. Housewives’ favourite back in the 50s and 60s, but we all know what fag hags the older generation of Irish housewives were.”

“Just look at how they used to fuss over priests whenever they came by.”

“And Tubridy’s got a nice niche, but nobody’s really going to choose a long stringy piece of bacon over a firm piece of prime Irish roast,” said Kenny with that touch of arrogance only the truly superior can wear so lightly.

"Long string of plain bacon."

"Long string of plain bacon."

“Isn’t that right, Mary?” he added with a knowing glance at Mary Hanafin TD, who blushed and then started giggling hysterically.

“And sure, I’m not going to deny that Miriam O’Callaghan has the looks; just think of what she looked like before those eight kids,” said Kenny. “But she hasn’t got the gravitas that my rich, deep voice and penetrating intellect bring to any discussion.”

“She’s better off where she belongs, waiting for me after the show in a hotel room in Dublin 4 in the hope that I might have time to come by.”

Turning back to Brendan Smith, Kenny arched his debonair eyebrows in sceptical fashion and said, “So don’t go around trying to compare my salary with yours. You’re only the Minister for Agriculture; anybody in Ireland could help run the country into the ground.”

“I’m one in a million, and I’m willing to do it for around €600,000.”

"Needs her bit of Pat every week, just like you."

"Needs her bit of Pat every week, just like you."

The audience jumped to its feet and starting cheering, with several women throwing underwear at Kenny, who calmly acknowledged the hero worship of the masses.

“But it isn’t about me,” he said, turning that devastating smile on the enraptured nation. “I’m doing this for you, the little people. You’ll hear voices asking you to take away even more of my huge salary, just because it comes from your taxes and license fee. Don’t listen to them. You need your little bit of Pat every week, just like Miriam. You need me to add that sparkle and glamour to your lives. And you can have it on the cheap, at a mere €600,000 a year.”

“Because you’re worth it too,” he said, blowing a kiss at the screen that caused the nation to faint away at the strength of its overwhelming passion.

2 Responses to Pat Kenny: “I Know I Make You Horny, Ireland.”

  1. 1651ce says:

    “frantically whispered excitement…” hehehe

  2. irishcunt says:

    I just wish all these cunts would die violently.

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