Real IRA: “Irish Reunification no Longer Desirable Goal.”

The Real IRA has declared in a taped news broadcast that, in view of the worsening economic situation in the Republic of Ireland, reunification no longer seems desirable.

“We believed passionately in the idea of a free, united Ireland,” read out a spokesman for the paramilitaries while several balaclava-clad gunman looked silently at the camera. “But that ideal has been hit by some harsh realities in recent months. After carefully studying the deteriorating situation down South, we have reluctantly come to the conclusion that those people are going down, and all we want now is that they don’t drag us down with them.”

Real IRA: "Actually, wanting to join the Republic seems stupid now."

Real IRA: "Actually, wanting to join the Republic seems stupid now."

A splinter group from the now disarmed IRA, the Real IRA has previously threatened to keep fighting in the struggle to liberate Northern Ireland from British rule and reunite the 32 counties of Ireland. However, as the Republic of Ireland now faces a choice between national bankruptcy or years of abject poverty, this goal has been abandoned.

“The sight of tens of thousands of Irish Christmas shoppers driving across the border in search of cheaper, better quality bargains in Northern Ireland made a strong impression on us as a group,” continued the spokesman. “It convinced us that things had gone to the dogs down there. I mean, who would come to one of the most violent places in Europe to shop? We even put out bomb warnings to try and deter some of them but they just kept coming. I couldn’t get a wink of sleep with all the traffic.”

“Those Mexicans have no consideration for others,” he added cryptically, while the other masked gunmen broke out laughing.

The broadcast then became more relaxed as the men realised their long cherished but impossible dreams could be safely abandoned in favour of the more traditional community building pursuit of insulting those south of the border.

“I mean, really, what would we have to do if we somehow liberated the 6 counties?” asked one of the others. “Tell the people that from now on we will be subject to the all-party austerity talks? That we can expect massively reduced spending on all government services? Say what you like about the Prods and the English, but they do run a tight ship.”

“And would we have to pledge an Oath of Loyalty to that fat bastard from Offaly? Fuck that!” snorted the gunman. “I’d rather pledge an Oath to the Queen.”

The others nodded firmly in agreement.

Northern Ireland First Minister Peter Robinson was quick to support the declaration. “This step lays the foundation for peace in the six counties,” said Mr. Robinson. “From this day forward we can put aside our guns and say to each other that, Catholic and Protestant alike, we are better off without those apes down in Monkeyland.”

“If only those chimpanzees had listened to us in 1921, they would be safely ruled from Westminster now and not their own tree-house council of baboons.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they resort to cannibalism pretty soon,” he added.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen responds to the news.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen responds to the news.

Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams said it was important that both Catholics and Protestants alike worked to prevent more Irish immigrating to the North. “The six counties are the last spark of civilisation left on this island,” he said in a ringing speech in Belfast. “If we don’t fence it off, we could be overrun by those nettle-eaters from the South and then where would be? 32 counties living in the fucking Stone Age!”

Irish Taoiseach Brian Cowen had no response, but just sat staring slackly at the TV with his jaws flabbily wobbling, like a gorilla attempting to imitate human speech.

One Response to Real IRA: “Irish Reunification no Longer Desirable Goal.”

  1. Paddy says:

    I don’t believe this article is true.

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