EU Regulators Astonished as Bankers Reveal Investment in Pluto

Dublin – To national dismay and international incredulity, the follies of the Celtic Tiger were revealed today to extend beyond the confines of our shores, and even our planet, as Irish lenders systematically invested in property development in the furthest reaches of our solar system.

The Irish taxpayer, for a mere €100 billion, now owns that little dot on the left.

The banks finally came clear on the investment this morning in a meeting with NAMA directors and the EU/IMF economic advisory team.

“We’d demanded they reveal, once and for all, the true extent of their losses,” said Franz Schwarzloch, senior economic advisor to the ECB. “And they were blarneying on as if they’d been licking the Bullshit Stone in Cork all night, when they suddenly mumbled something about ‘the Plutonian scheme.’”

“At first, I thought they must have said plutonium, and that they had been selling fissile material on the black market to terrorists and rogue dictators,” said Mr. Schwarzloch. “But, while that would have been illegal and immoral, it would also have been too profitable and logical a business venture for an Irish banker to get involved in.”

“Then I asked them to clarify it and they told me. And then they gave me some smelling salts and told me again. Finally they came to visit me in hospital and explained it a third time, after which the doctor said they weren’t allowed to visit any more.”

Ireland's reverence for the Bullshit Stone is seen by many as a key element in the collapse.

The former planet of Pluto, reclassified since 2006 as part of the Kuiper Belt rather than a member of the solar system, is home to a projected €100 billion in Irish real estate development, including a luxurious casino hotel resort, a convention centre, and the Bertie Bowl.

 “It’s like they just wanted to throw that money down a black hole,” added Schwarzloch despairingly.

According to the minutes of the meeting, a consortium of bankers and property developers had come together in 2004 to put together a secret plan to corner the real estate market on Pluto.

“Sure, it looked then like a secret gem,” said Sean Fitzgerald of Anglo Irish Bank, who was renowned in 2004 for his shrewd investment skills. “It had a great location right on the edge of the known universe with a mere 572-year commute to Dublin – Pluto was the new Leitrim.”

The consortium had already invested €75 billion when the International Astronomical Union (IAU) rezoned Pluto outside the solar system in August 2006, despite the persistent lobbying efforts of well-connected politicians.

“That rezoning of Pluto was one of the worst decisions the IAU ever made,” said then Taoiseach Bertie Ahern. “Pluto was a crucial part of the solar system’s economy; it had testicles everywhere, and when they burst loose they knocked off some of Neptune’s coons and blasted holes in the sphincter rings of Saturn.”

“And don’t even get me started on Uranus,” sighed Ahern.

"Sure, Pluto is even more attractive a location than Leitrim," protested a bewildered Sean Fitzpatrick.

Despite the intense lobbying of FF politicians, the IAU refused to rezone Pluto, causing land values to collapse in the Kuiper Belt. Fortunately for the consortium, the Irish government agreed to take over their troubled Plutonian asset, fully recompensed all members of the consortium, and is now trying to find a buyer.

Selling Pluto and the other NAMA assets is now crucial to Ireland’s economic survival. According to Colm McCarthy, “The [bailout] plan is viable if €100bn of the remaining loan assets can be sold at a small discount to book value. If the €100bn loan books fetch €90-€95bn, the resulting equity gap could possibly be made up within existing provisions. But if the discount is 30 per cent or 40 per cent, the resources are not within the financial resources of the Irish Government.”

“If we can’t find someone willing to shell out €90 billion for a piece of frozen rock in deep space, 478 trillion miles from civilisation, then we’re screwed.”

Liberals Vow to Fight Bush’s Democratic Wave in Middle East

Washington – In developments that have struck nausea and outrage into America’s liberals, the people of the Middle East are rising up to overthrow dictators and demand their democratic human rights, exactly as George Bush planned.

To the fury of American liberals, the Bush Push for Arab democracy is working.

In 2003, the liberal community mocked George Bush’s ‘Greater Middle East Initiative,’ which was a “forward strategy of freedom” that would bring “God’s gift of democracy” to the Arab world through a righteous war that would make Iraq a “beacon of freedom” in the Middle East.

“One cannot simply impose one’s own ethnocentric practices onto a different region,” said well-known liberal activist Prof. Gerald Jose-Nibombe-Kwang-Tatanka Huffington in 2003. “The war in Iraq is simply a machination of transnational capitalist interests launching a neo-colonial drive against the oppressed masses, on whose behalf I campaign so tirelessly.”

“This medieval ‘Greater Middle East Initiative’ is an embarrassment to our enlightened liberal values,” he added superciliously.

Now, in 2011, much to the gobsmacked disgust of Prof Huffington and liberal cosmopolitan elites everywhere, the Bush plan seems to be working.

After establishing democracy in Iraq, a democratic wave is sweeping the Middle East, with massive protests toppling dictators in Tunisia and Egypt, and now further pro-democracy demonstrations are erupting in Algeria, Yemen, Libya and Bahrein.

The cosmpolitan multi-ethnic liberal Prof. Huffington said he wanted to rip off Bush's nuts and shove them up his ass.

“But surely this has much more to do with Obama and his inspirational liberal visions!” spluttered Prof. Huffington. “That barbaric, ill-educated Texan yahoo had nothing to do with it!”

Sadly for Prof. Huffington, the historical record shows otherwise. In 2005, as part of the Greater Middle East Initiative, Bush’s Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said in a major policy speech in Cairo: “For 60 years, my country, the United States, pursued stability at the expense of democracy in this region, here in the Middle East, and we achieved neither. Now, we are taking a different course. We are supporting the democratic aspirations of all people. It is time to abandon the excuses that are made to avoid the hard work of democracy.”

In 2009, Obama did his level best to backtrack from this position and explain that the US had no intention of supporting democracy in the Middle East.

Said Obama: “I know there has been controversy about the promotion of democracy in recent years, and much of this controversy is connected to the war in Iraq. So let me be clear: no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other.”

Pro-democracy activists in the Middle East march under the banner of their hero, George Bush.

Fortunately for the people of Egypt, Obama’s craven liberal climbdown came too late to halt the ‘Bush Push’ for democracy.

“Why did American liberals think we would listen to some black Muslim? That’s exactly the kind of person who’s oppressing us,” said Rafina Larat (27), one of the pro-democracy protesters in Tahrir Square.

“What we needed was a big white American man wearing a Stetson hat, a real-life John Wayne ready to take his Winchester and bring Texas justice to the lawless and anti-democratic frontier.”

“George Bush WE LOVE YOU!” screamed Ms. Larat to cheers, before the crowd began waving posters of Bush and chanting “George Bush-u Akbar! George Bush-u Akbar!”

Seeing millions of democratic activists in the Middle East idolise their hero George Bush has sparked fury across the American liberal establishment.

American liberals fight pro-democracy activists in the Middle East.

“This outrage cannot be allowed to spread!” roared Prof. Huffington at a convention for literary academics and social scientists. “We must don our riot gear and immediately leave for these troubled dictatorships to help beat some sense into these protesting morons.”

“My fellow liberals, we must take up arms to fight democracy in the Middle East!”

The matter was then put to a vote, which unanimously called for a state-funded conference to discuss how best to uphold repressive Middle East dictatorships and thwart the evil plans of George Bush.

After 14 Years, Micheál Martin Finally Promises to Clean Out Garage

Cork – After fourteen years of sitting on his arse doing nothing about the mess he’s made in the garage, Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin today said that he was finally going to clean it out – much to the skepticism of his wife.

During his time in government, Mr. Martin and his gang of Fianna Fáilers have used the garage as a dumping ground for empty brown manila envelopes, Galway Races betting slips funded by property developers, golf scorecards with Seanie Fitzgerald’s signature, and even the decomposing remains of Bertie Ahern, Brian Cowen, and Mary Harney.

Micheal Martin reflects on the damage he and his Fianna Fail friends have done to the garage.

Now the neighbours have had enough of the foul rotting stench of decay arising from the garage and insist it be cleaned out.

Said Mr. Martin: “For the first time in an Irish neighbourhood the issue of garage reform is taking centre stage. Unfortunately too much of the debate is about gimmicks which will have little or no real impact. Only I, with the aid of my loyal Fianna Fáil cohorts, can truly clean give us the clean, neat, efficient garage we need for the 21^st century.”

Martin’s wife, Mary O’Shea, stubbed out her cigarette and disdainfully blew smoke into his face. “You’ve been throwing junk into that garage for the last 14 years!” she snapped irritably. “And your Fianna Fáil cohorts were the ones helping you do it. If ye hadn’t made such an arse of it in the first place, we wouldn’t have had to sell the car and there wouldn’t be rats eating the kids’ lunch.”

“It’s no wonder the neighbours are so pissed off at us,” she said, looking warily out the window at a bunch of protesters demanding that the Martins and their shady Fianna Fáil gangster friends be evicted.

“Perhaps we should ask that nice Enda Kenny for help, or maybe even Eamon Gilmore,” she said with a sigh. “Or even Gerry Adams, if we get totally fucking desperate – and we pretty much are.”

"How can you trust someone to clean up a mess if they don't know how to make one?" asked Martin with Cork logic.

Mr. Martin looked visibly shocked at the idea that anyone else would be allowed to clean up the garage he and his Fianna Fáil colleagues had had exclusive use of for over a decade.

“But over the last week a clear difference has emerged between Fianna Fáil and the other parties in relation to how we intend to clean to garage,” argued Martin, hurt. “Each of the other parties is proposing to leave our current system of garage government effectively unchanged.”

“In contrast, our proposals would involve a transformation of our garage.”

Mary O’Shea rolled her eyes and prayed for strength. “Yeah, your proposals for cleaning look garage look great,” she said sarcastically. “Now here’s a mop and bucket – why don’t you get started with it?”

Mr. Martin hastily backed away from the vicious instruments of proletarian rebellion. “Now, now, let’s not just rush in without thinking. Reforming our garage space is an important decision. We can’t just run in and start doing things.”

Striking the statesmanlike pose of a man handing a bowl of shamrocks to the US president, Martin explained how he would clean the garage.

"I'll get round to the garage in a minute!" procrastinated Martin, while his wife glared at him.

“We will have real reform of the garage and garage management only when we are willing to rethink key structures which have been in place for most of our history and let us be in charge of the garage. We will have real refom of the garage only when we are willing to move beyond gimmicks about numbers and costs and brown envelopes and dead bodies and implement measures to make garage management more representative and more expert and accountable and Fianna Fáil.”

His wife slammed down the mop and bucket in disgust. “You’re only fucking sayin’ that because you think they’re going to take it off you,” she said. “And they should, given the mess you made out the place. Now will you go out there and start fucking cleaning or not?”

Mr. Martin lifted his hands helplessly . “I’ll clean it when I have a mandate from the people to do so,” he said sincerely. “I promise I will, really. You can trust me.”

“I’m the only man who can reclaim the garage from hooligans like me and the other Yahoos in Fianna Fáil.”

John Banville’s Next Novel to be “Sexy Vampire Action Romance”

Dublin –If there is one thing I would not have expected Booker-prize winning Irish novelist John Banville to say during our interview, it’s that he intend to stop writing his uniquely lyrical and yet deeply cynical novels investigating the futility of human endeavours in favour of writing riotously sexy action vampire romances.

Banville said his public image as an intellectual distressed him greatly and was none of his doing.

And yet Banville (65), one of Ireland’s greatest living writers, declared his intention to radically change his aesthetic in response to changes in the national psyche.

“One morning, as the sun’s glair in the matudinal sky flared cruelly like the bonfire of all human vanities, a thought trembled fragilely among my stringy and vibrating synapses,” mused Banville as he leafed idly through the pages of Diderot’s 18^th century encyclopaedia.

“For decades now, the sight of pale melanochroids gliding imprintless over the concrete grass of Dublin’s cancerous streets has filled me with quiet despair. I have not been fooled by lustrous sheen of the Celtic Tiger’s fur – I have seen its bicuspids glittering in the dark and known that all was folly, that not just our dreams but our very selves were artifices designed to hide from us the knowledge of our inevitable and welcome failure.”

“But now the twilight world has swiftly followed noon’s brief zenith, I thought: ‘Fuck it, John, no one wants to hear about that shit. Write about something with gunfights and tits and teenage vampires and fart jokes. God knows, people could do with some light entertainment.’”

Following his Muse’s clear and strikingly crass voice, Banville has decided to stop writing artworks loved by the few and start writing pulp fiction for the many, who are so desperately in need of cheap escapism right now.

“My initial drafts looked something like this,” said Banville, allowing us the rare privilege of viewing the literary mind at work.

"The last thing Irish people need now is more elegiac and poignant stories of loss," said Banville.

A paragraph read: “Bella was so frightened she could barely see over her gigantically heaving bosom. ‘O Jedward,’ she gasped, turning to her cool, gentlemanly lovers, the vampire twin singing sensations. ‘How can you remain so calm, so manly, so rock hard in the face of these desperadoes with their guns?’ Jedward, their PVC outfits glittering in the sunlight, replied huskily, ‘Stay calm, sugartits. We’re gonna blow them away,’ before turning and farting insolently at their attackers.

Fantastic, I assured Banville, a guaranteed populist triumph.

“I thought so, too,” said Banville, snatching the pages away. “But then I pondered if perhaps my own voice might not be the perfect river for such narrative craft? Plot is mostly inconsequential to me; none of my best books had one. But perhaps this plebeian tale infused with my elegiac musings might bridge the Plutonian chasm between art and the public?”

Banville then showed me the latest drafts of his impending work, The Twilight Sea of the Jedward with the Dragon Tattoos. The earlier paragraph had now been transformed by the master’s idiosyncratic diction and poetic rhythms:

“The raven Bella, only dimly aware of the futility of hot-blooded animal desires in a coldly indifferent universe, was half-blinded by her own tumultuous mammaries. ‘O Jedward,’ she breathed with an air of faintly ludicrous mourning, half-conscious of the Socratic irony of speaking of deep matters of love while Death’s superficial grin drew near. ‘How can you remain so calm, so manly, so rock hard in the face of these desperadoes with their guns?’

"My new book will be much more accessible to air-headed teenage girl dimwits," said Banville.

The melanochroidal twins watched one of the desperadoes trip over a fallen branch and laughed in amazement at the richness of the world, which always has some comfort to offer. ‘Stay calm, sugartits. We’re gonna blow them away,’ they said, curiously feeling their own indifference to the raging gale of flatulence thundering vengefully through their tortuous bowels. As the storm erupted from the contracted sphincters, Jedward felt the faint touch of ridiculousness that always comes with having a body made of liquids and gases, even as the noxious fumes cleared a path to safety.’”

Incomparable, I gushed, a masterpiece to rival Kepler or The Book of Evidence. “This could mean your Nobel,” I said in awe.

“Perhaps,” nodded Banville gravely. “It’s certainly bad enough. But really, I just hope it’s truly awful enough for the public to love it and take their minds off the recession for a while.”

GAA Exorcises Demonic Foreign Influences from Croke Park

Dublin – In a brave but somewhat medieval effort to halt the encroachment of foreign control over Irish life, the great and holy of the GAA gathered last night at midnight in Croke Park to exorcise the demonic influence of foreign sports from the heart of Irish natural culture.

Croke Park, the fourth-largest stadium in Europe, has traditionally been reserved exclusively for Gaelic games, with absolutely no space at all for any of those English sports which are lamentably so popular with the youth.

Satan's soccer-playing minions openly desecrated the holy turf of Croker from 2007-2010.

However, from 2007-2010 the GAA – in a foolish fit of modernity – allowed rugby and soccer to be played in the spiritual cradle of Irishness and things have never been the same since.

“Yea, was it prophesied in 2007 that the introduction of foreign sports into the sacred lands of Ireland would lead to ruin,” said Big Dan Holohan (62), member of the Kilkenny county board and noted GAA hardliner.

“And that when foreign boots did kick unnaturally shaped balls on Ireland’s greenest field, the country would lose its sovereignty and once again become a vassal state.”

“And the people of Ireland would be cast down in darkness, and scattered to the four corners of the Earth, to scrape out a living as illegal construction workers and buskers.”

“Many were those who mocked us, and said we were an organisation living in the past,” said Holohan, looking around at the grave, silent faces. “Who’s living in the past now? Emigration in the hundreds of thousands, the land being ruled by foreigners – if we don’t fuckin’ do this we’ll have famine beatin’ down our doors by next winter!” he thundered.

As midnight struck, the GAA began the exorcism of Croke Park.

The Jeremiads of GAA hardliners in 2007 have proven eerily accurate.

“In nomine patris, de Valera, et Michael Collins,” intoned the Archbishop of Cashel gravely, holding a relic of the true cross over the faint outline of a soccer centre circle while stout GAA hardliners burned peat briquettes atop sharpened pitchforks.

“We invoke the name of our saviours Michael Davitt and the Lord Jesus Christ to cleanse this sacred Irish turf of the iniquitous influence of those damned abominations soccer and rugby.”

“I cast thee out, Satan and all his English sports!” roared the Archbishop suddenly as burning flames leapt to the sky amid ghostly shrieks from the lingering spirits of the English rugby team that lost 43-13 to Ireland at Croke Park.

“And the Devil’s fornicating French with you!” bellowed the Archbishop, lashing at the ghostly echo of Nicolas Anelka scoring a crucial goal against Ireland in the World Cup playoffs in Nov. 2009.

While the spirits howled blasphemously tuneful versions of God Save the Queen, grimly determined men led the heresiarchs Brian O’Driscoll and Robbie Keane onto the field to sacrifice them to the vengeful God of the Old Testament, who made a brief disappearance from Irish Catholicism but is now back with a bad headache and an almighty thirst for blood.

GAA hardliners gather to watch the heretics be consumed in righteous flame.

“Jesus, what the fuck are you doing?” stammered Robbie Keane in terror, as true believers doused him and O’Driscoll in holy petrol.

As the archbishop advanced with the Easter candle from Dublin Cathedral, O’Driscoll began to weep piteously. “I swear I’ll never do it again. I’ll never play foreign sports on the sacred turf of Croker. I repent, O Jesus, I repent!” he yelled.

But the GAA hardliners were immune to the Devil’s insidiously slithering lies and carried the ritual to its conclusion, consuming the unbelievers in the Lord’s righteous GAA flame.

And when the heresiarchs perished, so did the stadium become quiet, and was bathed in gentle moonlight from heaven.

“Well, it was a tough decision, but we had to do it,” said GAA moderate Dennis Fallon (47) as they filed out of the stadium. “Somebody has to do something to save this country, and have you looked at the shower of gobshites running in the election?”

“No,” he said, with a firm shake of the head, “the exorcism of Croke Park was our best bet to save Ireland.”

Drug Gangs Ask Government to Regulate Drug-Pushing Grannies

Dublin – As the recession hits, Ireland’s professional drug dealers have joined forces to call on the government to regulate the drug trade more strictly and prevent the streets being flooded with grandmothers dealing prescription drugs.

Mrs. Tuohy said she had no intention of stopping and the pigs could put that in their pipe and smoke it.

Recent police reports suggest that Dublin is experiencing a wave of amateur drug dealing, as pensioners facing reduced welfare and higher bills make ends meet by selling prescription drugs and, when possible, their own bodies.

“Sure, what harm?” cackled Mags Tuohy (76) as she hovered behind a bus stop in Ranelagh, casting furtive glances around at potential plain clothes police officers. “How else am I supposed to make ends meet? I’d go on the fuckin’ game as well, but it’s a real niche market at my age.”

“It’s the pigs, Granno, leg it!” shrieked her lookout, 12 year-old grandson Tommy, as a lone squad car pulled up. Mrs. Tuohy hobbled into a nearby church, tossed the Zopiclone in the baptismal font, and knelt down with all the other elderly female drug dealers pretending to say decades of the Rosary.

The sudden upsurge in elderly women selling drugs on Dublin’s once-mean streets has become a cause of great concern for local professionals.

“There was a time when dealing drugs meant that you were a qualified professional with certain well-regarded skills,” said Jimmy “The Penguin” Rabbitte as he and other leading drug dealers gathered outside Leinster House to lobby for stricter regulation.

“People who didn’t know about the trade knew better than to get involved. If they wanted something, they simply called the professionals. We maintained a strict watch on our own trade practices to ensure both healthy competition and a fair market share for all.”

Drug dealers and their employees gather to lobby the Dail for stricter regulation.

“But now we’re just totally overrun with pensioners flogging painkillers,” he said, gesturing helplessly at the city he once thought he knew. “The government has to do something about this growing problem.”

The Irish have long been known for their taste for alcohol, but during the boom years they branched out into a wide variety of recreational drugs, creating growth for entrepreneurial activities in the leisure market.

This market was previously well organised by a number of leading corporations, or ‘gangs’ as they are known in Dublin business parlance. However, the downturn in the Irish economy, coupled with the robust performance of the recreational drug market, has encouraged a flood of amateur speculation that is seriously damaging the competitiveness of established concerns.

“The growing number of amateur OAP drug pushers is causing a serious decline in the average quality of the Irish product,” said Mr. Rabbitte gravely.

Stillorgan wet T-shirt champion Paul Mulvey said he hated how people kept staring at his breasts.

“Some of these grandmothers have been selling hormone replacement therapy drugs to young boys on the street. Now we have so many teenage boys with breasts that Ladyboy Lovers magazine named Ireland second only to Thailand as the international destination of choice.”

“And the wet T-shirt contests in Stillorgan just can’t be good for regular tourism.”

Mr. Rabbitte and the other members of the drug-dealing lobby say that Ireland’s international drug dealing reputation is suffering with each day of government inaction.

“Reputation is everything on the international drug markets,” said Mr. Rabbitte knowledgeably. “People have to believe that you’re a serious business. Now that everyone thinks we’re just a bunch of penniless old women, we can’t get any credit or leeway off the international markets.”

The group is calling for the government to introduce a new drug-dealing license that certifies those legitimately allowed to sell hard drugs on the streets of the capital.“It’s the only way to restore faith in our national drug markets,” said Mr. Rabbitte.

The government, however, rejected calls for legislation and says it intends to stick by the free-market ideology that has powered Irish growth in the 21^st century.

Twittering Media Fascinated by Egyptian Tweets, Popular Uprising

New York – As angry and downtrodden Egyptians rise up against the dictatorial rule of Hosni Mubarak, sparking global discussion about social and political transformation in the Middle East, the titans of world media have concluded that, really, Twitter is just so awesome.

Only 20% of the Egyptian population may have access to the Internet, and hardly anyone now that Mubarak has shut down the Internet service providers, but that hasn’t stopped news networks recognising and praising the power of social media whenever they talk about Egypt.

Egyptian protesters said they were mystified by these bizarre questions from US news networks.

“The use of social media is the most fascinating aspect of this whole revolution,” declared Piers Morgan of CNN as thousands of protesters in Tahrir Square stood up for justice, human rights, and democracy. “I mean, where would these people be without Facebook and, in particular, Twitter?”

“Where would any of us be?” he asked. “Just the other night I tweeted my private list to see if anyone wanted to try out the new French restaurant on 42^nd street and in thirty minutes a group of us met up and had a lovely basil salmon terrine with an exquisite Chablis.”

“Egyptian and New Yorker alike are united by the global power of Twitter,” announced Morgan grandly.

In just a couple of years, Twitter has transformed the lives of leading media journalists and thus, by extension, the rest of humanity. Most leading journalists now operate a Twitter feed so that they can Twitter on in public throughout the day.

Thomas Friedman of the New York Times was quick to extol the power of social media to make the world more American. “The diffusion of Twitter, Facebook and texting finally gives them a voice to talk back to their leaders and directly to each other,” wrote Friedman.

"Just think how quickly they could have built those things using Twitter," said Friedman.

“Prior to these innovative American inventions, Egyptians were unable to talk to each other directly. They had to use a primitive sign language and sniff each others’ bottoms for recognition.”

“But now that they have social media, they seem to be rapidly developing the rudiments of American culture! I’ll bet pretty soon they won’t dislike Israel any more, and will enjoy a peaceful democratic non-Islamic lifestyle, with plenty of bacon.”

No one, however, eclipsed MSNBC in its in-depth analysis of social media in Egypt. (None of the following dialogue is invented – Ed.)

“Where would we be today, this week literally now, without this electronic communication in Egypt?” asked Lawrence O’Donnell of MSNBC to Chris Hughes, co-founder of Facebook, who was naturally on air to discuss the Egyptian crisis.

“Technology is a lifeblood of what’s going on here,” said Hughes. “I mean, we can even imagine here in America, if we didn‘t have cell phones, if we only had limited access to land lines, no Twitter, no Facebook, none of this stuff, we wouldn‘t know how to find a mass group of people in a small town or a city.”

As well as allowing people who live a stone’s throw from each other to communicate without throwing stones, Facebook also apparently maintains world peace.

"Facebook and Twitter are the uncovered breasts of Liberty leading the people," declared O'Donnell.

“I mean, it sounds to me, Chris—you‘ve thought about this more than the rest of us,” began O’Donnell, deferentially bowing to the Facebook co-founder’s knowledge of Egyptian politics, “that turning off the Internet could actually lead to more violence, because people could find themselves with less ability to organize peacefully and their actions would start to become more random.”

“Yeah, that’s absolutely true,” said Hughes, as the screen behind him showed thousands of people chanting in unison, being led by a man with a megaphone.

“Although somehow the French managed to have a revolution without Facebook or Twitter,” added O’Donnell, mystified.

As the protests continue, media networks have pledged that they will continue to follow events live on Facebook and Twitter, rather than go to Egypt and find out what’s going on.

FG Major Change from FF, says Enda Kenny

Secret FG Election HQ – Speaking by telephone from an anonymous location where he can be safely kept away from the media, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny today insisted that in the upcoming election Ireland could make no more radical change from FF than FG.

Kenny (left) said an FG-Labour alliance would radically change the Old Boys' Club of Irish politics.

A muffled voice reading from a pre-prepared script intoned: “The Irish people demand change. They are sick of the way FF has run this country as its own personal fiefdom since independence. In the 21^st century, we need a new kind of party, something radically different from FF – FG.”

Unlike other European countries with their left-right political party balance, Ireland is so Catholic its two major political parties are both centre-right, reflecting a traditionally reverential attitude to power even as it openly buggers our children’s arses.

Now FF has utterly gorged itself on national buggery, the nation is looking to FG, which currently leads the polls in the run-up to the election despite being led by the hapless Enda Kenny, the only political leader in the Western world dumb enough to have openly used the word ‘nigger’ as part of a joke while chatting with the press.

To make matters worse, the ‘nigger’ in question was the then recently assassinated Prime Minister of Congo Patrice Lumamba, thus making Kenny the only leader in the world dumb enough to dance on the grave of a martyr for democracy and human rights while calling him a ‘nigger.’

"Is that the nigger who got shot in the Congo?" asked Kenny curiously.

Such is the desperate state of Irish politics, however, that Kenny is now almost certain to become the next Taoiseach.

Asked if his impending election high office were not a sign of how broken and defeated Ireland was, Kenny shuffled his pre-written pages looking for something to say.

“There can be no greater change from FF than FG,” repeated Enda Kenny, re-reading bits of the script while he searched for a pre-set phrase. “We’re a different, more progressive letter of the alphabet. F stands for failure, farting, funerals, and all kinds of bad things while G stands for good, gold, goals, etc. It’s a whole different mindset.”

FG political minders raced around the pressroom in panic as it became obvious that Ireland’s impending political leader was now, horrifyingly, acting on his own initiative.

“We have plans, you know, big plans, smart plans,” wittered Kenny, continuing on like a man in a dream heading for the cliff but unable to stop. “We want a Dutch-style privately-funded health insurance system, while our likely coalition partners Labour want a publicly-funded system. Our smart plan is to not discuss this in front of voters and just come to some kind of half-assed compromise among ourselves.”

Many voters felt 'FU' was a much more apt acronym for an Irish political party.

“Then we’ll just present the voters with our totally fudged fait accompli and they can lump it. That’s how we’ll be different from FF.”

“And the people voting for Sinn Féin are just throwing their votes away. Sure, they’re only a bunch of knackers, lads!” exclaimed Kenny as FG went into full red-alert crisis mode.

“And this new FF front bench is only a bit of codology about diversity and youth and women’s empowerment. Sure, behind all those knickers are the same old FF pricks. And if you scratch the paint off their token nigger you’ll find he’s FF to the bone.”

“No,” said Kenny, sounding rather pleased with how well he’d survived this particular encounter with the media, “FG is yer only man if you want real change. Vote Enda Kenny for Taoiseach.”

“You know it’s the right choice.”

Gary Neville Announces Retirement From Being a Prick

Manchester – After 19 years of competing at the highest level, this week Gary Neville announced his intention to retire at the top as one of world football’s greatest pricks.

Speaking with MUTV, Neville said: “It’s been a rollercoaster ride with Manchester United and I’ve really enjoyed being the obnoxious face of the world’s most hated club.”

For years Neville has been the obnoxious face of the world's most hated club.

“But there comes a time when even the biggest prick has to admit that he is no longer up for it.”

“I’ve reached a point in my life when I simply want to entertain people and make them happy, as well as work for the common good of all humanity,” added Neville, with a warm smile radiating the milk of human kindness.

Neville has long been reviled by fans across England for not simply being a part of Alex Ferguson’s all-conquering Manchester United pricks but also rubbing it in directly in front of dejected fans’ faces.

In 2006, he famously celebrated a last-minute winning goal against Liverpool directly in front of the Liverpool fans, taunting them with insulting gestures and pelvic thrusts, the like of which had never been seen by Liverpool’s genteel fans before.

In Sep. 2009 he then repeated the trick when Michael Owen scored a last-minute winner against local rivals Manchester City, who were similarly shocked at such ungentlemanly sportsmanship.

Neville said that he now saw the error of his ways and was working to make amends for what he had done in the past.

Neville infamously celebrated being a giant prick directly in front of the Liverppol fans.

“Yes, well, in the heat of battle you’ll do almost anything to be a successful football prick,” admitted Neville regretfully. “But I’d particularly like to make it up to the Scousers.”

“Liverpool used to be a great football city,” said Neville with great sympathy. “But then it got overrun by towel-heads, Pakis, and Wogs, and we all know that they can’t play football for shit.”

“That’s why I’m setting up the Gary Neville Football Academy for White British Boys Only,” explained Neville, with his newfound spiritual calm and enlightened humanity. “I think it will help bring the community together against the world, just like Sir Alex did at Man Utd, which did wonders for our football.”

“All the Scousers have to do is sign up for the official Man Utd fan club, then we’ll give them free of charge a Man Utd shirt that they have to wear at the academy at all times, and we’ll teach them how to play football the Manchester United way,” said Neville, with the serene benevolence of one who is finally working for the good of his fellow man.

In keeping with his newfound image, Neville was quick to pay homage to all those who had helped him get where he is today.

“No young player who wants to be a world-class prick could have a better mentor than Sir Alex Ferguson,” averred Neville passionately. “I always thought I had a natural talent for it, but he showed me ways of being a prick I never dreamt of.”

"Gary has all the makings of a world-class manager prick," said Ferguson proudly.

“I’d really love to follow in his footsteps someday and manage the biggest group of pricks in the world.”

The media have been quick to praise Gary Neville, suddenly discovering that he was “the best English right-back in England for the past twenty years,” despite having given him 6/10 in every game he ever played.

“I never listened to anything they said when I was player, but now that they are delivering glowing eulogies, I can find it in my heart to graciously accept their honest and forthright opinions on my career,” said Neville, as he played with a small bird that had freely perched on his shoulder by clamping its head between his teeth and shoving lit matchsticks up its rectum.

“I’ll obviously miss being a prick to millions on the big stage,” said Neville, tossing the dead bird away. “But I think I might make a good coach in the future.”

New Irish Monopoly Board Includes Square for Government

Dublin – With great fanfare yesterday a new Irish version of the popular board game Monopoly was revealed, with an extra square added for the Irish government.

Said John Heasley (41), a spokesperson for Waddingtons: “We’re absolutely delighted to introduce this new element into our popular board game. We feel it will add greater excitement and also reflect more accurately the contemporary state of Irish society.”

The new Irish version of Monopoly will include a square for 'Buy Government' in the top left.

“Let’s face it – you can’t make half the money out of “Waterworks Utilities” as you can out of buying the government,” he added.

The new square sits at the corner previously occupied by “No Parking,” which players usually circled around for ages without being able to land on.

Those landing on “Buy Government” can now purchase government influence and see the value of their houses and rents increase.

“Yes, it’s a tremendous advantage to land on ‘Buy Government,’” agreed Heasley enthusiastically as he explained how this new square would change the dynamics of Irish monopoly.

“But what’s really innovative is that, unlike other squares that can only be owned by one player at a time, all of the players can buy the government and thus raise the rents on all of their houses.”

“It’s a win-win situation, except for the poor sap who has to pay the rent!” chortled Mr. Heasley.

Mr. Heasley explained that the ability of all players with sufficient cash to own a piece of the government was one of the new square’s ‘special properties’ that altered the natural workings of the Monopoly market.

Waddingtons said it planned to use this image for its new 'Buy Government' square.

“Traditionally, Monopoly was played on a level playing field and it was down to the individual player’s skill and luck,” said Mr. Heasley. “But ‘Buy Government’ adds a whole new element. Every time you land on the square, after the initial purchase of the government through campaign funds, you get to take a card from the ‘Government Chance’ deck.”

The ‘Government Chance’ deck includes such wildcards as: “A fortunate meeting at the Galway Races has seen your property rezoned and double its value,” or “A friend in high places has just gotten you planning permission. Add five houses and a hotel to all your properties.”

The new rules have also added a doomsday scenario into the game’s design.

“At some point, every player will own a piece of the government and get their share of government favours,” said Mr. Heasley. “If, or more likely when that happens, the number of houses and the size of rents on the board will explode to astronomical levels. Players will barely be able to move at all without paying a fortune.”

“At this point, all the players will try to sell their houses to the bank to raise money, but the bank won’t have sufficient cash for such outrageously overpriced properties.”

“This raises the possibility of everyone losing by all going bankrupt simultaneously.”

Some of Ireland's many homeless people enjoy a game of Irish monopoly.

In such a doomsday scenario, players can take a wildcard from the ‘Government Community Chest’ deck, which controls funds taken from the national community and can be distributed to the players.

The deck consists of cards like: “NAMA has bought out your properties at their full prices. You may buy them back in ten turns for one-fifth of the price,” or “A friendly golf game has led to a blanket guarantee of your debts. You can travel for free for ten turns.”

The winner is then the one who has landed on ‘Buy Government’ the most times and gotten the most ‘Government Chance’ and ‘Government Community Chest’ cards.

Parents were enthusiastic about the new rules. “I always felt that Monopoly was a great way for children – and even a few adults – to learn about the workings of the market,” said Gerard Hegarty (48) after buying the new game.

“But this new version will really teach our children what it’s like to do business in the Irish market.”

“The only thing I think they should add is an “Escape to Australia” square for those who are tired of the madness and want to go do something else.”