Diaspora to David McWilliams: “Get Fucked.”

In a not entirely unexpected announcement today, the Association for Irish Diaspora stated that David McWilliams, the celebrity Irish economist who argues that the diaspora are Ireland’s great untapped resource, can go fuck himself.

A spokesman for the diaspora, Gerry Thornton (54) of Boston, said that “when my grandfather left behind the green fields of Ireland to emigrate to the USA, he gave his family one piece of advice which we have always treasured: “One day someone from the old country will come looking for money. It may be a relative, it may be a starving child, or it may be a smarmy Trinity College-educated economist trying to peddle some bullshit he’s written a book about. No matter what, tell the bum to take a hike.””

“I think it’s a tribute to my grandfather’s foresight that he described Macker down to a T in 1934.”

David McWilliams demonstrates the art of bullshitting regularly on Irish TV.

David McWilliams demonstrates the art of bullshitting regularly on Irish TV.

McWilliams made a name for himself as a commentator on economic affairs on Irish television, where a boyish smile and excellent haircut were enough to hide his complete and total ignorance of how the world works. Deluded by the grandeur of having his own show on TV3, McWilliams has recently been promoting the idea in books, on TV, and in news articles that the Irish diaspora can help bring Ireland out of recession, seemingly unaware of the fact that the diaspora don’t give a shit.

“In fact,” said Mr. Thornton, “I think that could be a pretty good definition of the Irish diaspora: People who don’t give a shit about Ireland, so much so that they don’t live there and don’t want to live there. I mean, you’d think this would be pretty obvious, but not to Macker or the suckers he writes for. I guess people in Ireland need to think of those who emigrated as being all teary-eyed for the Ould Sod, rather than enjoying the benefits of living in much better-run, more advanced countries which offer greater personal and professional opportunities.”

McWilliams’ website contains such gems of snake-oil peddling as “think about the potential economic impact of the Irish Diaspora. This is one thing we have that so few other countries have. This is our biggest and most unique resource and yet we don’t appreciate its value.”

“That’s exactly the kind of bullshit we don’t need right now,” said Mr. Thornton. “I’ve got the banks breathing down my neck about my mortgage, the company I work for just let another four people go last week, and my kids are about to go to college – the last thing I need is the goddamned Irish showing up asking if they can tap my resources. Buddy, you can go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.”

“But what really made our jaws drop was when Macker starting talking about building the Irish Empire,” chuckled Mr. Thornton to appreciative laughter from the assembled journalists.

McWilliams outlined his delusional plan for Irish global domination in this sadly best-selling book.

McWilliams outlined his delusional plan for Irish global domination in this sadly best-selling book.

McWilliams’ scheme not only involves some vague kind of help from the diaspora to help maintain Ireland’s economy but the creation of a new global empire of Irishness. According to McWilliams, “It is time to see the island of Ireland in the 21st century as the cradle of a global nation. This nation extends all over the world, gelled together by the shared experience of previous generations… If we do this, globalisation could be the golden era of the Irish. We can turn our historical defeat into a future victory.”

“That just gets me right here, though,” said Mr. Thornton, pointing to his heart with the glimmer of a tear in his eye. “I mean, how desperate do people have to be before they start buying this bullshit? You’re about to be sent back to the 1950s, scraping around for odd jobs digging holes and hoping you have enough to pay heating bills over the winter, and people are actually buying Macker’s crap about Ireland as the New Rome? I guess things must be pretty bad over there.”

“The only thing the Irish are going to get from the diaspora is this free piece of advice,” concluded Mr. Thornton. “The diaspora left because Ireland will always be a badly-run nation with politics dominated by parochialism and cronyism and a civil society unable to distinguish bullshit from reality. If you want to make something of yourself, go somewhere else where it’s at least possible.”

“And when Macker comes after you with the begging bowl,” added Mr. Thornton with a stern look of warning, “tell him to shove it up his arse.”

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