EU Plots Irish Referendum to Boot Out Irish

Brussels – A summit meeting regarding Ireland’s growing economic crisis ended last night with an ingenious plan to resolve the EU’s difficulties. Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, outlined the task facing the EU in a press conference after the meeting.

“We have watched with growing concern the deteriorating fiscal condition in Ireland,” she said. “And we have agreed that it is a cause of great concern for the European Union. Our fundamental problem is this: How do we wash our hands of it?”

"How can we wash our hands of the Irish?" asks Merkel while Sarkozy listens pensively.

"How can we wash our hands of the Irish?" asks Merkel while Sarkozy listens pensively.

Observers say that the problem is a serious one. An Irish collapse would raise doubts about the credibility of the euro, thus damaging the economies of genuinely important nations; on the other hand, bailing the Irish out would inevitably lead to similar requests for money from the Greeks, Portuguese, and Spanish.

“If the EU were a nation-state, people with money might be willing to pay the welfare of the less fortunate due to fellow-feeling, the desire to create a better social environment, and a commitment to the community,” said Merkel. “But those PIGS can kiss my fat German arse. There’s no way I’m handing our hard-earned money over to the lazy Greeks and those pixieheads in Ireland.”

President Nicolas Sarkozy of France agreed. “You cannot expect the French people to start working maybe 37 or even 40 hours a week simply to feed the Irish,” said Sarkozy with a Gallic shrug that somehow conveyed both vigour and resignation simultaneously. “So our problem is this: how do we kick them out of the EU without looking like that’s what we’re doing?”

Congratulations all round as EU leaders find ingenious way to kick out the Irish.

Congratulations all round as EU leaders find ingenious way to kick out the Irish.

“To this problem we feel we have come up with a brilliant solution,” he added with a self-satisfied smirk.

“We will ask the Irish to have a referendum endorsing their membership in the EU.”

A gasp of wonderment and appreciation escaped from the assembled journalists at the elegant simplicity of the manoeuvre. Under the plan, the EU will offer €20 billion annually to bail out Ireland but only if the Irish hold a referendum on whether or not to stay in the EU.

“Of course, it is in Ireland’s interest to vote ‘Oui,’ yes?” said President Sarkozy, “Which is exactly why they will vote ‘Non.’ The Irish have never truly understood what it means to be a democracy, that each citizen is involved in running the state. The Irish have no clue how to run a country.”

“If they did, why would they always vote for Fianna Fáil?”

Chancellor Merkel said that all that was needed was to convince the Irish government to support the referendum. “The Irish people hate the government they voted for,” she said with traces of bemusement and exasperation. “Even if you run the referendum the day after the election, people would vote against the government they had just voted in. Of course, the government will side with us because we will be offering €20 billion a year with no strings attached.”

“Then we will tell them there will be no spending oversight, so they will think they can steal it for themselves.”

Merkel and Sarkozy ponder an independent Ireland successfully managing its own affairs.

Merkel and Sarkozy ponder an independent Ireland successfully managing its own affairs.

“Once we get them out campaigning passionately for a ‘yes’ vote, the Irish will vote ‘no,’ and we can wave goodbye to them.”

The EU will sweeten the deal by convincing leading Irish economists that economic independence would be a boon for the country, in that Ireland could have its own currency which it could devalue in order to make foreign investment and Irish exports more attractive in the eyes of the markets. “This is true,” said President Sarkozy, “and another country could make this work. But where would Ireland find political leaders who wouldn’t manage to fuck it up? They will just go more quickly into the Dark Ages, with corrupt governments increasingly reaming the ignorant people for everything they have.”

“But by that point it won’t be our problem any more,” he added dismissively.

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