After Run of Defeats, Queen Commits to Beating Ireland at Hurling by 2025

Buckingham Palace, London – After watching Ireland successively humiliate England in cricket, racing, and rugby, the Queen called today for the people of England to devote all their energies to beating the Irish at hurling by 2025.

Queen Elizabeth II watches Ireland destroy England's Grand Slam hopes.

“Too long has one let the Irish taunt one at one’s own games,” declared the Queen with the thin-lipped bitterness of someone who lost a fair bit of her pension when the Irish swept the card on the opening day of Cheltenham.

“And it avails one nought to beat them in return, for they care not for the sports themselves. The gentle smack of leather on willow, the masterful riding of heaving stallions, the sweaty pursuit of oddly shaped balls – these simple yet beloved English pastimes are not valued by the Irish. They care only for the gloating when they win.”

“Paddy does love to have good old gloat,” added the Queen in a burning whisper as she replayed the final overs of Ireland’s famous defeat of the English cricket team in her mind.

“But one cannot have the posterior of one’s most royal sporting dignity so brazenly molested by a bunch of Micks, in full view of the world,” continued the Queen. “We must hit them where it hurts – in their sliotars.”

“I call on the people of England to devote all their energies to beating the Irish at hurling by 2025.”

A leather-clad Willow said she hoped the English found a new pastime soon.

News of the Queen’s speech at first raised mocking laughter across Ireland, swiftly followed by a deep sense of unease.

“Haahaha!” guffawed legendary hurling manager Ger Loughnane when he heard it. “Impossible! I’d love to see them try.”

“Although,” he added, scratching his head, “hurling hasn’t exactly had the best few years here. I mean, there’s only Kilkenny left in Leinster, the North may as well be playing tiddlywinks, and Connacht hasn’t got enough wood to make a single hurley.”

“And an awful lot of good young players have headed off to England because of the recession,” he added gloomily. “Jesus, you know, if they made all them English and set up a league for them, they wouldn’t be half bad.”

Loughnane shuddered involuntarily at the thought of the Queen hoisting the McCarthy Cup over Croke Park. “Ah, no, Ger, cop on, get a grip,” he muttered to himself. “Sure, it couldn’t really happen, could it?”

In a bid to forestall even the possibility that the English might put together a decent team and challenge for the All-Ireland championships, new Taoiseach Enda Kenny apologised to the English people for any recent upsets.

Kenny winked and said his discussions with the Queen on the hurling issue had been positive.

“We would, you know, like to say, cap in hand and hand on heart and heart in mouth, sure, that without eating our hats we’re sorry about batin’ ye out of shite recently in all sorts of sports,” said Kenny with his usual off-the-cuff mastery of the English language.

“I hope we can maintain our gentleman’s aggrievement that we only play the sports that matter to the English, and in which defeat doesn’t bother us at all.”

The Queen, however, was having none of Kenny’s confusing attempt to weasel Ireland out of its difficulties.

“Oh, it’s ON,” answered the Queen, glaring directly into the camera. “It’s on, bitches. You can’t go around trying to pretend that it’s not on, when it very much fucking is on.”

“IT’S ON!” repeated the Queen, before setting fire to a toy leprechaun’s crotch and clubbing it to death with the microphone.

Ireland's sliotars wait hopelessly for the English backlash.

Under the Queen’s direction, England has now organised Ireland’s ex-patriot hurlers into a nationwide league with a minimum wage of €50,000 for each player, a national academy of excellence for promising youngsters, and regular coverage on Sky.

A shellshocked Ger Loughnane reviewed England’s plans for hurling domination and acknowledged that Ireland couldn’t hope to compete with the English Premier Hurling League.

“That’s the bitch about being Irish,” said Loughnane bitterly. “Even the good stuff, like beating the English, rebounds to hit you right in the sliotars.”

Chelsea Players Can Still Shoot Accurately, Proves Ashley Cole in Typical Ashley Cole Fashion

London – There are footballers who talk a good game, and there are those who let their actions speak for themselves. English football specialises in producing the former – bullshit artists who can talk their way out of yet another miserable World Cup.

Ashley Cole is not one of those men.

Ashley Cole deepened his hate-loathe relationship with the world yesterday.

This week, Cole once again demonstrated his utter disregard for public opinion by making a public statement in the way only Ashley Cole can. With Chelsea under increasing pressure, Cole responded to criticism that Chelsea’s aging players can no longer shoot accurately by shooting a work placement student with an air rifle.

Said John Terry, Chelsea captain: “Well, that’s Ashley for you, you know, he’s a passionate guy who don’t give a toss. If he wants to say something – and he said he don’t have nothin’ to say to you shitheads – then he knows how to make himself heard.”

“I mean, would you really prefer it if Ashley came here in person to let you know what he thinks?” asked Terry, looking around at the assembled journalists inching closer to the exit in case Cole should decide to make an appearance. “You all know there’s nothing I like more than shagging the left-back’s wife, and Cheryl Cole was a real stunner, but I ain’t fuckin’ nuts.”

Cole has 87 caps for England, three Premier league titles, and a record 6 FA Cup winners’ medals. He is one of the only English players never to look outclassed on the world stage, having been England’s best player at many major tournaments.

Despite these handicaps, Cole has succeeded in his aim of becoming one of the most loathed and feared footballers of his generation.

Manager Carlo Ancelotti said that he was disappointed but not surprised by the shooting.

"Not with a ten-foot pole!" said John Terry emphatically.

“Ashley is his own man,” said the cosmopolitan Italian. “He is the only man I know who keeps an air rifle in his dressing room locker. He said he keeps it there just in case anyone got any funny ideas after that gay orgy story broke.”

“Nobody gets any funny ideas about Ashley in our dressing room,” said Ancelotti gravely.

Ancelotti was particularly put out by the idea that Alex Ferguson would not have tolerated such behaviour.

“It’s easy for Alex Ferguson!” exploded Ancelotti. “He only ever had to deal with pricks like Gary Neville, who was all talk. The problem with Ashley Cole is, he no talk. He just do it. He’s like a Nike ad made by Quentin Tarantino.”

Despite his personality and behaviour, Ashley Cole has oddly acquired a certain dignity in the context of English football. Irish sports journalist Dion Lynch spoke guardedly of his baffling respect for Cole.

“Most English footballers try to present two faces to the world; Cole has one face – the ugly face – and he refuses to hide it. You have to have some respect for a man not willing to hide the truth, which is why people hate him so much.”

“For example, he’s never apologised for his many affairs with women who weren’t as good looking as his wife,” said Lynch. “When Tiger Woods apologised for his affairs, it broke him as a sportsman, because he knew in his heart that he was no longer true to himself.”

Ashley Cole responds to an unwanted homosexual advance.

“Ashley Cole is always true to himself, which is why he’s such a great footballer and unabashed cunt.”

Lynch feels that insufficient attention is paid to the profundity of Cole’s philosophy of living.

“After the 2010 World Cup, when he publicly said: ‘I hate England and it’s fucking people,’ we knew it was inappropriate and wrong. But also right, in the sense that Cole was expressing a deeper truth, one we all at some level understood but could not articulate. How can England hope to win the World Cup, with such fucking people?”

“And then Cole proved it by being the only player to play well and still coming home the most despised. The English never understand football, because they are distracted by bullshit. Ashley Cole is never distracted by bullshit.”

“When that student had his hands up begging for mercy, he didn’t listen to any of his bullshit.”

“For a true professional like Cole, you don’t hesitate when you have the chance to shoot.”

True to form, Ashley Cole soon tweeted that Dion Lynch could go fuck himself, and the rest of Ireland with him.

GAA Exorcises Demonic Foreign Influences from Croke Park

Dublin – In a brave but somewhat medieval effort to halt the encroachment of foreign control over Irish life, the great and holy of the GAA gathered last night at midnight in Croke Park to exorcise the demonic influence of foreign sports from the heart of Irish natural culture.

Croke Park, the fourth-largest stadium in Europe, has traditionally been reserved exclusively for Gaelic games, with absolutely no space at all for any of those English sports which are lamentably so popular with the youth.

Satan's soccer-playing minions openly desecrated the holy turf of Croker from 2007-2010.

However, from 2007-2010 the GAA – in a foolish fit of modernity – allowed rugby and soccer to be played in the spiritual cradle of Irishness and things have never been the same since.

“Yea, was it prophesied in 2007 that the introduction of foreign sports into the sacred lands of Ireland would lead to ruin,” said Big Dan Holohan (62), member of the Kilkenny county board and noted GAA hardliner.

“And that when foreign boots did kick unnaturally shaped balls on Ireland’s greenest field, the country would lose its sovereignty and once again become a vassal state.”

“And the people of Ireland would be cast down in darkness, and scattered to the four corners of the Earth, to scrape out a living as illegal construction workers and buskers.”

“Many were those who mocked us, and said we were an organisation living in the past,” said Holohan, looking around at the grave, silent faces. “Who’s living in the past now? Emigration in the hundreds of thousands, the land being ruled by foreigners – if we don’t fuckin’ do this we’ll have famine beatin’ down our doors by next winter!” he thundered.

As midnight struck, the GAA began the exorcism of Croke Park.

The Jeremiads of GAA hardliners in 2007 have proven eerily accurate.

“In nomine patris, de Valera, et Michael Collins,” intoned the Archbishop of Cashel gravely, holding a relic of the true cross over the faint outline of a soccer centre circle while stout GAA hardliners burned peat briquettes atop sharpened pitchforks.

“We invoke the name of our saviours Michael Davitt and the Lord Jesus Christ to cleanse this sacred Irish turf of the iniquitous influence of those damned abominations soccer and rugby.”

“I cast thee out, Satan and all his English sports!” roared the Archbishop suddenly as burning flames leapt to the sky amid ghostly shrieks from the lingering spirits of the English rugby team that lost 43-13 to Ireland at Croke Park.

“And the Devil’s fornicating French with you!” bellowed the Archbishop, lashing at the ghostly echo of Nicolas Anelka scoring a crucial goal against Ireland in the World Cup playoffs in Nov. 2009.

While the spirits howled blasphemously tuneful versions of God Save the Queen, grimly determined men led the heresiarchs Brian O’Driscoll and Robbie Keane onto the field to sacrifice them to the vengeful God of the Old Testament, who made a brief disappearance from Irish Catholicism but is now back with a bad headache and an almighty thirst for blood.

GAA hardliners gather to watch the heretics be consumed in righteous flame.

“Jesus, what the fuck are you doing?” stammered Robbie Keane in terror, as true believers doused him and O’Driscoll in holy petrol.

As the archbishop advanced with the Easter candle from Dublin Cathedral, O’Driscoll began to weep piteously. “I swear I’ll never do it again. I’ll never play foreign sports on the sacred turf of Croker. I repent, O Jesus, I repent!” he yelled.

But the GAA hardliners were immune to the Devil’s insidiously slithering lies and carried the ritual to its conclusion, consuming the unbelievers in the Lord’s righteous GAA flame.

And when the heresiarchs perished, so did the stadium become quiet, and was bathed in gentle moonlight from heaven.

“Well, it was a tough decision, but we had to do it,” said GAA moderate Dennis Fallon (47) as they filed out of the stadium. “Somebody has to do something to save this country, and have you looked at the shower of gobshites running in the election?”

“No,” he said, with a firm shake of the head, “the exorcism of Croke Park was our best bet to save Ireland.”

Gary Neville Announces Retirement From Being a Prick

Manchester – After 19 years of competing at the highest level, this week Gary Neville announced his intention to retire at the top as one of world football’s greatest pricks.

Speaking with MUTV, Neville said: “It’s been a rollercoaster ride with Manchester United and I’ve really enjoyed being the obnoxious face of the world’s most hated club.”

For years Neville has been the obnoxious face of the world's most hated club.

“But there comes a time when even the biggest prick has to admit that he is no longer up for it.”

“I’ve reached a point in my life when I simply want to entertain people and make them happy, as well as work for the common good of all humanity,” added Neville, with a warm smile radiating the milk of human kindness.

Neville has long been reviled by fans across England for not simply being a part of Alex Ferguson’s all-conquering Manchester United pricks but also rubbing it in directly in front of dejected fans’ faces.

In 2006, he famously celebrated a last-minute winning goal against Liverpool directly in front of the Liverpool fans, taunting them with insulting gestures and pelvic thrusts, the like of which had never been seen by Liverpool’s genteel fans before.

In Sep. 2009 he then repeated the trick when Michael Owen scored a last-minute winner against local rivals Manchester City, who were similarly shocked at such ungentlemanly sportsmanship.

Neville said that he now saw the error of his ways and was working to make amends for what he had done in the past.

Neville infamously celebrated being a giant prick directly in front of the Liverppol fans.

“Yes, well, in the heat of battle you’ll do almost anything to be a successful football prick,” admitted Neville regretfully. “But I’d particularly like to make it up to the Scousers.”

“Liverpool used to be a great football city,” said Neville with great sympathy. “But then it got overrun by towel-heads, Pakis, and Wogs, and we all know that they can’t play football for shit.”

“That’s why I’m setting up the Gary Neville Football Academy for White British Boys Only,” explained Neville, with his newfound spiritual calm and enlightened humanity. “I think it will help bring the community together against the world, just like Sir Alex did at Man Utd, which did wonders for our football.”

“All the Scousers have to do is sign up for the official Man Utd fan club, then we’ll give them free of charge a Man Utd shirt that they have to wear at the academy at all times, and we’ll teach them how to play football the Manchester United way,” said Neville, with the serene benevolence of one who is finally working for the good of his fellow man.

In keeping with his newfound image, Neville was quick to pay homage to all those who had helped him get where he is today.

“No young player who wants to be a world-class prick could have a better mentor than Sir Alex Ferguson,” averred Neville passionately. “I always thought I had a natural talent for it, but he showed me ways of being a prick I never dreamt of.”

"Gary has all the makings of a world-class manager prick," said Ferguson proudly.

“I’d really love to follow in his footsteps someday and manage the biggest group of pricks in the world.”

The media have been quick to praise Gary Neville, suddenly discovering that he was “the best English right-back in England for the past twenty years,” despite having given him 6/10 in every game he ever played.

“I never listened to anything they said when I was player, but now that they are delivering glowing eulogies, I can find it in my heart to graciously accept their honest and forthright opinions on my career,” said Neville, as he played with a small bird that had freely perched on his shoulder by clamping its head between his teeth and shoving lit matchsticks up its rectum.

“I’ll obviously miss being a prick to millions on the big stage,” said Neville, tossing the dead bird away. “But I think I might make a good coach in the future.”

Tennis Photographers Groan as Maria Sharapova Exits Australian Open

Melbourne – To the bitterly disappointed groans of professional photographers, Maria Sharapova once again exited a major tournament before the quarterfinal stage yesterday at the Australian Open.

Photographers scramble for one last photo of Maria before she leaves Australia.

“It’s such a shame, really,” said Bryan Wilson (45), a career tennis photographer who follows the circuit photographing Sharapova’s slender legs and willowy body from a variety of angles. “I mean, I’m just such a big tennis fan and I think a player of Maria’s talent deserves to be in the big tournaments all the way to the end.”

“I really feel for her,” he added, rummaging in his pockets for a tissue.

Sharapova has previously won three Grand Slam events, but a shoulder injury in 2008 has seriously hampered her game, meaning that she now struggles to make it to the second week of any major tournament, much to the chagrin of press photographers who are such fans of her tennis technique.

“It’s just the quality of her groundstrokes,” said Shane Vickery (39), a professional tennis photographer for Sports Illustrated. “I am so impressed by the way she plants her long tanned legs in a wide open stance for extra power with her forehand. I just really want to capture that grace and athleticism for sports fans.”

Unfortunately, Sharapova's forehand technique also induces tendonitis in imitators.

“Studying her play has really helped me with my forehand as well,” he said, to general nods of agreement around the table that studying photos of Maria’s technique can really help one’s eye-hand coordination.

“What particularly impresses me is how deeply she bends over when preparing to return serve,” said Kenneth Algernott (61), the doyen of tennis photographers, while the others listened in respectful deference to his wisdom.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but for a tall girl Ms. Sharapova really does bend over most impressively when waiting for her opponent’s serve.”

“It’s a crucial element of one’s tennis technique,” he added by way of explanation. “From a lower perspective one can see right up the alley of the coming serve, observe the point where it comes together and see if there are any cracks in one’s opponent’s game.”

“And she does sway her buttocks from side to side quite impressively, too, to make sure her weight is evenly distributed. I’ve tried to capture this in my photographs, but I can never seem to get it right. Ah, well, I guess I’ll just have to keep trying,” he said with a heavy sigh.

Sharapova burst onto the scene at the tender age of 17 when she won the Wimbledon title in 2004. At the photographers’ table in the press lounge, many old hands warmed at the memory of the 17 year-old blonde bombshell in her tiny white miniskirt.

"This shot really captures Maria's incredible atheleticism," said Algernott appreciatively.

“Well, that was just an amazing two weeks,” said Rob Livery (36). “I’d only just started as a tennis photographer and was wondering how much of a career I could make out of it. Then Maria appeared, and I knew that I could make a really long career out of it.”

“I don’t know as much about tennis as Kenneth or some of the others here,” he said. “So I don’t mind saying that, what really struck me about Maria, was how different she was from the grumpy old lesbians who had previously dominated the sport.”

“She just had such a sunny personality! Her presence is just so infectiously uplifting. Certainly I always experience an uplift whenever I’m in her presence,” he said, looking around at the others who agreed unreservedly that Maria was a charming delight.

“I’ve really tried to capture that aspect of her in my photography, and I think now it comes out best in a full-frontal body shot with her miniskirt billowing around her hips like a flimsy piece of cloth that could simply fly away at any moment,” he said, reviewing some of his favourite pictures of her.

All agreed it was a shame Maria would not be around for the second week of the Open, then suddenly became emotional and dashed off to the toilets for some privacy and tissue paper.

Robbie Keane Stars in Segway’s “Nobody Wants It But Its Brilliant!” Campaign

London – It’s not all bad news for Robbie Keane this week as the want-away Spurs striker has at least found a plush advertising position as the new face of Segway, the motorised scooter that nobody wants even though its brilliant.

Said Keane, “I’m delighted to be associated with such an innovative, successful product and hope to be as good an ambassador for its as Jason McAteer was for Wash & Go.”

Robbie Keane said he was delighted to be working again.

“Making the ads should also help keep me busy over the next few months because I’ve got nothing else to do,” he added.

Robbie Keane is Ireland’s record goal scorer, has scored 121 goals in the Premier League over the course of his career, and only a few short years ago was a firm fan favourite at White Hart Lane.

However, Keane’s career began to go wrong after a disastrous 6-month spell at Liverpool, a club renowned as a place where things go badly wrong. Keane managed to escape back to Tottenham, but unfortunately he brought Liverpool’s luck with him and nothing much has gone right for him since.

Keane has fallen out of favour in recent times and now struggles to get picked as a steward for home games or as the reserve bus driver for away matches.

Keane’s attempts to get a transfer to another club have reportedly stalled as Birmingham City said Robbie was a good player, and an even better bus driver, but not worth the money.

Segway previously tried George W. Bush as a spokesman, but he just kept falling off the damn thing.

“That’s exactly what drew us to Robbie in the first place,” explained Segway’s UK marketing director Donald Suvari enthusiastically at a sparsely attended press conference. “We needed to relaunch the Segway as a brilliant, highly effective forward-thinking creative product that for some reason just hasn’t been able to make a home for itself in our fickle culture.”

“And we needed a face that encapsulated all that, someone who’s a bit down on his luck through no fault of his own. Well, not entirely his own fault,” he added after a moment’s reflection. “Someone whose face screams, ‘Hey, why not give me another chance?’”

The commercial features a despondent Robbie Keane sitting on the bench at Spurs, looking glumly at much faster, fitter players living the Premiership dream. “They said that my pace had gone, that I didn’t have the legs any more,” said Robbie dolefully in a voiceover. “They said I’d had my chance and hadn’t taken it.”

Then suddenly Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart goes down injured and a frustrated Harry Redknapp turns to the bench and picks out Keane, to an exciting upbeat in the music. “But sometimes when what you’ve got to offer is brilliant, you deserve a second chance,” continues the voiceover determinedly.

There then follows a thrilling sequence as Robbie Keane zips around the field on a Segway while the world’s best players futilely give chase. After winning the ball from Lionel Messi by running over his foot, Keane drives around Wayne Rooney at top speed before beating Nemanja Vidic in a race to the ball, running over Iker Casillas and driving the ball home into the net.

As the advertisement is screened at White Hart Lane, Keane enjoys a laugh from his usual position.

“Segway – Nobody Wants It But Its Brilliant!” screams the tagline as Keane and his Segway are carried from the field by his Spurs teammates to be given the Ballon d’Or and the World Cup.

Keane said that even though it was only thirty seconds long, it took an incredible amount of time to make the commercial.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard those things are to drive!” he joked. “I must have fallen off that wagon more times than Tony Adams. In the end, they just got a stuntman to do most of the driving and the rest is done by Bluescreen.”

Segway says it has stocked up on a million units to meet the coming demand. Keane also hopes that the campaign will put him back in the public eye and he might finally get a transfer to a club that will play him.

“I’ll even drive the bus if you let me play,” he pleaded. “I really don’t want to have to ride those things again.”

Emigration Hit GAA Clubs Turn to Alternative Genders, Species

Middleton, Cork – As the recession begins to bite with over 150,000 people expected to emigrate next year, local GAA clubs nationwide are facing a crisis as many of their best players head off to a better life in Canada, Australia, India, Iraq, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

Given the alarming shortage of fit young men aged 18-36, many clubs have been forced to turn to some rather unlikely GAA players to fill gaps in the ranks.

On the plus side, massive emigration is making gaelic games very popular in the Middle East.

“The GAA is a very forward thinking organisation,” said Chairman of the Cork County Board Frank Murphy as he hooked a cart up to his aging horse in order to go into town to buy some leeches for his sick wife. “We have always adapted and survived when battered by the winds of change and this current crisis will not find us wanting.”

“You need look no further than Middleton GAA to see the spirit I’m talking about.”

Middleton GAA club has been particularly hard hit in recent months, so much so that the club considered withdrawing from this year’s county championship.

However, at a tempestuous meeting, 8 year-old Gemma Hegarty said that if the ould lads of the village weren’t men enough to tog out and do it for the parish, then the schoolgirls would have to provide the balls needed to get to a county final.

The Middleton team accordingly features eight members of the all-conquering U-8 camogie team.

“Oh, Gemma’s our own Joan of Arc,” said manager Matty Stakelum proudly. “You should have seen her the other day against Ballyvourney. By God, don’t they have the same problems that we have – at least half their team signed up for the French Foreign Legion last month. So who did they have at full-forward only a donkey?”

Gemma Hegarty (back row, third from left) with the other seven girls on the Middleton senior hurling panel.

“Jaysus, when I saw that hoor galloping around I thought we were fucked rightly. With his pace and strength, sure, how could we hope to stop him?”

“But I sent Gemma back full-back to see what she could do, and didn’t she just climb onto his back and start ridin’ him? Then she galloped down the field like Alexander the fuckin’ Great and straight into the opposition goal.”

“Those pensioners in the Ballyvourney midfield just couldn’t keep up with her, even the one with the motorised wheelchair.”

Stakelum shook his head in amazement at the memory. “God, what I remember most about that day was her father standin’ on the sideline, roarin’ away, ‘Go on, Gemma, ride that bollix, ride him like the big fuckin’ Ballyvourney prick he is!’ That kind of close-knit family spirit is the real strength of Middleton GAA.”

Middleton has also been quite energetic in recruiting new players for its Gaelic football team.

“Yeah, we looked fair stuck, all right,” admitted Joe Walsh, manager of the senior football team. “I mean, to play football in a county championship you need big strong athletic lads, someone who can jump in the air and take a catch, then hold off the opposition tacklers long enough to get away a hand pass to a team mate.”

"They're harmless, really, but it's not a good idea to puck them in the ribs," said Stakelum.

“Then, didn’t I have the idea of borrowing a couple of orangutans from Fota Island? Jaysus, those things can jump like a frog getting’ a boot up the hole from a kangaroo. And you can teach them the basic rules of the game pretty quickly with the aid of a few bananas, which is more than you can say for some of the other lads.”

“Of course, there was that incident against Kilmacross,” he added, in the low tone reserved for whispered comments at a funeral. “In fairness, that Kilmacross lad shouldn’t have tried to elbow an orangutan in the ribs while the ref wasn’t looking, but there was no call for that kind of response.”

“And trying to hand pass yer man’s head to his wife afterwards was a bit too much, even by GAA standards.”

Despite some setbacks, Middleton GAA thinks the immediate future is bright. “The country is hard hit by the emigration of its young people, but as long as we have U-8 camogie girls and orangutans, the GAA will survive,” said Matty Stakelum.

“I just don’t know what we’re going when all the girls grow up and emigrate,” he added with a sigh.

Ipswich Players, Fans, Terrified by Sacking of Roy Keane

Ipswich – It has been a long, sleeplessness night for all those associated with Ipswich Town FC, knowing that somewhere out in the darkness the vengeful spirit of Roy Keane waits patiently to get his own back on those who have betrayed him and his footballing beliefs.

Roy Keane responds to news that he has been sacked.

The terror began yesterday morning when Ipswich Town chief executive Simon Clegg stammered his way hastily through a statement desperately attempting to mollify the impending wrath of Keane.

“I have to say this is a sad day for Ipswich Town FC and for me both on a personal and professional level” said Clegg, casting worried looks over his shoulder. “I would like to thank Roy Keane for his efforts, his dedication and his support and professionalism over the last 20 months and for the dignified way in which he has handled this difficult situation.”

Clegg then spoke the words the people of Ipswich had been dreading: “I can confirm that Ipswich Town FC have amicably terminated the contract of our manager Roy Keane with immediate effect.”

A BBC Suffolk reporter screamed in fright while a journalist for a local newspaper began giggling insanely and ran to hide in a corner. Even those with stouter hearts huddled together, looking apprehensively at the doors and windows for any sign of Keane’s baleful presence.

Clegg rushed through the rest of his speech as he pulled his coat on and got ready to make a run for it. “His reaction to the news is… one of disappointment and sadness, coupled with an acknowledgement of the opportunity he was given and support he has received and he has wished us the best and good luck,” he said, eyes wide with fear as cold beads of sweat broke out on his pale forehead.

Clegg then vomited out of sheer anxiety and led the crush for the door, while the journalist driven mad with fear cackled insanely and howled lunatic prophecies of doom over the trampled bodies of the fallen.

Keane continues to lurk in the darkness, striking fear in the heart of Suffolk.

The announcement sparked widespread panic across Suffolk.

“He’s out there, Jesus, he’s out there somewhere,” babbled Ipswich Town fan Jeremy Faltingham (32) as he peered out through the chink in his curtains and started in fear at the sight of the burning red brake lights of a car fleeing town and racing for the Channel Tunnel.

“You don’t know what he’s like. One day at the football I decided to buy myself a prawn sandwich at half time. I thought, ‘how would he know?’ Then as I was munching happily I looked down at the dugout and there he was, staring right at me with those eyes, picking me out of a crowd of 25,000 people.”

“I’ll bet he’s on his way here right now,” said Faltingham, his teeth chattering. “Let’s make a run for it, come on, wake the kids!” he shouted to his wife, Helen.

“Jeremy, stop and think about it,” replied Helen. “Don’t you see that’s just a rash and pointless act?”

“He’s Roy Keane, he’d track us down wherever we went,” she continued listlessly. “Let’s just turn the gas on, and spend some final time with the children.”

“The best we can offer them now is a peaceful death,” she added hopelessly.

Roy Keane notes the identity of another prawn sandwich eater.

Many Ipswich players have already reached the same decision. “I missed a great chance on goal against Nottingham Forest last Monday,” read the suicide note of Troy Brown. “Maybe if I had scored, things would have been different for Roy Keane. And he knows that.”

Brown committed suicide by roping his testicles to two drug-maddened stallions, which pulled him five miles across thistle-covered fields before galloping under the blades of a combine harvester, which chopped and mangled Brown’s body into an unrecognisable lump of twisted and bloodied flesh.

“Don’t cry for me; I have simply chosen a less painful way to go,” concluded the note.

The Suffolk police said they were powerless to stop Keane, but they would offer a quick and painless end to anyone who couldn’t take the strain any more.

Roy Hodgson Defends His Bureaucratic Record at Liverpool

Liverpool – The vultures may be circling over the head of beleaguered Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson, but the 63-year-old refused to go down without a fight as today he gave a sterling defence of his bureaucratic record.

Hodgson explains his new scouting report layout while the team waits impatiently for the ball.

In a press conference, Hodgson came out swinging against his critics: “Many of those who argued that I was the manager of the year in 2010 now say I should be sacked at the beginning of 2011; I think that fails to take into account how thoroughly I’ve streamlined the system of office purchases, how efficiently I dealt with the paperwork over Joe Cole’s transfer, and how proactive I’ve been in addressing the club’s lack of car parking space.”

“That last one was a real headache,” chuckled Hodgson as he took a careful sip from his slightly hot cup of tea.

Hodgson, manager of the year last season for making lowly Fulham seem like a genuine Premier League club, was given his last shot at the big time when he took over the Liverpool job from fan favourite Rafa Benitez. However, Liverpool FC has since had its worst start to a season for over 50 years.

The low point came with a home defeat on Dec. 29 against bottom club Wolves, who had the worst away record of all 92 teams in the English leagues. The Wolves fans taunted the Liverpool fans by singing: “How shit are you? We’re winning away!”

Roy Hodgson ponders an office dress code while Liverpool go 0-1 down to Wolves.

“The problem is that the press and the fans only care about the glamorous parts of football,” complained Hodgson. “It’s all about goals, results, points, league position, and trophies. They don’t realise there’s far more to football management than winning football games.”

“What about punctuality? What about a well-organised filing system for the club accounts? What about teacher evaluation in our football academy?” asked Hodgson, with a look on his face that said these were rhetorical questions to which no obvious answer could be given.

Hodgson was particularly harsh on his predecessor, Rafa Benitez, who famously won the Champions League with Liverpool in his first season and made them realistic title hopefuls despite the horrendous mismanagement of club owners Tom Hicks and George Gillette.

Roy Hodgson reminds Fernando Torres that punctuality is next to cleanliness in virtue.

“Everyone talks about what a good job Benitez did here, but they should have seen the chaos this place was in when I got here!” exclaimed Hodgson.

“I don’t wish to sound rude, but he kept the staples in his desk drawer and the paper clips with his secretary, even though his secretary was the only one in the office with a stapler,” said Hodgson, arching his undefined eyebrows.

“What would happen if he needed to file some papers in a hurry, as I had to do with the signing of Joe Cole? He’d have to get up and go out to his secretary’s desk to get either the stapler or a paper clip, and then go all the way back to his desk.”

“That’s just not proper management,” clucked Hodgson disapprovingly.

Hodgson was also critical of a number of staff Benitez had hired, saying that the tea lady wasn’t up to the standard of a Premier League club and his personal assistant was attractive to watch but not particularly good at managing an appointments schedule.

"Sure, but what about the staples, Rafa?" asked Hodgson sarcastically, before apologising for his outburst.

For some mysterious reason, however, Liverpool fans continue to prefer Benitez to Hodgson, to whom they have never extended a welcome. The first time the Kop chanted his name was during the home defeat to Wolves, when Liverpool supporters ironically chanted “Hodgson for England!”

Typically, Hodgson refused to take offence. “No, it would be a great honour for me to manage England,” said Hodgson, beaming like a church vicar invited to tea by the bishop. “The England job is primarily an administrative and PR post, and I think those are my real strengths as a manager. I’m delighted the fans believe in my abilities enough to back me for the job.”

“Another advantage is that the England manager doesn’t have to be around footballers all the time,” said Hodgson, cleaning his hands fussily with a disinfecting baby wipe. “I really don’t like footballers very much. They’re so aggressive and pushy and demanding.”

“They just don’t know the joy of quietly organising one’s stamp collection on a Sunday afternoon with a good cup of English tea,” he added.

Roman Abramovich Shocks Chelsea with New Sacking of Himself

London – In a shock announcement today, Chelsea FC’s billionaire owner Roman Abramovich yet again threw the club’s fortunes into turmoil with another capricious sacking, this time of himself.

An official club statement said, “We’d like to thank Roman for his efforts, but Mr. Abramovich feels this is the right time for the club to move forward without himself. We need a new man to realise his dream of winning the Champions League with Chelsea and if Roman isn’t the man to do it then Mr. Abramovich feels it’s better if Roman leaves.”

Roman Abramovich announced today that he was sacking himself with immediate effect.

The shock news comes after a turbulent time for Chelsea, who started the season in dominant fashion, surging into an early lead with some free-scoring football before Abramovich mysteriously sacked assistant manager Ray Wilkins on Nov. 11.

Since then, Chelsea have stumbled badly, losing three and drawing three in a poor run that has seen them slide from first to fifth in the table, putting Roman Abramovich under increasing pressure for his poor man-management and backroom team selections.

“It’s all about results,” said manager Carlo Ancelotti with the air of an experienced man in a hard business. “Mr. Abramovich pays us to win, and results just haven’t gone Roman’s way. He made a big call in sacking Ray Wilkins, thinking such a capricious act would terrify us all into doing better. As it turns out, it terrified us into playing badly.”

He gestured helplessly and heaved a heavy sigh. “C’est la vie,” he said. “Mr. Abramovich is a hard taskmaster.”

This isn’t the first time Roman Abramovich has made curious strategic decisions that cost Chelsea FC. In September 2007, he sacked Jose Mourinho, the successful Portuguese manager who had just led Chelsea to two Premiership titles. Mourinho then went on to achieve the treble at Inter Milan last season, knocking Chelsea out en route to the Champions League final, and currently manages Real Madrid, the world’s richest club.

“Yeah, sacking Jose Mourinho was another big mistake,” said John Terry, captain of Chelsea FC. “He is clearly the world’s best manager, and he showed that when he was here. I can’t understand why Roman sacked him, and it certainly had a big impact on our lack of success here afterwards.”

"Roman just shouted, 'Wilkins, you're sacked!' while we were 3-0 up," recalled an upset Ray Wilkins.

“To be honest, I thought Mr. Abramovich should have sacked Roman for that one,” confessed Terry.

Fellow billionaire club owners, however, were quick to criticise the decision. “There’s a culture of just getting rid of people after a few bad results,” said Tom Hicks, formerly of Liverpool.

“I mean, all I had was a few bad years back-to-back, but it takes time and borrowed money to build a winning club. What’s a chairman supposed to do if he can’t get free money from financial institutions? How can he possibly pretend to live up to the false promises he made when he bought the club?”

“But for the fans, a chairman is only as good as the results the manager he can’t support can get from the cheap players left after we’ve sold everything to pay off our colossal debts.”

Concluded Hicks, “Roman’s just a victim of the short-term culture of English football.”

Long time foe Jose Mourinho responds to the news that Abramovich has sacked himself from Chelsea.

Fans said that while they appreciated all Roman had done for the club, it was probably a good time for him to move on.

“He did wonders for us when he first came here,” said Roger Houghton (36), a merchant banker and long-time Chelsea supporter. “I mean, the money he spent bringing in quality players turned us from also-rans into champions. Those were great days, when we could win the Premiership the London way – we bought it.”

“Roman’s just not bringing that kind of spirit to Chelsea any more. We were very worried when he started talking about ‘cost-cutting’ and refused to splurge on new players. In the City, we know that you have to borrow huge sums of money and spend it in order to be successful. Once you start worrying about paying it back, you’re no longer cut out for London.”

“I think Abramovich made the right decision in letting Roman go.”