Iraqis Worried About Rising Number of Irish Immigrants

Baghdad – Responding to a rising wave of public concern, Iraqi politicians from across the spectrum have been debating how to deal with the country’s most pressing issue – how to stem the massive influx of Irish immigrants.

Until 2008, the issue was almost non-existent. Iraq was a war-devastated nation attempting to create stability and basic security for its citizens amid bitter internecine conflicts and the big-fisted attentions of the Bush administration, while Ireland was one of the leading lights of the global economy. However, so rapid has been Ireland’s fall from grace that hundreds of thousands of Irish people are now illegally entering Iraq looking for work.

Prime Minister al-Maliki warns the Irish that Iraq is not their promised land.

Prime Minister al-Maliki warns the Irish that Iraq is not their promised land.

Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki addressed angry local workers on Sunday, declaring that “while Iraq has traditionally been noted for its hospitality and generosity to anyone who wasn’t Kurdish, Iranian, Kuwaiti, or part of a multinational invasion force that killed about 100,000 Iraqi civilians over the past seven years, the Irish would have to realise that there was a limit to how many refugees the country could take.”

For many in the crowd, the prime minister was simply out of touch with the depth of feeling on the ground.

“We can’t let any more Irish in!” insisted Ahmed al-Bandar (34), a former engineer who has been working since the invasion as a water carrier, bringing buckets of fresh water from the only clean source in the town of Fallujah to the market place. “We were only just starting to get back on our feet, but now all these dirty European immigrants with foul customs show up and offer to do any shit job for wages no respectable human being could live on. They’re taking our jobs and putting ordinary decent Iraqis out of work.”

And they breed like rabbits fired by the Shaitan’s unquenchable lust! If we let in any more the whole country will be overrun with Irish in 20 years, and then where will we be?”

“This country’s going to the dogs,” he said bitterly, before beginning the long, lonely walk to the bus station in the hope that some kind of public transport may run this week.

The Irish reject complaints that their behaviour is unseemly and incompatible with Islamic values.

The Irish reject complaints that their behaviour is unseemly and incompatible with Islamic values.

A group of local women were even more vehement in their criticisms of al-Maliki. Rukia Chalabi (29), a former hairdresser whose business was destroyed during the invasion and now works as a prostitute servicing US troops, said, “Those Irish are a moral stain on our great nation. They openly defy our religion, our laws, and our traditions.”

“Just last week one of them opened a filthy Irish pub on our street and soon the place was full of people drinking alcohol in open defiance of the Koran. Not to mention the fighting at closing time, and the half-conscious women being molested up against the dumpster at the back. It’s no wonder they have so many dirty children running around everywhere.”

“I’ll bet hardly any of them knows who their father is.”

Mrs. Malia al-Birani (45) agreed strongly with Miss Chalabi. “Ordinarily I would ask to be stripped naked and flogged if I were seen in public talking to a whore of the foreign soldiers like Rukia here,” said Mrs. al-Birani, who lost her husband and two children after a US search-and-destroy mission wrongly thought they were a team of crack al-Qaeda guerrilla warriors. “But the Irish are an issue that concerns us all. Their public drunkenness and lewd behaviour is a disgrace to humanity. Some of them even banged on my door last night – stinking drunk of course – and asked if I could make them a kebab. I don’t know what this country’s coming to.”

“And what is it with that music?!” she screeched suddenly. “It’s like listening to a still-living disembowelled infant be hit repeatedly with a banjo.”

"If we're lucky, the Yanks might attack us as well, which would do wonders for the construction industry."

"If we're lucky, the Yanks might attack us as well, which would do wonders for the construction industry."

An interview with a local immigrant seemed to confirm many Iraqi prejudices. Derek Clohessy (23), formerly of Rathfarnham and now living in a shantytown outside the Green Zone said, “Sure, it’s grand! I mean, after those property developers went bust there was no more work back home, but there’s loads of work going on over here. The Yanks’ll give ya 50p an hour as well, with 60p for overtime.”

“Course, getting hold of some drink was a bit hard at first, but one of the lads is making poitín in an old dustbin.”

“Local birds are a bit uptight, but I tell ya, I’d love to cop a feel up a burqa, you know what I’m sayin’?”

Miss Chalabi shivered when she saw the interview and shook her head. “Our country is a mess because we got bombed into the ground by the Americans, who then made a complete mess of reconstruction. What excuse do the Irish have?”

“Whatever happend to them is their own fault,” she said angrily, before rushing after a passing tank to see if she could attract any business.

One Response to Iraqis Worried About Rising Number of Irish Immigrants

  1. Pingback: Emigration Hit GAA Clubs Turn to Alternative Genders, Species « Views from the Lifeboat

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: