As FF Gets 17.4%, Calls Grow for Reform of National Anthem

Dublin – The Irish have long had to put up with the stereotype of being stupid, but this weekend’s election results have allowed scientists to measure the number of morons among the adult population at exactly 387,408, the number of people who voted for Fianna Fáil.

Research shows the stereotypical stupid Irish man accounts for 17.4% of the population.

Having governed for the last 14 years, Fianna Fáil openly shot the Celtic Tiger by failing to regulate the financial industry, ignoring a massive property bubble, eroding the tax base, allowing public sector wages to balloon out of control, and when confronted by the inevitable collapse of the economy issuing a blanket bank guarantee that left the Irish taxpayer on the hook for €145 billion.

Despite bankrupting the nation through its own appalling incompetence and corruption, Fianna Fáil secured 387,408 votes in the general election, confirming that the stereotype of the stupid Irish has some basis in fact.

“17.4% is an awful lot of dingbats for any population,” said Prof. Harriet Feehan (57), professor of social psychology at UCC, looking perplexedly at the figures. “I mean, we would expect the number of total retards in any nation to be somewhere from 5-10%. Ireland, however, has almost double that number of mentally defective imbeciles.”

“There’s got to be some other factor in play here,” she said, frowning in concentration.

After a long brainstorming session with her colleagues, Feehan stumbled across a horrifying possibility. “When the thought first came to me, my blood ran cold,” she said, shivering at the memory. “I was afraid to even say it, but I knew it was true.”

"Would FF really do something this monstrous to their own people? Where have you been?!" snorted Feehan.

“But it’s monstrous, absolutely monstrous…” she stopped, looking up in disbelief. “I mean, what organisation would do something so irremediably evil to its own people?”

She looked out the window at a poster of Micheál Martin saying ‘Real Plan. Better Future.’ “God, who am I talking about?” she asked despairingly. “Of course they did it. Jesus H. Christ.”

Feehan’s research clearly demonstrates that, for decades, Fianna Fáil have successfully brainwashed the Irish people with the first line of the national anthem.

“It’s ingenious,” she admitted, taking a deep drag from her cigarette. “I mean, all anyone knows is the first line – ‘Sinne Fianna Fáil’ – then everyone hums along until they get near the end and can starting shouting ‘Come on, Ireland!’ and stuff like that.”

“When you do that on every national occasion, every major sporting occasion, and at the end of every pub gig and karaoke night, pretty soon what you have are a nation of idiots who think we should all be Fianna Fáil.”

Bertie Ahern leads the people in the national brainwashing before a major GAA game.

Lab tests on traditional Fianna Fáil voters rapidly proved the hypothesis to be correct.

“I’m a proud patriot, and a proud Fianna Fáil man, and I’ll be a proud Irish Fianna Fáil man until I die!” thundered local halfwit Tomás O’Leary (50), a big red-faced farmer from Macroom. “I won’t vote for any of those ould blueshirts and Commies.”

“Sinne Fianna Fáil!” he bellowed, before humming along wordlessly through the next few bars and finally erupting in deafening roars of “C’mon Cork!”

“Frightening, isn’t it?” observed Prof. Feehan as she watched through the two-way mirror.

However, Fianna Fáil’s traditional death grip on the Irish imagination has weakened to a mere 17.4% because of the introduction in the late 1990s of a new anthem, Ireland’s Call, to be sung at rugby matches as a compromise with northern Unionists.

Initially rejected by many, Ireland’s Call has become popular due its rousing melody and comprehensible lyrics in a language most Irish people can understand.

Patriots put the lyrics of Ireland's Call on Croke Park's big screen to break the national brainwashing.

“Obviously it takes time for something like this to have an effect,” said Prof. Feehan. “But the effect is clear. Fianna Fáil hasn’t changed; it was always corrupt and incompetent and made Ireland the only third world country in Western Europe.

“What changed is the brainwashing effect of the national anthem has weakened sufficiently for most people to break free.”

“Now we have to reform the national anthem, and help the remaining 17.4% of mindless zombie Fianna Fáil voters regain their senses and possibly even contribute to the community – by not voting for Fianna Fáil.”

“If it wasn’t for those patriotic Unionists in the North, Ireland may never have broken free,” she said with a shudder.

Although many have expressed skepticism, Feehan maintains that no other logical answer to the 17.4% enigma exists. “I know it all sounds outlandish,” said Feehan, stubbing out her cigarette, “but do you have any other explanation for how Fianna Fáil could have gotten 17.4% in this election?”

Fight Begins for Last 166 Jobs in Ireland

Rep. of Ireland – The nation’s favourite reality TV show, The General Election, begins today with 566 contestants fighting to claim the last 166 jobs in Ireland.

The General Election, a traditionally popular TV extravaganza, asks the people of Ireland to choose every five years the lucky 166 people who will be given a bucket load of cash every year, plus a secure pension, for doing absolutely nothing.

"Election 2011 - The Last 166 Jobs in Ireland" is expected to draw millions of viewers.

Traditionally advertised as being ‘the best jobs for the laziest hoors in Ireland,’ this year’s General Election will have the added attraction of advertising the last jobs in Ireland.

Reality TV analyst Knowall Whelan said: “This is shaping up to be the best show we’ve ever had. What with the country collapsing and thousands of people leaving for foreign shores every month, the competition for the last 166 jobs will be fierce.”

“After all, for the losers nothing awaits except the coffin ships to the States,” pronounced Whelan, “so it really is a matter of life and death for the candidates. If they don’t get in as TDs today, they’ll be in the same boats as the rest of us.”

“I’m tellin’ you,” he chortled, “no one wants to wake up tomorrow as an ordinary citizen of Ireland!”

Ireland has traditionally favoured fat red-faced men from FF, for inexplicable reasons.

For a long time the nation has overwhelmingly chosen fat, red-faced men from Fianna Fáil to be the winners of The General Election. However, the public has grown tired of fat, red-faced men recently due to overexposure to previous winners Bertie Ahern and Brian Cowen, and there is a feeling that a change would reinvigorate the show’s popularity.

“It’s time for women to have a bigger presence in The General Election,” declared liberal TV critic Elaine Burn. “Women need to support and encourage strong female candidates like Lucinda Creighton to ensure greater equality for all Irish citizens.”

Creighton, the Equalities spokeswoman for Fine Gael, then came out against gay marriage in a Tweet that read: “I think marriage is primarily about children, main purpose being to propagate & create environment for children to grow up. I think civil partnership should ensure gay couples r treated fairly and justly re tax inheritance etc & recognition by the State But marriage is different.”

“That fucking bitch!” snapped Burn when she read the Tweet. “Riding around in her fuck-me boots – what did she suck to get the Equalities position in Fine Gael?”

“If I see her on the street I’m going to bitch-slap her and yank her badly-dyed blond hair out.”

"I'll give you one guess what she sucked to get that post," snarled Elaine Burn spitefully.

With passions running high, the public is looking forward to seeing sparks fly, particularly from maverick outsiders trying to make one final impression.

“We need honesty and integrity in public life,” bellowed Gerry Adams, head of Sinn Féin. “Fianna Fáil and the bankers and developers have robbed this country blind and lied to us all the way. If you vote for me, I’ll find out their secrets; I’ll find out where the bodies are buried and I’ll find out what happened to the money in our banks.”

Labour’s Eamon Gilmore was originally a leading frontrunner in the early stages, but his support has dwindled as the public realised he too is a fat, red-faced man. The almost certain winner of The General Election, much to the disappointment of all, will be a middle-aged Mayo farmer, Enda Kenny.

“It’s just like the Lotto,” sighed Knowall Whelan. “You get all excited when there’s a big jackpot, then it goes to some ould lad from the West who has no idea what to do with it.”

A middle-aged Mayo farmer celebrates victory, much to everyone's disappointment.

Some voters remain unimpressed by the hype, however. “Every five years we get all het up over this General Election nonsense,” grumbled Henry Gardner (62) as he walked down to the polling station.

“If Ireland actually had any vibrant, dynamic young people left, they would have been on the streets protesting against the bankruptcy of the nation. Did you see anyone protesting? No. That’s because we don’t have any vibrant, dynamic young people.”

“We vote for the fat, red-faced, lazy hoors because that’s who we are,” he said, before ticking the box for Fianna Fáil and stalking out of the polling booth.

Nation Agrees Final Leadership Debate Won by O’Callaghan

Dublin – After watching last night’s final leadership debate before the election, the Irish people were almost unanimous in agreeing it had been comprehensively won by Miriam O’Callaghan.

Presenter Miriam O’Callaghan showed a tremendous grasp of policy and the important questions facing the nation, and also projected an air of calm confidence and control, while Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin, and Eamon Gilmore looked increasingly like men completely out of their depth.

Miriam O'Callaghan comfortably beat the aborted foetus, the plank of wood, and the well-shaven Santa.

“Of course she’s also a very telegenic woman,” said Pat Johnson (54), in a gathering of voters in Dublin S.E. to discuss the debate. “Whereas Enda Kenny looks like a well-varnished plank of wood, Eamon Gilmore looks like Santa with the beard shaved off, and Micheál Martin looks like an aborted foetus.”

“But it was really her grasp of important policy issues that impressed me,” he said, to nods all round. “She was the only one trying to discuss the really big problems facing the country. And you’d never have heard her saying, ‘Check the RTE website for details,’ or spending her whole time attacking other people because she had nothing to say herself.”

“She’s got my No. 1 on Friday,” he concluded, pounding his fist on the table.

Others were impressed by her ability to maintain control amid the irritating bickering and squabbling. Laura Brogan (67) said that Ireland really needed an experienced mother like Miriam O’Callaghan to take charge of the Dáil.

O'Callaghan has long been famous for her ability to control Ireland's notoriously badly behaved politicians.

“Sure, what did we see last night only three men throwing tantrums and launching toys out of their prams at each other? Gilmore would have pulled Martin’s hair over the HSE, if he had any, while Enda spent the whole debate so scared that Martin would belt him in the face he wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“But as a mother of eight, Miriam was well able to keep them in hand, although I think she should have given that Martin lad a clip round the ear and told him to cop onto himself. But we’ll need someone like that to keep the Dáil in line when there’s 166 of them in one room, all bawling and raging over who took their pocket money away.”

“Miriam is the right woman for the job,” she said stoutly.

The three men in the debate were considered particularly uninspiring in comparison.

“Has Micheál Martin no sense of shame?” thundered Mark Ryan (34), looking around incredulously. “There he was, yapping away at the end of the table, accusing the other parties of dishonesty. Dishonesty! As if his government hadn’t personally lied to the country about the IMF. We had to have reporters go out on the street asking foreigners in business suits: ‘Are you the IMF?’ in order to get the truth.”

Most agreed that Martin deserved a clip round the ear from O'Callaghan for his boorish heckling and hypocrisy.

“And what about his statement that the Dutch were unhappy with their healthcare system? God, I had no idea our country was overrun with Dutch medical tourists coming here just to take advantage of the HSE. They must keep a very low profile, unlike the IMF.”

“So we had one group of lads who weren’t in the country despite the fact everyone could see them and another group who apparently are flooding the country even though they’re invisible.”

“What’s his plan for economic recovery? Raid the strategic leprechaun gold reserve?” snorted Mr. Ryan. “If he thinks I’m voting for him ahead of Miriam O’Callaghan, he’s more deluded than his own economic growth forecasts.”

While Martin’s astonishing levels of hypocrisy throughout the debate took centre stage, many were also unimpressed with Enda Kenny’s impersonation of Dustin the Turkey.

“If I wanted to see a man with someone else’s hand up his arse putting words in his mouth, I’d watch The Den,” declared Theresa Prior (26). “Sure what’s he going to do for us in Europe? Do you think Angela Merkel has someone’s hand up her arse? She’s the puppet master; she’d have Enda back here squawking about how we need to give money to support autobahn construction in the former East, while we’re eating nettle soup.”

Dustin the Turkey has a bad track record in Europe, but may still be a safer bet than Enda Kenny.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore’s soft core emotional rhetoric about families made many people nauseous.

“Oh, won’t somebody please think of the family?” mocked Ms. Prior, to great laughter. “Oh ye aging housewives of Ireland, please vote for Eamon Gilmore and the family!”

All present laughed appreciatively, as they had the security of knowing that at least one person at the debate looked capable of running the country.

“God only knows what we’d do without Miriam,” sighed Laura Brogan. “I’d hate to think of the country being run by any of those other three gobshites.”

EU Regulators Astonished as Bankers Reveal Investment in Pluto

Dublin – To national dismay and international incredulity, the follies of the Celtic Tiger were revealed today to extend beyond the confines of our shores, and even our planet, as Irish lenders systematically invested in property development in the furthest reaches of our solar system.

The Irish taxpayer, for a mere €100 billion, now owns that little dot on the left.

The banks finally came clear on the investment this morning in a meeting with NAMA directors and the EU/IMF economic advisory team.

“We’d demanded they reveal, once and for all, the true extent of their losses,” said Franz Schwarzloch, senior economic advisor to the ECB. “And they were blarneying on as if they’d been licking the Bullshit Stone in Cork all night, when they suddenly mumbled something about ‘the Plutonian scheme.’”

“At first, I thought they must have said plutonium, and that they had been selling fissile material on the black market to terrorists and rogue dictators,” said Mr. Schwarzloch. “But, while that would have been illegal and immoral, it would also have been too profitable and logical a business venture for an Irish banker to get involved in.”

“Then I asked them to clarify it and they told me. And then they gave me some smelling salts and told me again. Finally they came to visit me in hospital and explained it a third time, after which the doctor said they weren’t allowed to visit any more.”

Ireland's reverence for the Bullshit Stone is seen by many as a key element in the collapse.

The former planet of Pluto, reclassified since 2006 as part of the Kuiper Belt rather than a member of the solar system, is home to a projected €100 billion in Irish real estate development, including a luxurious casino hotel resort, a convention centre, and the Bertie Bowl.

 “It’s like they just wanted to throw that money down a black hole,” added Schwarzloch despairingly.

According to the minutes of the meeting, a consortium of bankers and property developers had come together in 2004 to put together a secret plan to corner the real estate market on Pluto.

“Sure, it looked then like a secret gem,” said Sean Fitzgerald of Anglo Irish Bank, who was renowned in 2004 for his shrewd investment skills. “It had a great location right on the edge of the known universe with a mere 572-year commute to Dublin – Pluto was the new Leitrim.”

The consortium had already invested €75 billion when the International Astronomical Union (IAU) rezoned Pluto outside the solar system in August 2006, despite the persistent lobbying efforts of well-connected politicians.

“That rezoning of Pluto was one of the worst decisions the IAU ever made,” said then Taoiseach Bertie Ahern. “Pluto was a crucial part of the solar system’s economy; it had testicles everywhere, and when they burst loose they knocked off some of Neptune’s coons and blasted holes in the sphincter rings of Saturn.”

“And don’t even get me started on Uranus,” sighed Ahern.

"Sure, Pluto is even more attractive a location than Leitrim," protested a bewildered Sean Fitzpatrick.

Despite the intense lobbying of FF politicians, the IAU refused to rezone Pluto, causing land values to collapse in the Kuiper Belt. Fortunately for the consortium, the Irish government agreed to take over their troubled Plutonian asset, fully recompensed all members of the consortium, and is now trying to find a buyer.

Selling Pluto and the other NAMA assets is now crucial to Ireland’s economic survival. According to Colm McCarthy, “The [bailout] plan is viable if €100bn of the remaining loan assets can be sold at a small discount to book value. If the €100bn loan books fetch €90-€95bn, the resulting equity gap could possibly be made up within existing provisions. But if the discount is 30 per cent or 40 per cent, the resources are not within the financial resources of the Irish Government.”

“If we can’t find someone willing to shell out €90 billion for a piece of frozen rock in deep space, 478 trillion miles from civilisation, then we’re screwed.”

Liberals Vow to Fight Bush’s Democratic Wave in Middle East

Washington – In developments that have struck nausea and outrage into America’s liberals, the people of the Middle East are rising up to overthrow dictators and demand their democratic human rights, exactly as George Bush planned.

To the fury of American liberals, the Bush Push for Arab democracy is working.

In 2003, the liberal community mocked George Bush’s ‘Greater Middle East Initiative,’ which was a “forward strategy of freedom” that would bring “God’s gift of democracy” to the Arab world through a righteous war that would make Iraq a “beacon of freedom” in the Middle East.

“One cannot simply impose one’s own ethnocentric practices onto a different region,” said well-known liberal activist Prof. Gerald Jose-Nibombe-Kwang-Tatanka Huffington in 2003. “The war in Iraq is simply a machination of transnational capitalist interests launching a neo-colonial drive against the oppressed masses, on whose behalf I campaign so tirelessly.”

“This medieval ‘Greater Middle East Initiative’ is an embarrassment to our enlightened liberal values,” he added superciliously.

Now, in 2011, much to the gobsmacked disgust of Prof Huffington and liberal cosmopolitan elites everywhere, the Bush plan seems to be working.

After establishing democracy in Iraq, a democratic wave is sweeping the Middle East, with massive protests toppling dictators in Tunisia and Egypt, and now further pro-democracy demonstrations are erupting in Algeria, Yemen, Libya and Bahrein.

The cosmpolitan multi-ethnic liberal Prof. Huffington said he wanted to rip off Bush's nuts and shove them up his ass.

“But surely this has much more to do with Obama and his inspirational liberal visions!” spluttered Prof. Huffington. “That barbaric, ill-educated Texan yahoo had nothing to do with it!”

Sadly for Prof. Huffington, the historical record shows otherwise. In 2005, as part of the Greater Middle East Initiative, Bush’s Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said in a major policy speech in Cairo: “For 60 years, my country, the United States, pursued stability at the expense of democracy in this region, here in the Middle East, and we achieved neither. Now, we are taking a different course. We are supporting the democratic aspirations of all people. It is time to abandon the excuses that are made to avoid the hard work of democracy.”

In 2009, Obama did his level best to backtrack from this position and explain that the US had no intention of supporting democracy in the Middle East.

Said Obama: “I know there has been controversy about the promotion of democracy in recent years, and much of this controversy is connected to the war in Iraq. So let me be clear: no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other.”

Pro-democracy activists in the Middle East march under the banner of their hero, George Bush.

Fortunately for the people of Egypt, Obama’s craven liberal climbdown came too late to halt the ‘Bush Push’ for democracy.

“Why did American liberals think we would listen to some black Muslim? That’s exactly the kind of person who’s oppressing us,” said Rafina Larat (27), one of the pro-democracy protesters in Tahrir Square.

“What we needed was a big white American man wearing a Stetson hat, a real-life John Wayne ready to take his Winchester and bring Texas justice to the lawless and anti-democratic frontier.”

“George Bush WE LOVE YOU!” screamed Ms. Larat to cheers, before the crowd began waving posters of Bush and chanting “George Bush-u Akbar! George Bush-u Akbar!”

Seeing millions of democratic activists in the Middle East idolise their hero George Bush has sparked fury across the American liberal establishment.

American liberals fight pro-democracy activists in the Middle East.

“This outrage cannot be allowed to spread!” roared Prof. Huffington at a convention for literary academics and social scientists. “We must don our riot gear and immediately leave for these troubled dictatorships to help beat some sense into these protesting morons.”

“My fellow liberals, we must take up arms to fight democracy in the Middle East!”

The matter was then put to a vote, which unanimously called for a state-funded conference to discuss how best to uphold repressive Middle East dictatorships and thwart the evil plans of George Bush.

After 14 Years, Micheál Martin Finally Promises to Clean Out Garage

Cork – After fourteen years of sitting on his arse doing nothing about the mess he’s made in the garage, Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin today said that he was finally going to clean it out – much to the skepticism of his wife.

During his time in government, Mr. Martin and his gang of Fianna Fáilers have used the garage as a dumping ground for empty brown manila envelopes, Galway Races betting slips funded by property developers, golf scorecards with Seanie Fitzgerald’s signature, and even the decomposing remains of Bertie Ahern, Brian Cowen, and Mary Harney.

Micheal Martin reflects on the damage he and his Fianna Fail friends have done to the garage.

Now the neighbours have had enough of the foul rotting stench of decay arising from the garage and insist it be cleaned out.

Said Mr. Martin: “For the first time in an Irish neighbourhood the issue of garage reform is taking centre stage. Unfortunately too much of the debate is about gimmicks which will have little or no real impact. Only I, with the aid of my loyal Fianna Fáil cohorts, can truly clean give us the clean, neat, efficient garage we need for the 21^st century.”

Martin’s wife, Mary O’Shea, stubbed out her cigarette and disdainfully blew smoke into his face. “You’ve been throwing junk into that garage for the last 14 years!” she snapped irritably. “And your Fianna Fáil cohorts were the ones helping you do it. If ye hadn’t made such an arse of it in the first place, we wouldn’t have had to sell the car and there wouldn’t be rats eating the kids’ lunch.”

“It’s no wonder the neighbours are so pissed off at us,” she said, looking warily out the window at a bunch of protesters demanding that the Martins and their shady Fianna Fáil gangster friends be evicted.

“Perhaps we should ask that nice Enda Kenny for help, or maybe even Eamon Gilmore,” she said with a sigh. “Or even Gerry Adams, if we get totally fucking desperate – and we pretty much are.”

"How can you trust someone to clean up a mess if they don't know how to make one?" asked Martin with Cork logic.

Mr. Martin looked visibly shocked at the idea that anyone else would be allowed to clean up the garage he and his Fianna Fáil colleagues had had exclusive use of for over a decade.

“But over the last week a clear difference has emerged between Fianna Fáil and the other parties in relation to how we intend to clean to garage,” argued Martin, hurt. “Each of the other parties is proposing to leave our current system of garage government effectively unchanged.”

“In contrast, our proposals would involve a transformation of our garage.”

Mary O’Shea rolled her eyes and prayed for strength. “Yeah, your proposals for cleaning look garage look great,” she said sarcastically. “Now here’s a mop and bucket – why don’t you get started with it?”

Mr. Martin hastily backed away from the vicious instruments of proletarian rebellion. “Now, now, let’s not just rush in without thinking. Reforming our garage space is an important decision. We can’t just run in and start doing things.”

Striking the statesmanlike pose of a man handing a bowl of shamrocks to the US president, Martin explained how he would clean the garage.

"I'll get round to the garage in a minute!" procrastinated Martin, while his wife glared at him.

“We will have real reform of the garage and garage management only when we are willing to rethink key structures which have been in place for most of our history and let us be in charge of the garage. We will have real refom of the garage only when we are willing to move beyond gimmicks about numbers and costs and brown envelopes and dead bodies and implement measures to make garage management more representative and more expert and accountable and Fianna Fáil.”

His wife slammed down the mop and bucket in disgust. “You’re only fucking sayin’ that because you think they’re going to take it off you,” she said. “And they should, given the mess you made out the place. Now will you go out there and start fucking cleaning or not?”

Mr. Martin lifted his hands helplessly . “I’ll clean it when I have a mandate from the people to do so,” he said sincerely. “I promise I will, really. You can trust me.”

“I’m the only man who can reclaim the garage from hooligans like me and the other Yahoos in Fianna Fáil.”

John Banville’s Next Novel to be “Sexy Vampire Action Romance”

Dublin –If there is one thing I would not have expected Booker-prize winning Irish novelist John Banville to say during our interview, it’s that he intend to stop writing his uniquely lyrical and yet deeply cynical novels investigating the futility of human endeavours in favour of writing riotously sexy action vampire romances.

Banville said his public image as an intellectual distressed him greatly and was none of his doing.

And yet Banville (65), one of Ireland’s greatest living writers, declared his intention to radically change his aesthetic in response to changes in the national psyche.

“One morning, as the sun’s glair in the matudinal sky flared cruelly like the bonfire of all human vanities, a thought trembled fragilely among my stringy and vibrating synapses,” mused Banville as he leafed idly through the pages of Diderot’s 18^th century encyclopaedia.

“For decades now, the sight of pale melanochroids gliding imprintless over the concrete grass of Dublin’s cancerous streets has filled me with quiet despair. I have not been fooled by lustrous sheen of the Celtic Tiger’s fur – I have seen its bicuspids glittering in the dark and known that all was folly, that not just our dreams but our very selves were artifices designed to hide from us the knowledge of our inevitable and welcome failure.”

“But now the twilight world has swiftly followed noon’s brief zenith, I thought: ‘Fuck it, John, no one wants to hear about that shit. Write about something with gunfights and tits and teenage vampires and fart jokes. God knows, people could do with some light entertainment.’”

Following his Muse’s clear and strikingly crass voice, Banville has decided to stop writing artworks loved by the few and start writing pulp fiction for the many, who are so desperately in need of cheap escapism right now.

“My initial drafts looked something like this,” said Banville, allowing us the rare privilege of viewing the literary mind at work.

"The last thing Irish people need now is more elegiac and poignant stories of loss," said Banville.

A paragraph read: “Bella was so frightened she could barely see over her gigantically heaving bosom. ‘O Jedward,’ she gasped, turning to her cool, gentlemanly lovers, the vampire twin singing sensations. ‘How can you remain so calm, so manly, so rock hard in the face of these desperadoes with their guns?’ Jedward, their PVC outfits glittering in the sunlight, replied huskily, ‘Stay calm, sugartits. We’re gonna blow them away,’ before turning and farting insolently at their attackers.

Fantastic, I assured Banville, a guaranteed populist triumph.

“I thought so, too,” said Banville, snatching the pages away. “But then I pondered if perhaps my own voice might not be the perfect river for such narrative craft? Plot is mostly inconsequential to me; none of my best books had one. But perhaps this plebeian tale infused with my elegiac musings might bridge the Plutonian chasm between art and the public?”

Banville then showed me the latest drafts of his impending work, The Twilight Sea of the Jedward with the Dragon Tattoos. The earlier paragraph had now been transformed by the master’s idiosyncratic diction and poetic rhythms:

“The raven Bella, only dimly aware of the futility of hot-blooded animal desires in a coldly indifferent universe, was half-blinded by her own tumultuous mammaries. ‘O Jedward,’ she breathed with an air of faintly ludicrous mourning, half-conscious of the Socratic irony of speaking of deep matters of love while Death’s superficial grin drew near. ‘How can you remain so calm, so manly, so rock hard in the face of these desperadoes with their guns?’

"My new book will be much more accessible to air-headed teenage girl dimwits," said Banville.

The melanochroidal twins watched one of the desperadoes trip over a fallen branch and laughed in amazement at the richness of the world, which always has some comfort to offer. ‘Stay calm, sugartits. We’re gonna blow them away,’ they said, curiously feeling their own indifference to the raging gale of flatulence thundering vengefully through their tortuous bowels. As the storm erupted from the contracted sphincters, Jedward felt the faint touch of ridiculousness that always comes with having a body made of liquids and gases, even as the noxious fumes cleared a path to safety.’”

Incomparable, I gushed, a masterpiece to rival Kepler or The Book of Evidence. “This could mean your Nobel,” I said in awe.

“Perhaps,” nodded Banville gravely. “It’s certainly bad enough. But really, I just hope it’s truly awful enough for the public to love it and take their minds off the recession for a while.”

GAA Exorcises Demonic Foreign Influences from Croke Park

Dublin – In a brave but somewhat medieval effort to halt the encroachment of foreign control over Irish life, the great and holy of the GAA gathered last night at midnight in Croke Park to exorcise the demonic influence of foreign sports from the heart of Irish natural culture.

Croke Park, the fourth-largest stadium in Europe, has traditionally been reserved exclusively for Gaelic games, with absolutely no space at all for any of those English sports which are lamentably so popular with the youth.

Satan's soccer-playing minions openly desecrated the holy turf of Croker from 2007-2010.

However, from 2007-2010 the GAA – in a foolish fit of modernity – allowed rugby and soccer to be played in the spiritual cradle of Irishness and things have never been the same since.

“Yea, was it prophesied in 2007 that the introduction of foreign sports into the sacred lands of Ireland would lead to ruin,” said Big Dan Holohan (62), member of the Kilkenny county board and noted GAA hardliner.

“And that when foreign boots did kick unnaturally shaped balls on Ireland’s greenest field, the country would lose its sovereignty and once again become a vassal state.”

“And the people of Ireland would be cast down in darkness, and scattered to the four corners of the Earth, to scrape out a living as illegal construction workers and buskers.”

“Many were those who mocked us, and said we were an organisation living in the past,” said Holohan, looking around at the grave, silent faces. “Who’s living in the past now? Emigration in the hundreds of thousands, the land being ruled by foreigners – if we don’t fuckin’ do this we’ll have famine beatin’ down our doors by next winter!” he thundered.

As midnight struck, the GAA began the exorcism of Croke Park.

The Jeremiads of GAA hardliners in 2007 have proven eerily accurate.

“In nomine patris, de Valera, et Michael Collins,” intoned the Archbishop of Cashel gravely, holding a relic of the true cross over the faint outline of a soccer centre circle while stout GAA hardliners burned peat briquettes atop sharpened pitchforks.

“We invoke the name of our saviours Michael Davitt and the Lord Jesus Christ to cleanse this sacred Irish turf of the iniquitous influence of those damned abominations soccer and rugby.”

“I cast thee out, Satan and all his English sports!” roared the Archbishop suddenly as burning flames leapt to the sky amid ghostly shrieks from the lingering spirits of the English rugby team that lost 43-13 to Ireland at Croke Park.

“And the Devil’s fornicating French with you!” bellowed the Archbishop, lashing at the ghostly echo of Nicolas Anelka scoring a crucial goal against Ireland in the World Cup playoffs in Nov. 2009.

While the spirits howled blasphemously tuneful versions of God Save the Queen, grimly determined men led the heresiarchs Brian O’Driscoll and Robbie Keane onto the field to sacrifice them to the vengeful God of the Old Testament, who made a brief disappearance from Irish Catholicism but is now back with a bad headache and an almighty thirst for blood.

GAA hardliners gather to watch the heretics be consumed in righteous flame.

“Jesus, what the fuck are you doing?” stammered Robbie Keane in terror, as true believers doused him and O’Driscoll in holy petrol.

As the archbishop advanced with the Easter candle from Dublin Cathedral, O’Driscoll began to weep piteously. “I swear I’ll never do it again. I’ll never play foreign sports on the sacred turf of Croker. I repent, O Jesus, I repent!” he yelled.

But the GAA hardliners were immune to the Devil’s insidiously slithering lies and carried the ritual to its conclusion, consuming the unbelievers in the Lord’s righteous GAA flame.

And when the heresiarchs perished, so did the stadium become quiet, and was bathed in gentle moonlight from heaven.

“Well, it was a tough decision, but we had to do it,” said GAA moderate Dennis Fallon (47) as they filed out of the stadium. “Somebody has to do something to save this country, and have you looked at the shower of gobshites running in the election?”

“No,” he said, with a firm shake of the head, “the exorcism of Croke Park was our best bet to save Ireland.”

Drug Gangs Ask Government to Regulate Drug-Pushing Grannies

Dublin – As the recession hits, Ireland’s professional drug dealers have joined forces to call on the government to regulate the drug trade more strictly and prevent the streets being flooded with grandmothers dealing prescription drugs.

Mrs. Tuohy said she had no intention of stopping and the pigs could put that in their pipe and smoke it.

Recent police reports suggest that Dublin is experiencing a wave of amateur drug dealing, as pensioners facing reduced welfare and higher bills make ends meet by selling prescription drugs and, when possible, their own bodies.

“Sure, what harm?” cackled Mags Tuohy (76) as she hovered behind a bus stop in Ranelagh, casting furtive glances around at potential plain clothes police officers. “How else am I supposed to make ends meet? I’d go on the fuckin’ game as well, but it’s a real niche market at my age.”

“It’s the pigs, Granno, leg it!” shrieked her lookout, 12 year-old grandson Tommy, as a lone squad car pulled up. Mrs. Tuohy hobbled into a nearby church, tossed the Zopiclone in the baptismal font, and knelt down with all the other elderly female drug dealers pretending to say decades of the Rosary.

The sudden upsurge in elderly women selling drugs on Dublin’s once-mean streets has become a cause of great concern for local professionals.

“There was a time when dealing drugs meant that you were a qualified professional with certain well-regarded skills,” said Jimmy “The Penguin” Rabbitte as he and other leading drug dealers gathered outside Leinster House to lobby for stricter regulation.

“People who didn’t know about the trade knew better than to get involved. If they wanted something, they simply called the professionals. We maintained a strict watch on our own trade practices to ensure both healthy competition and a fair market share for all.”

Drug dealers and their employees gather to lobby the Dail for stricter regulation.

“But now we’re just totally overrun with pensioners flogging painkillers,” he said, gesturing helplessly at the city he once thought he knew. “The government has to do something about this growing problem.”

The Irish have long been known for their taste for alcohol, but during the boom years they branched out into a wide variety of recreational drugs, creating growth for entrepreneurial activities in the leisure market.

This market was previously well organised by a number of leading corporations, or ‘gangs’ as they are known in Dublin business parlance. However, the downturn in the Irish economy, coupled with the robust performance of the recreational drug market, has encouraged a flood of amateur speculation that is seriously damaging the competitiveness of established concerns.

“The growing number of amateur OAP drug pushers is causing a serious decline in the average quality of the Irish product,” said Mr. Rabbitte gravely.

Stillorgan wet T-shirt champion Paul Mulvey said he hated how people kept staring at his breasts.

“Some of these grandmothers have been selling hormone replacement therapy drugs to young boys on the street. Now we have so many teenage boys with breasts that Ladyboy Lovers magazine named Ireland second only to Thailand as the international destination of choice.”

“And the wet T-shirt contests in Stillorgan just can’t be good for regular tourism.”

Mr. Rabbitte and the other members of the drug-dealing lobby say that Ireland’s international drug dealing reputation is suffering with each day of government inaction.

“Reputation is everything on the international drug markets,” said Mr. Rabbitte knowledgeably. “People have to believe that you’re a serious business. Now that everyone thinks we’re just a bunch of penniless old women, we can’t get any credit or leeway off the international markets.”

The group is calling for the government to introduce a new drug-dealing license that certifies those legitimately allowed to sell hard drugs on the streets of the capital.“It’s the only way to restore faith in our national drug markets,” said Mr. Rabbitte.

The government, however, rejected calls for legislation and says it intends to stick by the free-market ideology that has powered Irish growth in the 21^st century.

Twittering Media Fascinated by Egyptian Tweets, Popular Uprising

New York – As angry and downtrodden Egyptians rise up against the dictatorial rule of Hosni Mubarak, sparking global discussion about social and political transformation in the Middle East, the titans of world media have concluded that, really, Twitter is just so awesome.

Only 20% of the Egyptian population may have access to the Internet, and hardly anyone now that Mubarak has shut down the Internet service providers, but that hasn’t stopped news networks recognising and praising the power of social media whenever they talk about Egypt.

Egyptian protesters said they were mystified by these bizarre questions from US news networks.

“The use of social media is the most fascinating aspect of this whole revolution,” declared Piers Morgan of CNN as thousands of protesters in Tahrir Square stood up for justice, human rights, and democracy. “I mean, where would these people be without Facebook and, in particular, Twitter?”

“Where would any of us be?” he asked. “Just the other night I tweeted my private list to see if anyone wanted to try out the new French restaurant on 42^nd street and in thirty minutes a group of us met up and had a lovely basil salmon terrine with an exquisite Chablis.”

“Egyptian and New Yorker alike are united by the global power of Twitter,” announced Morgan grandly.

In just a couple of years, Twitter has transformed the lives of leading media journalists and thus, by extension, the rest of humanity. Most leading journalists now operate a Twitter feed so that they can Twitter on in public throughout the day.

Thomas Friedman of the New York Times was quick to extol the power of social media to make the world more American. “The diffusion of Twitter, Facebook and texting finally gives them a voice to talk back to their leaders and directly to each other,” wrote Friedman.

"Just think how quickly they could have built those things using Twitter," said Friedman.

“Prior to these innovative American inventions, Egyptians were unable to talk to each other directly. They had to use a primitive sign language and sniff each others’ bottoms for recognition.”

“But now that they have social media, they seem to be rapidly developing the rudiments of American culture! I’ll bet pretty soon they won’t dislike Israel any more, and will enjoy a peaceful democratic non-Islamic lifestyle, with plenty of bacon.”

No one, however, eclipsed MSNBC in its in-depth analysis of social media in Egypt. (None of the following dialogue is invented – Ed.)

“Where would we be today, this week literally now, without this electronic communication in Egypt?” asked Lawrence O’Donnell of MSNBC to Chris Hughes, co-founder of Facebook, who was naturally on air to discuss the Egyptian crisis.

“Technology is a lifeblood of what’s going on here,” said Hughes. “I mean, we can even imagine here in America, if we didn‘t have cell phones, if we only had limited access to land lines, no Twitter, no Facebook, none of this stuff, we wouldn‘t know how to find a mass group of people in a small town or a city.”

As well as allowing people who live a stone’s throw from each other to communicate without throwing stones, Facebook also apparently maintains world peace.

"Facebook and Twitter are the uncovered breasts of Liberty leading the people," declared O'Donnell.

“I mean, it sounds to me, Chris—you‘ve thought about this more than the rest of us,” began O’Donnell, deferentially bowing to the Facebook co-founder’s knowledge of Egyptian politics, “that turning off the Internet could actually lead to more violence, because people could find themselves with less ability to organize peacefully and their actions would start to become more random.”

“Yeah, that’s absolutely true,” said Hughes, as the screen behind him showed thousands of people chanting in unison, being led by a man with a megaphone.

“Although somehow the French managed to have a revolution without Facebook or Twitter,” added O’Donnell, mystified.

As the protests continue, media networks have pledged that they will continue to follow events live on Facebook and Twitter, rather than go to Egypt and find out what’s going on.