Tearful Greens Admit FF Addiction

Senior members of the Green Party announced today that, having repeatedly denied such allegations in the past, they now acknowledged the need to admit to the public that the Greens have long been struggling with an addiction to FF.

Former party leader Trevor Sargent, a current TD for Dublin North, tearfully acknowledged the depth of the problem and said that the Greens had first become addicted to FF back in 2007.

The Greens strut their stuff to Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life" at the peak of their FF high.

The Greens strut their stuff to Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life" at the peak of their FF high.

“Back then, you know, I never would have thought that it could happen to me,” he said, staring with red-rimmed eyes into the memory of happier days, before his addiction came to dominate his life. “I mean, I’d always been a staunch campaigner against FF, you know. Journalists sometimes asked me if I had ever been interested in trying FF and I totally rubbished the idea.”

“I even told the Irish Times in February 2007 that ‘I do not see myself leading the party into coalition with Fianna Fáil due to its culture of bad planning, corruption and bad standards.’”

“It all seemed so clear back then,” he whimpered, suddenly overcome with emotion.

Since going into a coalition government with Fianna Fáil in 2007, the Greens have shown all the classic signs of FF addiction, such as going along with a regime known for planning corruption, woefully inadequate financial regulation, and anti-democratic tendencies, while abandoning any pretense of fighting for their own policies and constituents.

Paul Gogarty off his face on FF in the Dáil.

Paul Gogarty off his face on FF in the Dáil.

The symptoms also included a complete loss of respect for others and for the institutions of government. Paul Gogarty TD admitted that he had been completely off his face on FF when he famously shouted “Fuck you, Deputy Stagg!” in Dáil Éireann. “I mean, what kind of fuckin’ language was that to be usin’ in the fuckin’  Dáil?” said Mr. Gogarty, stricken with the pointless remorse that often comes after the FF high has faded away. “That’s the kind of thing that gobshite Brian Cowen might say to someone, you know, or that conniving cunt Bertie might have said behind someone’s back. That’s not me. That’s not the Greens.”

Sitting next to Sargent, the gaunt, haggard figure of Ciarán Cuffe TD, spoke up in the zombie-like tones of one drowning in deep troughs of despair following a massive high. “I used to think the same way as Trevor,” he said in a dejected, suicidal monotone. “I was such a priggish idealist then. But I’d seen what happened to Labour in 1992, and then the terrible tragedy of the PDs. Both of them got addicted to FF and look what happened.”

In 1992, the Labour Party under Dick Spring used its greatly improved electoral results to form a coalition government with Fianna Fáil, an action which led directly to major losses in the following election, and the Labour party has since spent over a decade in rehab. The Progressive Democrats sadly passed away from FF addiction in the 2007 election.

“I even said after the elections that ‘A deal with Fianna Fáil would be a deal with the devil. We would be spat out after five years and decimated as a party.’”

“But I thought we could handle it. I thought it would be different for us, that we could get enough of FF to have the country buzzing with renewable energy supplies and a modest carbon tax that would blaze a trail for our European partners.”

“I shoulda known better. I shoulda known we couldn’t handle it. One taste of FF, and all that do-gooding shite went out the window. We just wanted more, and we’d agree with anything they said in order to get it.”

John Gormley in the throes of FF addiction.

John Gormley in the throes of FF addiction.

Party leader John Gormley showed no signs of repentance, however. Sprinting down the street with large wads of taxpayer’s money shoved up his jumper, Minister for the Environment Gormley shouted: “Choose life – choose the Greens!” with a manic grin of nihilistic despair on his face. “Choose to grow vegetables in a pile of your own composted shit, while your peers are eating state dinners at the US embassy. Choose to ride a bicycle through Dublin’s shitty traffic instead of a minister’s chauffeur-driven car. Choose renewable solar energy in a gloomy Dublin suburb while the FF boys are lapping it up in the Costa del Sol. Choose a life of high moral seriousness while others get to have all the fucking fun.”

“Well I didn’t choose life. I chose FF. All the way to the grave, baby!”

And with that he sped out of sight, pausing only to rip up a poster of Brian Cowen beaming at him from under a broken lamppost.

Deputy party leader Mary White TD managed to drool out a few final words through the haze of her rampant FF addiction. “I just, you know, don’t do it, don’t get hooked on FF. It’ll destroy your life. If anyone ever asks you, just say no to FF.”

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