“Ireland’s Worst” Smashes RTE Records

Following the success of Ireland’s Greatest, RTE announced today that it was looking to continue the successful format with an even greater triumph – Ireland’s Worst.

Producer Niall Kilkenny said that the initial response made Ireland’s Greatest look like a domestic sitcom in comparison. “The interest is just phenomenal,” said Mr. Kilkenny. “We’d only just put up notice on the website, creating a forum in which people could give their opinion on who is Ireland’s worst person ever, and within 3 hours we had 4 million comments. That’s more than the population of the Republic.”

“By this morning that was up to 20 million comments, as the diaspora starting putting their two cents in.”

Cardinal Brady denied having any knowledge of anything he might have done to feature on "Ireland's Worst."

Cardinal Brady denied having any knowledge of anything he might have done to feature on "Ireland's Worst."

Comments on the page showed Irish people around the world participating fiercely to denounce leaders of Church and State, civil servants, cultural icons, GAA presidents and managers, politicians, archbishops, university professors, taxi drivers, hairdressers, and the regular driver of the bus from Dublin city centre to Stillorgan.

“Anyone, in fact, who has at one time been in a position of some authority,” said Mr. Kilkenny.

RTE personnel have been using linguistic computer programmes that search for word frequency to help pick out the names rising from the sea of red-faced perspiring fury indicated by the length and passionate nature of the comments.

“It took a while,” Mr. Kilkenny admitted. “The top one hundred words for frequency were all things you wouldn’t repeat in a church, unless you were talking to Cardinal Sean Brady about his role in covering up abuse scandals, in which case certain of those words might be useful.”

“My favourite was ‘dick-turd,’ which had a novelty value that made it quite effective.”

The leading names in the competition naturally included many of Ireland’s current political leaders. Paddy Power made Brian Cowen evens favourite to win the competition, especially after one irate commenter described him as having “a face like an ignorant pus-filled arse-boil,” which the bookies felt was striking enough to stay firmly lodged in the collective memory.

Bertie Ahern also featured highly on the list, given that the high levels of planning corruption and backroom dealing that marked his long reign as Taoiseach helped manufacture the bubble that led to the Great Recession, but experts say that his cuddly image will surely prevent him from scooping the big prize.

Bookies anticipate the "ignorant pus-filled arse-boil" comment will put Cowen over the top.

Bookies anticipate the "ignorant pus-filled arse-boil" comment will put Cowen over the top.

Controversially, many of those who made the shortlist for Ireland’s Greatest also feature highly on the list of Ireland’s Worst.

“Getting on the shortlist made Bono’s head inflate like an ignorant pus-filled arse-boil,” snorted The Edge, who said he had heard the insult recently and been quite struck by it. “He hasn’t written a good song in over two decades, and even back then he produced a lot of shite. If it wasn’t for my pyrotechnic guitar solos and instinctive feel for popular rhythm, we’d have been back playing community halls in Dublin long ago.”

Mary Robinson also came in for a lot of criticism online. Feminist activist Kelly Browne said, “Mary Robinson gave Irish women a role in Irish politics – a ceremonial role off to the side where no important decisions are made. It’s no surprise she went on to work for the UN.”

“She’d suck a cactus to get her face on TV,” added Miss Browne spitefully.

"She's probably sitting on the cactus in this photo," remarked feminist activist Kelly Browne.

"She's probably sitting on the cactus in this photo," remarked feminist activist Kelly Browne.

Historians immediately lodged a familiar complaint saying that it was overwhelmingly biased in favour of contemporary figures and ignored the many fucktards that had made Ireland the fast-sinking shithole it is today.

“While I agree that Cowen deserves to be placed highly on the list for his anti-democratic rule, disastrous handling of the financial crisis, and general disregard for the Irish people, I think we can’t really ignore the many arse-gobs that have shaped our nation,” said Professor Declan Cassidy, chair of history at Trinity College. “Look at Parnell, who sacrificed the nation’s liberty because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. What about Diarmaid Mac Murchadha, King of Leinster, who actually begged the Normans to send armies to Ireland, thus setting the stage for 700 years of colonial domination? Surely these men have to be included on any shortlist of the greatest wank stains on the nation’s rich tapestry.”

Mr. Kilkenny said that such was the interest in the show that RTE are planning to make it a 20-year series, with one episode a day, culminating in a grand finale on Dec. 31, 2030.

“My only fear is that new dick-turds will appear on the national scene faster than we can hope to keep up with,” sighed Mr. Kilkenny.

One Response to “Ireland’s Worst” Smashes RTE Records

  1. 1651ce says:

    “dick-turd”…classic

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