IRFU Asks Ireland for more Passion, Commitment to IRFU Ahead of All-Blacks Game

Dublin – Stung by recent criticism of its outrageous ticket policy for the recent internationals, the IRFU has responded by delivering a public bollocking to the public ahead of the crucial game against New Zealand on Nov. 20.

The IRFU has taken huge criticism of its ticket prices for the games, and is currently charging €50 for the game against Samoa and a €190 package deal to watch the upcoming New Zealand and Argentina games. In an economy recently described by the Department of Finance in its Information Note on the Budget as ‘fucked,’ such steep costs naturally led to a low attendance, with 15,000 seats left empty for the match against World Champions South Africa.

The IRFU was disgusted with the lack of passion shown by Irish supporters.

The IRFU was disgusted with the lack of passion shown by Irish supporters.

The IRFU put the shockingly low attendance down to the Irish public not having a real pair of balls.

The IRFU Committee charged into a room to meet Irish rugby supporters, with faces like those of Alex Ferguson, if he were losing 2-0 at half-time to Liverpool.

In the awkward silence, committee member Cyril Fitzgerald stalked around the room, glaring at the assembled supporters. “Not fuckin’ good enough,” he said with an air of finality, before becoming totally enraged. “Not fuckin’ good enough! D’ye think that ye’re supportin’ out there was good enough? They’re the fuckin’ World Champions, and ye’re playing the All-Blacks in 10 days! D’ye think a measly 35,000 people moaning on about ticket prices is going to be good enough against the All-Blacks?”

“I don’t what this country’s rugby supporters are coming to,” he said with a heavy sigh.

Before anyone could respond, another IRFU Committee member took the floor. “Oh, you think rugby is all about the glory, do you?” shouted Pat Whelan. “You think you’re so fuckin’ it because you were there in Cardiff when we won the Grand Slam, and now you don’t think you have to show up for the rinky-dink little home games against Samoa, is that right?”

“You’re just a bunch of big-time Charlies,” he sneered in disdain.

The IRFU Committee took no prisoners during its motivational talk.

The IRFU Committee took no prisoners during its motivational talk.

Fellow committee member Feidlim MacLoughlin ran into the crowd and, grabbing a random Irish fan by the collar, slammed her up against the wall. “Where’s your fuckin’ pride?” he roared into the terrified girl’s face. “Where’s your fuckin’ pride in your €75 replica jersey?”

As she broke down crying he threw her on a heap in the ground in disgust.

One of the leaders of the Irish Rugby Supporters Club attempted to remonstrate with the enraged committee, explaining that times were hard in the country and the public didn’t have the spare cash to pay €95 to watch friendlies against Argentina. However, this simply drove the committee into an even wilder fury.

“Who the fuck are you?!” Finbarr Crowley said, smashing a tray of teacups off the wall over his head. “Who are you, you little gobshite? Give me that jersey back. Give it to me! You’ll never support Ireland again, you prick! Let me at him! I’ll bite his fuckin’ face off!”

Shaken Irish fans attempt to rediscover their Dutch courage after the IRFU's 'hairdryer' treatment.

Shaken Irish fans attempt to rediscover their Dutch courage after the IRFU's 'hairdryer' treatment.

While this cowed most supporters into submission, maverick supporter Kevin Myers refused to bow the knee. “You lords of the IRFU don’t frighten me,” he said with exaggerated coolness, only to be hit in the face by a boot that Finbarr Crowley kicked in his direction. After a brief scuffle, Myers’ broken and bloodied body was taken off to hospital.

“Now lads,” said Leo Galvin compassionately, amid the sound of choked sobs. “There’s still time to put it right. We’re only at half-time in the Guinness Internationals. Sure ye’ve had a bad start, but ye can still pick it up and come out fightin’. Do it for us, lads, do it for the IRFU gaffers. Do it for next year’s €150 replica jersey.”

“And I don’t ever want to hear any criticism from ye again; what happens here stays between us. In public, the IRFU and its supporters always show a united front. Now get out there and fuckin’ abuse the shite out of the opposition, lads! Get stuck into ‘em!”

“And most important of all,” he said with simple and benign benediction, “remember to enjoy yourselves.”

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