Butchers Worry as Dustin the Turkey Made Minister for Christmas Dinners

Dublin – Butchers, turkey farmers, and consumers across the country expressed concern yesterday at the news that the new coalition government has appointed Dustin the Turkey as the new head of the Ministry of Christmas Dinners.

Voters fear that the promised turkey cuts won't happen.

The Fine Gael-Labour coalition has recently caused public concern by appointing a Labour minister as head of public sector reform, even though Labour draws a majority of its political support from members of public sector unions.

Now, however, the coalition has gone one step forward by putting a well-known turkey in charge of the menu for the annual Christmas dinner.

Local butcher Mattie Connors (45) said this had worrying implications for Ireland’s turkey economy. “Christmas turkey sales are essential for small butchers, especially with the economy the way it is,” said Connors angrily. “If we don’t make cuts in those turkeys by Christmas, every small business in Ireland will be bankrupt.”

Turkey farmer Ger Laffey (38) said the situation was even worse than that. “Right now, thanks to the policy of Social Turkey Partnership, Ireland is awash in turkeys just gobbling down grain. If we don’t cut them and serve them up for Christmas dinner, this country will be awash with turkeys eating us out of house and home.”

“Something needs to be done, but I just feel Dustin may have a conflict of interests here that prevents him doing his job properly.”

Minister Dustin addressed concerns over the move in an interview with RTE news.

Flamboyant new Minister for Christmas Dinners, Dustin the Turkey, speaks to the press.

“I am delighted and honoured to be able to serve the country at this time of crisis,” said Dustin, beaming with pride at his new ministerial red box and driver. “We all know that these are hard times, that cuts must be made, and that some things must be sacrificed.”

“But I ask you, are turkeys the thing we must sacrifice? Do those cuts have to made in the giblets of our hard-working, underpaid, and under-appreciated turkeys?”

“We here at the Ministry of Christmas Dinners will be looking carefully at what exactly we can cut, without hurting turkeys too much.”

The Ministry of Christmas Dinners has been set up after a number of catastrophic Christmases in recent years, including the great storm of 2005 that brought down the electricity grid and the blizzards last year that trapped Santa at Dublin Airport.

Now that the country is virtually bankrupt after years of cosy clientelism between politicians, bankers, public sector unions, and property developers, fears are growing that the next few Christmases may not be all that merry either.

Coalition leaders Kenny and Gimore said they had full confidence in their ministerial turkeys.

Visiting members of the IMF have responded to the Christmas crisis by demanding that Ireland immediately make savage cuts in its turkeys in order to restore the festive spirit of Christmas.

Minister Dustin, however, said that the IMF and EU didn’t rule Ireland just yet. “We here in the Labour party feel there are many alternatives to cutting turkeys. Brussels could always loan us a few more sprouts; that’d surely tide everyone over for a few years.”

“And I hear the IMF has some good Indian. I think these are definitely options we need to explore before reaching for the cleaver.”

Consumers said they felt sorry for turkeys, but added they should at least have to cut back on the extra rations they had been given under the previous FF government in order to fatten them up for Christmas. Minister Dustin, however, said this wasn’t feasible.

Minister Dustin said the coalition would seek an increase in Brussel sprouts from the EU to feed the turkeys.

“You can’t ask a turkey that’s been stuffing its face on public grain to suddenly take a bit less,” argued Dustin. “It’s very bad for them. They’d feel hungry all the time and have to work a bit harder just to get something to eat.”

“You surely don’t want them to end up as ragged as the poor guys you see delivering the turkey grain, do you?” he asked with a rhetorical flourish.

Dejected voter and lover of Christmas turkey Gemma Barry (21) said that this election was the first time she had voted, and probably the last. “I thought voting might make a difference,” she said dolefully. “I thought we might be able to get rid of Brussel sprouts at Christmas dinners. Now it looks like we’ll be eating them for the foreseeable future.”

Asked if she expected Dustin to resign due to conflict of interests, Ms. Barry shrugged helplessly. “What would it matter?” she asked. “They’re all a bunch of turkeys.”

EU Regulators Astonished as Bankers Reveal Investment in Pluto

Dublin – To national dismay and international incredulity, the follies of the Celtic Tiger were revealed today to extend beyond the confines of our shores, and even our planet, as Irish lenders systematically invested in property development in the furthest reaches of our solar system.

The Irish taxpayer, for a mere €100 billion, now owns that little dot on the left.

The banks finally came clear on the investment this morning in a meeting with NAMA directors and the EU/IMF economic advisory team.

“We’d demanded they reveal, once and for all, the true extent of their losses,” said Franz Schwarzloch, senior economic advisor to the ECB. “And they were blarneying on as if they’d been licking the Bullshit Stone in Cork all night, when they suddenly mumbled something about ‘the Plutonian scheme.’”

“At first, I thought they must have said plutonium, and that they had been selling fissile material on the black market to terrorists and rogue dictators,” said Mr. Schwarzloch. “But, while that would have been illegal and immoral, it would also have been too profitable and logical a business venture for an Irish banker to get involved in.”

“Then I asked them to clarify it and they told me. And then they gave me some smelling salts and told me again. Finally they came to visit me in hospital and explained it a third time, after which the doctor said they weren’t allowed to visit any more.”

Ireland's reverence for the Bullshit Stone is seen by many as a key element in the collapse.

The former planet of Pluto, reclassified since 2006 as part of the Kuiper Belt rather than a member of the solar system, is home to a projected €100 billion in Irish real estate development, including a luxurious casino hotel resort, a convention centre, and the Bertie Bowl.

 “It’s like they just wanted to throw that money down a black hole,” added Schwarzloch despairingly.

According to the minutes of the meeting, a consortium of bankers and property developers had come together in 2004 to put together a secret plan to corner the real estate market on Pluto.

“Sure, it looked then like a secret gem,” said Sean Fitzgerald of Anglo Irish Bank, who was renowned in 2004 for his shrewd investment skills. “It had a great location right on the edge of the known universe with a mere 572-year commute to Dublin – Pluto was the new Leitrim.”

The consortium had already invested €75 billion when the International Astronomical Union (IAU) rezoned Pluto outside the solar system in August 2006, despite the persistent lobbying efforts of well-connected politicians.

“That rezoning of Pluto was one of the worst decisions the IAU ever made,” said then Taoiseach Bertie Ahern. “Pluto was a crucial part of the solar system’s economy; it had testicles everywhere, and when they burst loose they knocked off some of Neptune’s coons and blasted holes in the sphincter rings of Saturn.”

“And don’t even get me started on Uranus,” sighed Ahern.

"Sure, Pluto is even more attractive a location than Leitrim," protested a bewildered Sean Fitzpatrick.

Despite the intense lobbying of FF politicians, the IAU refused to rezone Pluto, causing land values to collapse in the Kuiper Belt. Fortunately for the consortium, the Irish government agreed to take over their troubled Plutonian asset, fully recompensed all members of the consortium, and is now trying to find a buyer.

Selling Pluto and the other NAMA assets is now crucial to Ireland’s economic survival. According to Colm McCarthy, “The [bailout] plan is viable if €100bn of the remaining loan assets can be sold at a small discount to book value. If the €100bn loan books fetch €90-€95bn, the resulting equity gap could possibly be made up within existing provisions. But if the discount is 30 per cent or 40 per cent, the resources are not within the financial resources of the Irish Government.”

“If we can’t find someone willing to shell out €90 billion for a piece of frozen rock in deep space, 478 trillion miles from civilisation, then we’re screwed.”

Drug Gangs Ask Government to Regulate Drug-Pushing Grannies

Dublin – As the recession hits, Ireland’s professional drug dealers have joined forces to call on the government to regulate the drug trade more strictly and prevent the streets being flooded with grandmothers dealing prescription drugs.

Mrs. Tuohy said she had no intention of stopping and the pigs could put that in their pipe and smoke it.

Recent police reports suggest that Dublin is experiencing a wave of amateur drug dealing, as pensioners facing reduced welfare and higher bills make ends meet by selling prescription drugs and, when possible, their own bodies.

“Sure, what harm?” cackled Mags Tuohy (76) as she hovered behind a bus stop in Ranelagh, casting furtive glances around at potential plain clothes police officers. “How else am I supposed to make ends meet? I’d go on the fuckin’ game as well, but it’s a real niche market at my age.”

“It’s the pigs, Granno, leg it!” shrieked her lookout, 12 year-old grandson Tommy, as a lone squad car pulled up. Mrs. Tuohy hobbled into a nearby church, tossed the Zopiclone in the baptismal font, and knelt down with all the other elderly female drug dealers pretending to say decades of the Rosary.

The sudden upsurge in elderly women selling drugs on Dublin’s once-mean streets has become a cause of great concern for local professionals.

“There was a time when dealing drugs meant that you were a qualified professional with certain well-regarded skills,” said Jimmy “The Penguin” Rabbitte as he and other leading drug dealers gathered outside Leinster House to lobby for stricter regulation.

“People who didn’t know about the trade knew better than to get involved. If they wanted something, they simply called the professionals. We maintained a strict watch on our own trade practices to ensure both healthy competition and a fair market share for all.”

Drug dealers and their employees gather to lobby the Dail for stricter regulation.

“But now we’re just totally overrun with pensioners flogging painkillers,” he said, gesturing helplessly at the city he once thought he knew. “The government has to do something about this growing problem.”

The Irish have long been known for their taste for alcohol, but during the boom years they branched out into a wide variety of recreational drugs, creating growth for entrepreneurial activities in the leisure market.

This market was previously well organised by a number of leading corporations, or ‘gangs’ as they are known in Dublin business parlance. However, the downturn in the Irish economy, coupled with the robust performance of the recreational drug market, has encouraged a flood of amateur speculation that is seriously damaging the competitiveness of established concerns.

“The growing number of amateur OAP drug pushers is causing a serious decline in the average quality of the Irish product,” said Mr. Rabbitte gravely.

Stillorgan wet T-shirt champion Paul Mulvey said he hated how people kept staring at his breasts.

“Some of these grandmothers have been selling hormone replacement therapy drugs to young boys on the street. Now we have so many teenage boys with breasts that Ladyboy Lovers magazine named Ireland second only to Thailand as the international destination of choice.”

“And the wet T-shirt contests in Stillorgan just can’t be good for regular tourism.”

Mr. Rabbitte and the other members of the drug-dealing lobby say that Ireland’s international drug dealing reputation is suffering with each day of government inaction.

“Reputation is everything on the international drug markets,” said Mr. Rabbitte knowledgeably. “People have to believe that you’re a serious business. Now that everyone thinks we’re just a bunch of penniless old women, we can’t get any credit or leeway off the international markets.”

The group is calling for the government to introduce a new drug-dealing license that certifies those legitimately allowed to sell hard drugs on the streets of the capital.“It’s the only way to restore faith in our national drug markets,” said Mr. Rabbitte.

The government, however, rejected calls for legislation and says it intends to stick by the free-market ideology that has powered Irish growth in the 21^st century.

Aer Lingus Rebrands Itself Aer CunniLingus as Staff Dispute Intensifies

Dublin – The recent Aer Lingus staff dispute over rosters has now intensified as CEO Christoph Müller announced a new plan to strategically rebrand the airline and compete successfully in the international market by changing its name to Aer CunniLingus.

Müller said the new brand name had already stimulated a desire to fly Aer Cunnilingus.

Announcing the intended brand change, Müller said: “Every company in the vorld must haff a key advantage over its competitors. Before today, Aer Lingus vas only associated with negatif images – Ireland, corruption, incompetence, und so weiter.”

“As a German und proud European, I vould like to show the Irish people how their European partners intend to help them through this crisis. Ve vill not destroy your heritage, but build on it and make it something better.”

“From Aer Lingus to Aer CunniLingus, with love from your European cousins,” concluded Müller proudly.

The new advertising campaign does not attempt to sell the traditional hackneyed images of Ireland. Instead, it is running two separate campaigns to stimulate both domestic and foreign demand.

The Irish advertisement shows clips of Brian Cowen, Bertie Ahern, Sean Fitzpatrick, David Drumm, Mary Harney, and Jedward before cutting to a shot of an airplane flying towards the blue horizon with the tagline – “Aer Cunnilingus – Escape from a land of world-class cunts.”

The international advertisement shows seductively smiling airhostesses in Aer CunniLingus’ new pink mini-skirt uniforms greeting beaming international businessmen, all excitedly waiting to board the plane. “Don’t lick your own lips in anticipation. Lick someone else’s – on Aer Cunnilingus,” says the tagline.

Many Aer (Cunni)Lingus staff immediately objected to this latest provocation from management.

Aer Lingus staff respond as they are told their new duties.

“I thought the rosters thing was bad,” said Noreen Varney (25), a slim attractive redhead with a look of utter disbelief in her eyes. “I mean, wanting us to work more flights for no more pay is a disgrace, but this is something…” Her voice trailed off as she searched for words to describe it.

“Yesterday on a flight to Düsseldorf I pushed the trolley down the aisle, asking people if they wanted something to eat, and a fat German businessmen with a huge handlebar moustache leered at me and said: ‘You bet, Liebling. Just hitch your skirt up and sit up on that trolley.’”

“The worst thing was that everyone else on the plane just took their cameras out.”

“There are red lines that I won’t allow them to cross – my red lace panty lines,” she said defiantly.

Not all staff agreed with Ms. Varney, however. “Jesus, I’ll work as much overtime as they want now!” guffawed Ellen Feeney (34), slumping exhaustedly on a sofa in the cabin crew lounge after another satisfying flight.

Ellen Feeney reflects on another satisfying day at work.

“God almighty, we flew an Italian rugby team from Rome to Dublin this evening – I sent a note to the pilot asking him to circle around until the fuel almost ran out.”

“To be honest, we could have crashed and I would barely have noticed,” she said, lighting up a cigarette with a blissful smile on her weary face.

Christoph Müller said he understood some of the staff concerns and was willing to change the new slogans back to just “Aer CunniLingus – Enjoy Your Flight,” but the name change and the pink miniskirts would stay.

“Ihre Fotzen gehört uns!” said Müller irritatedly. “Deutschland hat €85 Milliarde für die bezahlt und jetzt können wir mit ihre Fotzen wie wir wollen spielen!”

Looking at the row of blank faces on the Irish reporters in front of him, he sighed and scratched his head. “Look, if you want to understand what’s happening to the Irish economy, you’re just going to have to learn some German,” he said, and left the press conference to see if he could still catch a quickie to Cork.

Local ‘BusOrg’ Teacher Suffering Existential Crisis

Ennis – As Ireland’s economic crisis filters through to all levels of society, local secondary school Business Organisation teacher Janet Heffernan (31) says that the national economic crisis has become a personal existential crisis as she begins to doubt that her life has any purpose whatsoever.

BusOrg teacher Janet Heffernan comes to terms with the meaninglessness of her profession.

“I used to really enjoy teaching,” said Ms. Heffernan after her first class of the day, as she stood outside the school gates dragging deeply from a cigarette she’d confiscated from some students.

“Well, actually, I wouldn’t say enjoy – listening to schoolgirls jabber on about Jedward makes me want to give a thistle a blowjob – but I thought I was at least doing something worthwhile, you know, preparing airhead young twits for an active role in Ireland’s social life as entrepreneurs and business executives.”

“There just doesn’t seem to be any point to it any more,” she said with a sigh before taking a drink from her hip flask.

Ms. Heffernan used to spend hours thinking up innovative new class plans and student projects to help prepare her students at St. Mary’s understand the dynamics of business, but now realises that it’s all as pointless as winning a Fianna Fáil leadership contest.

“I spent hours walking them through the formation of corporations, designing a business strategy, management efficiency, labour laws, and all that bullshit,” said Ms. Heffernan.

“But this is Ireland, for fuck’s sake! What’s the point in filling their heads with such drivel? How will knowledge of best accountancy practices and corporate management structures help them here?”

In class with her Leaving Cert students, Miss Heffernan suddenly erupted out of her drunken stupor to explain the harsh realities.

"It's the logo we came up with for a new Irish business," said Heffernan.

“Oh, fuck what the fucking textbook says!” she snapped exasperatedly, throwing the book across the room.

“Look at people like Denis O’Brien, for fuck’s sake! How do you think he got the state to illegally grant his company a mobile phone license? Because of his superior business strategy plan? Like fuck, it was.”

“And just look at the fucking bank guarantee!” she exploded. “The Department of Finance even said in Feb. 2008: ‘As a matter of public policy to protect the interests of taxpayers any requirement to provide open-ended/legally binding State guarantees which would expose the Exchequer to the risk of very significant costs are not regarded as part of the toolkit for successful crisis management and resolution.’”

“Did that stop them doing it? No! And do you know why?”

She stubbed her cigarette out in her whisky glass and then gulped the lot down.

“Go ‘way and practice your short game down at the fucking pitch and putt,” she said. “Go on, stop reading this bullshit in your textbooks. Go fucking practice your golf.”

“There’s an election coming up,” she said. “If you want to learn about successful business strategy in Ireland, then let’s raise some money by whoring our arses around Europe. Then we’ll ‘donate’ the profits to the major political parties.”

“That way whichever prick gets in, we’ll have his balls in our handbags.”

Students said practicing Paris Hilton poses on their desks was the most useful thing they learned in school.

Flinging away a used-up lighter in disgust, she said, “Ah what’s the use? We’re all women – we’ll never be let into the Old Boy’s Club anyway.”

She slumped despondently onto the floor beside the radiator and glowered up at the students, who were busily noting down the first useful pieces of adult advice to ever come their way.

“Ye’re best hope is to get on a reality TV show in England and become celebrities,” she said, to more frantic scribbling. “Here, take these scissors and cut about 5 inches of those skirts.”

“For yer homework I want you to write a summary of yer one-night stands with Cristiano Ronaldo.”

“Then tomorrow we’ll practice how to get your tits out for the cameras,” she concluded, before passing out under her desk.

Non-Golfing Bank Executives Fear System Handicaps Their Greed

Druid’s Glen – In a tree overlooking Druid’s Glen, the 5-star hotel and golf course so beloved of Ireland’s aristocracy, sits Jason Gilfoyle (33) with a pair of high-powered binoculars and a notepad.

But Mr. Gilfoyle is not engaged in ornithology, or any traditional leisure pursuit that involves a man climbing a tree and sitting in it with some binoculars. Instead, Mr. Gilfoyle is part of a growing number of bank executives who feel they are being left out of the loop by their inability to whack little white balls firmly with a variety of sticks.

Gilfoyle watches carefully as Brian Lenihan and David Drumm approach the 15th green.

“I used to have a reputation as a real ball-breaker,” said Gilfoyle as he scanned the 13^th fairway. “I was someone everyone picked to go right to the top. But then they asked me to have a round of golf with them and it all started to go wrong.”

Gilfoyle spat bitterly at a startled pigeon in the branch below him. “By the time I made a 72 on the first hole, my career was already over.”

Gilfoyle is one of many executives who spend their weekends crouched among the branches of Druid’s Glen, spying voyeuristically on the naked dealings of power.

“We’re all here,” said Gilfoyle. “James Hogarth from AIB’s in that beech over there, and Harry Walsh from BoI is in the oak. Sheila Fennessy from Permanent TSB used to be in that pine tree, but the needles kept ripping her tights to shreds. But we’re all out here because everyone knows the real deals are done on the golf course.”

This feeling has been confirmed recently with news of how executives of Anglo Irish Bank avoided personal bankruptcy by sticking the Irish taxpayer with the bill for their failures after a golf match with Taoiseach Brian Cowen at Druid’s Glen.

Cowen prepares to whack the balls off Ireland during the now infamous golf game.

“That’s the kind of deal that really makes a name for you as an executive,” said Gilfoyle despairingly. “I mean, Seanie Fitzgerald and Fintan Drury and Gary McGann and the lads, they pissed their money away like a bunch of drunks against a wall after a wedding.”

“And there’s no way they’d ever have gotten that back off the markets – Anglo’s share price had utterly collapsed by June 2008 because anyone with half a brain could see that it owed more than it could possibly pay back. That’s why they had to go to the politicians.”

It has recently emerged that Fitzgerald, Drury, and McGann played golf with Taoiseach Brian Cowen in June 2008, three months before Cowen issued the blanket bank guarantee which saddled the Irish taxpayer with the bank’s debts, thereby bankrupting the nation. All four men insist that they only talked about the new pin position on the 4^th hole, Tiger Woods’ struggle for form, and how little reason their was to say anything at all about the impending collapse of Anglo Irish Bank.

“Yeah, well, it’s the classic Fianna Fáil pattern of denying it, then admitting it but denying it has any importance,” said Gilfoyle. “No one ever believes them, but no one ever gets arrested and no one ever has to pay the money back.”

“But we have the evidence in their own words. Seanie Fitzgerald himself said about investment advice that “for the Real McCoy you can’t beat the 19^th hole on the golf course.’”

“I just have to find a way to break into that circle!” said Gilfoyle, punching his knee in frustration.

Fitzgerald and David Drumm share a laugh at their 'gimme' on the 19th hole in June 2008.

Cowen has repeatedly denied any wrongdoing, saying, “I want to take this opportunity to utterly refute any suggestions of impropriety on my part. There’s nothing more natural than that the Taoiseach should take a full weekday day off to play golf with a few wealthy businessmen in need of a really big favour.”

According to Gilfoyle, this is how it goes when you get to the top.

“You have to slave away when you’re mid-level, but once you get to the top you can do whatever you feel like,” he said enviously. “I mean, you can lose billions on the stock market and still give yourself a million-euro bonus. You can take off any day you want to play golf or go to the Galway Races. You take all the cash, while someone else does all the work.”

“That’s where I want to be, but I can’t make it unless I learn how to hit the right balls in the right places.”

Enterprise Ireland Invests Remaining Cash in Video Rental Industry

Dublin – Only the most desperate gambler takes a punt on green at the roulette table.

But it seems that is where we are at, as today Enterprise Ireland announced that it would be backing green by sinking all of its remaining funds into an Irish video rental business.

"Our new video rental chain already looks like a winner," said Hayes approvingly.

“After many months of exhaustive research, we at Enterprise Ireland have decided to go all in with Ireland’s most promising new business venture,” said Gráinne Hayes (47), the head of Enterprise Ireland. “We have surveyed the field of proposals, done research into market position, potential for growth, and market demand and decided that a new video rental chain is the best hope for indigenous Irish industry.”

“Now that industry giants Blockbuster have gone bankrupt, there’s even more potential in this market than ever!” she added optimistically. “People love watching movies, and without a video rental chain how will they see them?”

“It’s not like they can just watch them for free somehow.”

Asked why she thought Blockbuster had filed for bankruptcy, Ms. Hayes replied dismissively: “Who knows? But their difficulty is our opportunity.”

“Rest assured,” she said confidently. “We at Enterprise Ireland are committed to getting value for the public’s money! We have here a team of Ireland’s sharpest minds in market research, product development, and advertising.”

“Investing in video rental is a key element of our strategy for a smart economy.”

Enterprise Ireland's logo literally smirks, gives Ireland the finger.

As a government-backed organisation dedicated to engorging itself at the expense of workers who actually produce something, Enterprise Ireland has long been a symbol of the Celtic Tiger.

In 2008, Enterprise Ireland spent two-thirds of its budget on itself, and only one-third on investing in Irish businesses. Out of a total budget of €160 million devoted to developing Irish industry, €100 million went on salaries and bonuses for the staff of Enterprise Ireland.

“That expenditure is completely justified!” snapped Ms. Hayes in response to queries. “We used it to create jobs – our jobs. And we often went abroad to spend the taxpayers’ money on research trips, thereby spreading the idea through our presence that Ireland was a wealthy, modern country. €100 million well spent, if you ask me.”

Asked to explain what she meant by ‘smart’ economy, Ms. Hayes began brightly and then had curious difficulty finding synonyms.

“By ‘smart’ economy, we mean one where the money is targeted, rather than squandered, especially on inefficient government organisations,” she said. “By ‘smart,’ we mean an economy where investment is, you know, smart.”

“Not that we invested stupidly before,” she added hastily, looking around for a thesaurus. “But, you know, by ‘smart’ we mean that we would think more before we invested €50 million of the taxpayers’ money into some magic beans. We would be smarter about things. You know – smart.”

Enterprise Ireland executives wonder what that thing is.

“That’s partly why we have to spend €100 million every year on ourselves. It makes us smarter.”

“There’s no point in just giving that money to Irish entrepreneurs,” she said. “We don’t know if they’re smart or not. That’s why we have to keep it for ourselves. We know we’re smart.”

“After all,” she added smugly, “We pay ourselves €100 million a year of your money, thereby absorbing for ourselves the venture capital that might otherwise go the entrepreneurs we don’t give it to.”

“I’d say that’s pretty smart.”

Enterprise Ireland also announced bold new expansion plans for itself, which meant there would be no more grants to entrepreneurs over the next five years.

Irish Farmers’ Party Demands Independence from EU, Higher Subsidies

Nenagh, Tipperary – The newly formed Irish Farmers’ Party held its AGM in Nenagh yesterday, launching a populist programme that calls for Ireland to reclaim its independence from the EU and IMF, and higher subsidies.

Gerard Moynihan (55), chairman of the executive committee, said, “Ireland fought long and hard for independence and particularly those of us in the countryside who did most of the fighting, unlike those townies who just did all the jawing with the English afterwards.”

The 1st Armoured Tractor Division prepares to drive out the EU, once it saves family farms.

“That’s why it pains us greatly to see Ireland now relying completely on the mercy of foreign handouts. We propose that Ireland split with the EU, boot out the IMF, and reclaim the independent Ireland of Collins and de Valera!” he cried, to roars of approval.

“We would also like to campaign for higher EU subsidies for farmers to help us through the economic crisis,” he added briskly, to general nods of assent that this demand was taken as read and required no discussion.

Irish farmers have benefited greatly from cash payments under the Common Agricultural Policy (CAP), a mechanism by which French farmers can threaten the French government with complete anarchy unless it screws money out of the rest of Europe.

The threat of militant French farmers yet again stampeding cattle through the EU parliament in Strasbourg has had tremendous knock-on benefits for the Irish farming community. In 2008, official figures showed that subsidies were responsible for 71% of farm profits in Ireland and that in the midlands subsidies accounted for 105.4% of profits, which is mathematically impossible.

“Many farmers in the midlands actually operate at a loss,” explained an anonymous Department of Agriculture official. “But we top them up so they break even.”

"Actually, EU milk policy is our income, but we're still going to stampede cattle through the parliament," said Mr. Moynihan.

“Then we put a big fat cherry on top of that top up so they’re actually quite well off,” he added.

“That’s just plain business sense!” objected Mr. Moynihan brusquely when confronted with the figures. “If I’m going to run a dairy farm and produce milk and butter no one wants to buy, then the EU has to pay me to stop. Otherwise all those dairy products would just go to waste, and where’s the sense in that?”

“Now I can use the subsidies to buy more land to help me produce less milk and butter, thereby raising my profit margin as subsidies are measured per acre. And if the farmers of Ireland are increasing their profits, surely this is good news for the rest of the country?”

“Some of those spongers living off the dole could go out and get some of the jobs we’re creating through our hard work,” he added self-righteously.

The Irish Farmers’ Party criticised the Irish government for not paying attention to sound economic fundamentals during the boom, thus leaving the country hopelessly exposed to the global recession.

“All those bankers and property developers got totally carried away by the flood of cheap money,” declared Mr. Moynihan. “And all those lads in Dublin were off living way beyond their means. You have to pay attention to the basics and make sure you have more money coming in than going out.”

"If any of them show up looking for that €85 billion, Sheila will give them what for," said Moynihan proudly.

“Otherwise you’ll end up owing everything you own to the EU, and without them you’d be penniless. Sure, at that point, you may as well give up calling yourself a sovereign republic. The Irish Farmers’ Party is dedicated to restoring Ireland’s sovereignty through sound fiscal policies.”

When pressed to explain what these policies were, Mr. Moynihan said simply, “We just won’t pay the €85 billion back. Why should we? We’ve been getting subsidy cheques from them for years and we’ve never paid any of them back.”

“If they want their money back, just let them try and come and get it!” he shouted defiantly, brandishing a pitchfork with the psychotic glare of a French farmer charging down the Champs Elysées towards a squad of riot police.

Lehman Brothers Apologises to Bertie Ahern

New York – Since the financial crisis revealed the shocking extent of moral and fiscal bankruptcy in both Irish banking and politics, former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has consistently blamed the collapse of Lehman Brothers for all of Ireland’s problems, much to the country’s derision.

Ahern celebrates his vindication after hearing of the Lehman Brothers' apology.

Today, however, the Ahern version of events received support from an unexpected quarter as Lehman Brothers issued an official apology to Mr. Ahern for the damage it caused his reputation.

“For a long time we tried to deny the truth,” said a lawyer reading a statement for the now-defunct investment bank. “But it’s time to face reality and acknowledge our own mistakes and how those mistakes have hurt ordinary people.”

“Bertie Ahern was right when he said: ‘That decision will in history be written as the biggest mistake that American administration ever made, because Lehmans was a world investment bank. They had testicles everywhere.’ We did have testicles everywhere, and one of them has unfortunately lodged itself in Mr. Ahern’s reputation and legacy.”

“Mr. Ahern was one of the greatest political leaders in Irish history and now his reputation lies in ruins because of our selfish, short-sighted actions,” continued the statement. “A man who should have lived the rest of his days as honorary father of the nation is now one of the most derided and reviled figures in Ireland, and for that we must take responsibility.”

“Bertie,” said the lawyer representing Lehman Brothers, his voice suddenly breaking under the weight of emotional poignancy, “we’re sorry.”

"Lehman's all-American testicles were everywhere and everyone wanted one," claimed Ahern.

In September 2008, as the scale of the sub-prime mortgage crisis in the US was becoming apparent, Lehman Brothers was forced to declare bankruptcy, thereby precipitating the Great Recession. As shockwaves rippled across the globe, it turned out that virtually all Irish banks had been loaning out billions so property developers could build McMansions in Leitrim for the imminent deluge of multimillionaires wanting to live in remote parts of Ireland.

The shocking news that Leitrim would not become the new Monaco, despite the best efforts of the Ahern government, led to the collapse of the Irish economy, forcing it to declare bankruptcy and accept an IMF bailout in 2010.

A former partner for Lehman Brothers said: “I know we caused an incredible amount of hardship around the world, but it really only hits home when you see what it did to poor people like Bertie Ahern.”

“Some people have been blaming him for corruption, incompetence, and outrageous fiscal profligacy. Even his most innocent actions are now under suspicion.”

"Leitrim could still be the new Monaco - you just have to use your imagination a little," insisted Ahern.

“People don’t believe him when he said he won those undocumented campaign funds by betting on a horse – some people even outrageously suggested there was a culture of politicians taking bribes from property developers and bankers in exchange for beneficial regulations.”

“At Lehman Brothers, it hurts us every day to see such false accusations.”

“And then there were the accusations of how he wasted the taxpayers’ money,” continued the senior partner, shaking his head sadly. “It’s true that Bertie voted himself a higher salary than either the American president or the German Chancellor, but look what a good job he was doing!”

“And they accuse him of giving pay raises the country couldn’t afford to influential public sector unions, but lavishly rewarding employees is something we always do in investment banking and it hasn’t done us any harm.”

"I'd confess to the JFK assassination if she asked me to," said the senior partner achingly.

“But most painful of all was when Bertie seemed to accept the idea in an interview with a Polish newspaper that he was responsible, in some small way, for Ireland’s financial crisis,” said the anonymous senior partner. “But Bertie reassured us that he was just trying to seem sympathetic in order to get up the skirt of Zuzanna Reda, the hot Polish girl doing the interview.”

“You know how those Polish girls are!” said the former investment banker with a huge grin. “Man, with their smouldering eyes and open low-cut blouses, they could charm a sincere apology out of George Bush for the Iraq War.”

Bertie Ahern said he felt vindicated by Lehman Brothers’ belated apology. “For a long time the Irish people have tried to deny the truth,” said Mr. Ahern. “But it’s time to face reality and acknowledge your mistakes and how those mistakes have hurt ordinary people, like me.”

Added Mr. Ahern, “I did nothing but good, you shower of ingrates.”

Markets Snort Coke, Confuse Iceland and Ireland

Manhattan – For at least two years now Irish government policy has been dictated by the demands of international bond markets, with the government justifying each new cut in government expenditure as “necessary to appease the markets.”

But who exactly are these international bond markets? Our reporter spent a day following one of them to understand the world of international bond trading.

DeQuincey said Patrick Bateman was a great role model.

“We’re the people who make the world turn,” said Kelvin DeQuincey (28), a senior trader on Wall Street as he marched briskly over a dying homeless man. “You want to know who runs the world? You come to our door. Governments, big business, global financiers – they would all suck my dick if I promised to read their requests while they did it,” he said, striding to his 57^th floor office opposite the New York Stock Exchange.

Mr. DeQuincey is a graduate from Harvard Business School who began working on the international bond markets four years ago and rapidly became a senior trader, due to the consistently high turnover of burned-out assholes.

“A lot of these guys just burn out in a couple of years and have to retire with a few measly million,” said DeQuincey, curling his lip in cold disdain. “I’m still at the top because I know how to pace myself, how to ration my energies. I think I could still be here at 30, if I stay in the same great physical shape.”

Mr DeQuincey disappeared into the executive washroom for a minute and came out looking unusually pumped for action. “Whoo!” he shouted upon emerging, shaking his head. “Let’s make some fucking green!” He then enthusiastically punched his secretary and briefly fondled the buttocks of a deliveryman standing by her desk.

Mr. De Quincey then showed us his trading desk, the place where decisions affecting hundreds of millions of people are made on an hourly basis.

"Iceland, Ireland, man, they're just like two identical money breasts," said DeQuincey.

“Anyone see that Iceland, Ireland, report anywhere?” he bellowed, enraged by the untidiness of a desk covered in open Playboy magazines. “Whoo! Look at the bazookas on her!” he shouted suddenly, holding up a centrefold to the rest of his team, who howled like famished wolves in response.

“OK, there’s some kind of deal going down with some Mickey-Mouse bunch of European pansies,” he explained, sweeping all of the porn and other documents off his desk in one violent movement. “It’s a small island somewhere off the coast of the cheese-eating surrender continent.”

“Elizabeth, don’t just look at that porn, bend over and pick it up,” he snapped at his secretary. The long-suffering Elizabeth, a former model with an architectural hairstyle bent over hesitantly, expecting the usual fondling, only to receive a boot in her ass instead.

“Why don’t you look like any of those centrefolds?” he sneered. “Don’t we pay you enough to get your fucking tits done? Here, take this,” he said, writing her a cheque for $10,000. “Now go to a plastic surgeon and get yourself some DDs. Don’t come back in here without them.”

“Yeah, what was I saying?” he said, turning back to his computer screens as Elizabeth slunk out of the room crying. “Oh yeah, the Ireland/Iceland thing. One of them has totally insolvent banks and now the country’s up to its ears in debt. Jesus, which one was it?” he said, before pausing to look for something in a small drawer and coming back up sniffing frenetically and rubbing his nose.

“Fuck it, time is money, baby!” he said. “It’s time to make a decision! Raise Ireland’s interest rates, then call Moody’s and have their bonds downgraded to junk status.”

Brian Cowen prepares to do what is necessary for Ireland.

“Whoo!” he yelled as the markets reacted, getting him $50 million closer to his $1 billion retirement goal. “That’s how the world works, bitch!”

“God, that makes me horny!” he said, fidgeting compulsively and looking around for his porn collection. “Goddamnit, where did that stupid bitch Elizabeth take my porn? Never mind, somebody call the Village Big Man of this Ireland place and have him or her get the fuck over here to suck my dick for bankrupting their country.”

In Ireland, Taoiseach Brian Cowen announced higher taxes and yet more cuts to social welfare and government services, before putting some scarlet lipstick on and catching the flight to New York.