Cowen Takes Out Texas Injunction Against Donegal SW By-Election

Dallas, Texas  – In an extraordinary challenge to Irish democracy and legal sovereignty, Taoiseach Brian Cowen has taken out an injunction in North Texas against the Donegal SW by-election.

Speaking in a hoarse, groggy voice – which he said was due to the dusty Texas air – Mr. Cowen grumbled in his usual petulant monotone about the need at this critical hour for the Taoiseach to be forced to fly personally to Texas to buy an injunction.

Cowen is exasperated by the continual demands of citizens in Donegal SW for their democratic rights.

Cowen is exasperated by the continual demands of citizens in Donegal SW for their democratic rights.

“I can’t believe the lengths the people of this country are willing to go to force me to block this pointless, unnecessary democratic participation in government by the citizens of Donegal South-West,” he complained grumpily. “The country is in crisis, and I’m needed at all these important meetings. Only I can truly lead Ireland in this moment of dire need.”

“You’d think people were deliberately trying to stop me, or something.”

Mr. Cowen, whose majority in the Dáil currently hangs on a very slim margin, said that he had done everything he could to ensure safe, secure governance of the country by refusing to allow by-elections in areas with unrepresented voters.

“First I refused to give the writ for the election, and they take me to court over it. Then the fucking court rules against me – that judge’ll get his pretty soon – and make me take it to the Supreme Court. Then we finally agreed to hold it on a Thursday so students and working people couldn’t vote, and these gobshites still aren’t happy.”

“And all this with a crucial budget vote comin’ up? Those lads in Donegal SW might base their vote on their opinions of the new austerity budget.”

“You can’t run a country like that, by letting ordinary people have a say in what’s goin’ on. There’s no telling what bad things might happen.”

Cowen admired Tom Hicks' willingness to deal with the public 'the Texas way.'

Cowen admired Tom Hicks' willingness to deal with the public 'the Texas way.'

The Taoiseach said that he had gotten the idea for an injunction from his good friend Tom Hicks, the former co-owner of Liverpool FC. Mr. Hicks, who was universally despised by Liverpool fans, players, and coaching staff, tried a similar tactic in order to block the sale of the club to more responsible owners for a price he thought too low for something he had personally run into the ground.

“I like Tom Hicks, we have a lot in common,” said Mr. Cowen. “He was a man with a vision, just like me. And all that stood in his way were the people, his complete absence of money, a hostile media, and a court overwhelmingly biased in favour of technical details, such as laws.”

“We could both do amazing things if it weren’t for those four minor problems.”

Like Hicks, Cowen lodged an injunction with a court in North Texas to prevent a legal action in Europe going ahead, because such a process doesn’t require any kind of participation from anyone except the plaintiff. With a $15,000 bond and a heartfelt plea, you can get a temporary injunction against almost anything.

Somebody dares suggest that the Taoiseach has a duty to the people.

Somebody dares suggest that the Taoiseach has a duty to the people.

“Texas justice is my kind of justice, especially as I can write that $15,000 off as part of my expenses,” Cowen declared enthusiastically. “You don’t know how irritatin’ it is to have to keep listening to the Cabinet, the Greens, the fuckin’ Dáil, the media, the electorate, the whole shaggin’ lot of ‘em. Now I can get an injunction tellin’ them to piss off and let me do my job in peace.”

“Who are those fuckin’ people to tell me how to be Taoiseach? Do they think I’m their lap dog? I’M THE FUCKIN’ TAOISEACH!”

Mr. Cowen was then heard struggling with an aspirin bottle and requesting of a passing black woman pushing a pram that she pick the cotton out so he could get a few tablets. “Pick that fuckin’ cotton, would ya?” Cowen was heard to demand. There were sounds of a scuffle and a baby crying before Cowen reappeared on the line.

“That’ll show that bitch to fuck with Taoiseach Biffo,” he remarked with a self-satisfied air.

“And there’s plenty more of that for whoever wants it.”

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