PwC Ratings of Female Employees ‘Questionable,’ says Financial Regulator

Dublin – A new scandal erupted in the Irish financial sector yesterday as Financial Regulator Matthew Elderfield said that ratings of female employees at PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) were highly questionable and would be subject to an immediate investigation.

An internal e-mail from male staff at PwC containing a list of the hottest new female associates was leaked online and rapidly went viral. Copies of the e-mail (original available to read here) soon came to the attention of the financial regulatory office, which launched an immediate investigation.

Financial Regulator Matthew Elderfield studying the controversial list.

Financial Regulator Matthew Elderfield studying the controversial list.

Speaking to the press this morning, Mr. Elderfield said, “It is my duty as Financial Regulator to ensure that women in the financial sector are rated in the fairest, most transparent fashion.”

“PwC, as one of the big four accountancy firms, has a responsibility to rate these women according to generally accepted principles. However, once again it would seem that PwC has flouted the rules and done irreparable damage to the Old Boy Network by manipulating the ratings for the benefit of executives within PwC, regardless of the damage being caused elsewhere.”

Using a slideshow of the women in question, Mr. Elderfield demonstrated how his suspicions, among other things, were aroused.

“If we take a close look at the figures, we can see that No. 4 clearly has the firmest, most ample investment opportunities,” he said, letting his laser pointer linger fondly over her supple yet voluptuous body. “These upward-trending curves here should really excite markets. Add to that her potential for growth due to her relative youth and you have an addition to your stock portfolio that would cause any man’s dividends to rise significantly.”

Elderfield said the ranking of this little firecracker at only No. 4 aroused his 'suspicions'.

Elderfield said the ranking of this little firecracker at only No. 4 aroused his 'suspicions'.

“I just don’t understand how standard accounting practices could rank her out of the top three,” he said, shaking his head.

Mr. Elderfield’s comments were echoed on radio shows across the country yesterday as the nation debated the top ten list.

“I don’t wish to sound harsh,” said talk show host Joe Duffy during his endless discussion with a woman from Clontarf, “but it seems that PwC is always a wee bit out of step with reality, you know? I mean, first there was its whole accountancy of many of Ireland’s major banks, which obviously weren’t in healthy shape no matter what PwC was saying, and now there’s this list, which simply ignores, to my mind, the vice-like golden thighs of girl No. 7.”

“Like a fucking Bond girl,” he added appreciatively.

After the woman from Clontarf slammed the phone down, Mr. Duffy asked, “What? Did I say something wrong or something?”

“Women,” he said with a dismissive shrug.

A source inside PwC said that the irregularities in the list would come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the company.

Joe Duffy ponders if the woman from Clontarf may also have vice-like golden thighs.

Joe Duffy ponders if the woman from Clontarf may also have vice-like golden thighs.

“Yeah, they’re always pulling scams like this,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “The guy who made the list knows all about No. 4, but by a bit of ‘earnings management,’ you know what I’m saying, he gives the impression that she’s worth less than she is. Then he corners the market with her before showing up with her in full glitz at some office do. After that, his stock with the boys will be higher than ever.”

“Of course, what you should really be looking for is the ‘off-the-balance-sheet’ stuff that they’re trying to keep hidden,” he continued knowingly. “I’ll bet if you investigate their offices, you’ll find some pretty fine assets PwC’s trying to keep quiet about.”

“Those PwC boys know all about these kinds of tricks.”

Senior PwC partner Ronan Murphy said that he had been following the matter closely and intended to take appropriate action.

A delighted Ronan Murphy makes his move.

A delighted Ronan Murphy makes his move.

“Everyone involved can expect a big fat Christmas bonus from PwC,” he declared jovially. “I thought our role in the financial crisis and the country’s impending bankruptcy would inevitably lead to a serious public backlash. It’s obvious to everyone that there was a lot of creative accounting going on here during the boom, and I feared there was no way we could avoid a good kicking from the people.”

“But now that all that anger has been channelled into this bullshit scandal, we might actually get away with destroying the quality of life of millions of Irish people! We couldn’t be happier here at PwC.”

“I could kiss everyone involved in this nonsense, but especially Girl No. 4.”

One Response to PwC Ratings of Female Employees ‘Questionable,’ says Financial Regulator

  1. Pingback: O’Driscoll’s One-Handed Bar Pick-up Inspires Nation « Views from the Lifeboat

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