Bono Launches “Product Green” to Help Beleaguered Ireland

The rock star Bono launched a new brand today – Product Green – which will use its future profits to help fight against crippling debts in newly third-world nations, such as Ireland. At a press conference in New York, Bono called on the world to do more to help the people of the Emerald Isle, saying that simply going there for golfing trips twice a year wasn’t enough.

“People don’t understand the depth of the suffering going on there,” Bono said in a passionate speech. “It’s not like in Africa; those people never had anything anyway. But the Irish were once people like you and me, people who could casually pay €2 for a mouthful of coffee or watch the football live on satellite TV rather than waiting for highlights on The Premiership. Then the evils of corporate capitalism took that away from them. It’s important that the First World stand together with the once-First World and Product Green will allow us to do that.”

Bono insists Product Green has nothing to do with promoting his own image.

Bono insists Product Green has nothing to do with promoting his own image.

Product Green is an ambitious new attempt in conscientious commerce, which encourages consumers not just to buy products but also to feel smug about themselves afterwards.

“And with good reason,” said Bono. “Product Green uses a simple and transparent method to bring your dollars to those in need. It’s going to help set up businesses employing local Irish people to make products financed by capital from Product Green. The initial capital has been secured by a €50 billion loan on international bond markets with several supplementary loans of €1-5 billion each as collateral. This money will then be invested in firms with the Product Green logo.”

“But the really clever bit is that we will also be taking secondary bets – or “derivatives” as they’re technically known – on the success of the capital we’ve invested based on the loan secured through the various supplementary loans. In theory, the potential number of derivatives is infinite so our money supply should also expand infinitely, so we’ll never have to pay any of it back!”

“Actually I’m not entirely sure how that works,” Bono admitted sheepishly. “But the guy who explained it had an MBA from Harvard, so it must be OK.”

The Edge remains skeptical about usefulness of Product Green, Bono.

The Edge remains skeptical about usefulness of Product Green, Bono.

Other members of U2 were less enthusiastic about the project. “That bleeding heart liberal do-gooder is really starting to get on my tits,” said guitarist The Edge, grumpily putting down a well-thumbed copy of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. “Doesn’t he realise that money is a measure of moral worth and can’t be given away to whinging freeloaders like the Irish? How hard can it be to buy a few instruments and become the world’s greatest rock band with hit after hit powered by scintillating guitar riffs of electrifying virtuosity?”

“Anyone who can’t do that isn’t even trying.”

Bassist Adam Clayton was sceptical about Product Green’s chances of success as it didn’t promote spoons or spoon-related products. “I think I’ve got pretty much all kinds of Irish spoons anyway,” said Mr. Clayton. “Unless the country can design some new spoons I don’t see any way back for it.”

Drummer Larry Mullen refused to comment, instead rolling his eyes and walking out of the building, muttering darkly, “Just one more album and you can walk away, Lar.”

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