GAA Referees Take Fight to Supporters

The Fermanagh county hurling final descended into chaos last night as the referee, assisted by both linesmen, four umpires, and a masked brigade of vigilante referees, stormed the stands and physically assaulted supporters.

The match between Enniskillen Gaels and Derrygonnelly was finely poised in the second half when the referee awarded a contentious penalty to Derrygonnelly. The decision sparked uproar in the crowd, but according to witnesses nothing so untoward that it could have sparked the extraordinary scenes that followed.

A GAA fan calmly attempts to explain his point of view to the referee.

A GAA fan calmly attempts to explain his point of view to the referee.

Gerry MacGrath (47), an Enniskillen Gaels supporter present at the game, recalled from the emergency room of a local hospital that “sure of course there was a big shout when he gave that stupid fuckin’ penalty. Whoever heard of a ref giving a penalty in hurling just because some lad got sandwiched by two defenders in the small square while the goalie was hittin’ him in the bollix with his hurley? Sure if you gave penalties for that you’d be giving out ten or fifty penalties a match.”

“Some of the younger lads did get a bit carried away, though, calling the ref a four-eyed blind cunt with a retarded mother and an English father,” said Mr. MacGrath. “There’s no reason to bring his mother into it. I myself simply called him a fuckwitted eyeless donkey-molester, which is perfectly common within GAA culture, and may even be considered affectionate in certain circumstances.”

Some supporters took to the field to remonstrate personally with the referee, another action which is perfectly common within GAA culture. The leader of this group, Seamus Maher, was still undergoing surgery at the time of printing, but his close friend and fellow Enniskillen Gaels man Josie Hoolihan (36) was able to describe what happened. “Well after he gave that penalty for pure nothin’, only an ould elbow in the face and a few belts in the balls, well, we were fuckin’ ragin’. Seamus leapt the fence and we all followed him, and then he went to the referee saying he was a useless bat-blind shiteater from an inbred family of retarded sheep rapists and that he was going to cut his balls off and shove them into his eye sockets so he might be able to see what was a penalty and what wasn’t.”

“Nothing at all to provoke what happened next,” he said in bewilderment.

Stewards desperately attempt to pull a screaming victim away from the referee.

Stewards desperately attempt to pull a screaming victim away from the referee.

According to witnesses, the referee, after taking a few mild punches from supporters that were nothing more than attention-getters really, pulled a second whistle from his pocket and blew a high sharp note. Suddenly his fellow officials produced nightsticks and baseball bats and began beating every living thing within range to within an inch of its life. “Oh it was all planned, all of it,” said Mr. Hoolihan. “They were just waiting to go. After Seamus hit him a few love-taps to the face the ref reached into his shorts and pulled out some fuckin’ nunchuks and before we knew it Seamus’ face was just a mess of blood and the referee was on us, screaming like a fuckin’ banshee and beatin’ anyone he could get near.”

As the crowd watched, the chaos on the pitch suddenly spilled into the stands as a group of masked men in GAA referee outfits jumped the fence and began assaulting everyone in sight with a fury unseen since the days of the War of Independence. John MacIntee (74) said, “It was like something from Bloody Sunday, what with those lads jumping the fence and just blazing away at the crowd and everyone screaming and running and stampeding while the referees, oh god, the referees!” He broke down and through his racking sobs wailed, “Their soulless blind eyes… the pure evil of their black uniforms! Oh Lord… what did we do to deserve this?”

Police estimate the casualties from the assault as including 47 seriously injured, with a further 207 requiring hospitalisation. A spokesman for GAA referees refused to express any remorse however and said, “This wasn’t an attack; this was just a warning. From now on, when we blow the whistle, we want complete silence from everyone – players, fans, managers, commentators – everyone. It’s hard enough patrolling 30 lads playing the fastest ball games in the world without this bullshit being heaped on us as well.”

“Otherwise,” he added darkly, “when we really attack, you’ll fucking know it.”

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