Chilean President: “Rescuing Irish from Deep Hole is Next.”

In a special news conference today, Chilean President Sebastian Pinera congratulated the Chilean people on their collective effort to rescue the 33 miners trapped underground and promised that the country would not waver in its desire to help those in direst need, even the Irish. “Chile is a country that is able to fight against adversity – to unite with strength, faith and hope,” said President Pinera as the last of the miners was safely rescued. “But we must never forget those communities who do not have our commitment and passion and desire to do what is right. That is why we will immediately deploy our experienced rescue team to help another group of people trapped in an even deeper hole – the people of Ireland.” 

Carried away by euphoria, President Pinera commits Chileans to impossible task

The news was initially met with a cheer from the euphoric crowd at Camp Hope, but the optimism created by the incredible rescue of the trapped miners was soon tempered by sober realism. Whereas the miners were trapped underground for 69 days, the Irish initially fell into a black hole of economic misery in the autumn of 2008 and have not seen daylight since. Rescue efforts have been hampered by Ireland’s own internal rescue service, the so-called NAMA, which has focused on saving the corporate logos buried in the collapse, such as AIB and BoI, even though these corporations were largely responsible for the collapse in the first place, with their shaky support structures and lack of responsible safety procedures.

“The problem wouldn’t have been so bad if NAMA hadn’t actually asked the people to dig themselves deeper under a mountain of debt,” said Chilean mining minister Laurence Golborne. “We are trying with all of our might to help the trapped people of Ireland, but it’s kind of hard when they are digging themselves away from our rescue team faster than we can reach them. If only they had leaders who knew which was up, we might be able to do something.”

Irish politicians, from left, Enda Kenny of the Fine Gael party, Prime Minister Brian Cowen of the Fianna Fail party, and Eamon Gilmore of the Labour Party. (AP Photo/Niall Carson/-pa) **UNITED KINGDOM OUT: NO SALES: NO ARCHIVE:**

Ireland's political leaders attempt to work out which way is up

News that Ireland’s misguided leaders were considering pooling their “talents” in order to come up with a rescue plan threw more immediate cold water on the hopes of the Chilean people. The current proposals for all-party agreement on four years of austerity budgets, thereby breaking all known rules of macroeconomics by cutting government spending during a recession, left even the most optimistic of Chilean rescuers disillusioned.

“They’re fucked,” said a rescue worker who spent 17 days after the rock fall searching with unflagging hope for a way to reach the trapped and starving miners. “I mean, you don’t need a degree in economics from Harvard, like our heroic President Sebastian Pinera, to know that this is a fucking stupid idea. I mean, if all the private companies are cutting spending, and then the government drastically cuts spending, who’s going to have any money? This debt mountain just got a whole lot bigger. Those guys are going to be down there for at least a decade.”

Asked for comment, the Chilean miners’ foreman Luis Urzua said that though his terrible ordeal and eventual salvation had restored his faith in both God and the human spirit, he didn’t really think the Irish could be saved. “I hate to say it, but I think it’s unlikely,” said Mr. Urzua, wiping tears from beneath his heavy sunglasses. “Down there in that mine, things were difficult for us. We were starving and thirsty for many days in total darkness. But we knew that our people were searching for us, that our leaders were willing to do whatever was necessary to bring us back to the light. We had strength, we had spirit, we wanted to fight, we wanted to fight for our families, and that was the greatest thing. What have the Irish got – Biffo?” Mr Urzua paused for a moment as the horrifying reality of that word sunk in. “I mean, it’s not like Enda Kenny or even Eamon Gilmore would be any better. If we had known such men were our leaders, then I’m not sure we could have kept going down there in the dark…”

Mr Urzua suddenly began shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. “God help them,” he muttered. “God help them.”

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