New Irish Mail-Order Husband Service Surprisingly Successful
October 19, 2010 24 Comments
One of Ireland’s only recent economic success stories is a new mail-order husband service, http://www.GetYourGombeen.com, which offers to set foreign women up with impoverished Irish men desperate for a new start abroad. The company, set up by Russian entrepreneur Olga Shirova in 2009, has rapidly become a beacon of hope for many Irish men trapped in the middle of nowhere without the money to start a better life somewhere else.
Miss Shirova, a stunning blonde in a designer black Versace dress, modelled the service on the Russian mail-order bride service that originally brought her to the Ireland in 2007. “For me, as a young girl from Siberia, escaping to a richer life in the West was a hope I cherished throughout the long cold winters of my childhood. The mail-order bride company offered me a chance, and when an Irish man offered to take me away to the glamorous West, how could I refuse?”
“Of course, he didn’t explain that by “the West” he meant Sligo,” added Miss Shirova icily.
“After two years of marriage I claimed citizenship and divorced him, but now I had a shiftless ex-husband hanging around trying to bum money off me. I needed a way to get rid of him, but by then the recession had hit and there were no real Russian men still around to do the job.”
Fortunately, Miss Shirova hit upon an even better solution – selling off her husband by post to a woman from Latvia. “I had no idea many women abroad consider Irish men attractive partners,” said Miss Shirova. “I put him on Ebay as a joke, but he was snapped up within hours. That’s when I knew I was onto something big. This country is a goldmine of shiftless layabout men with poor hygiene and no money, and it seems the world is full of perverts who like that.”
According to research into the phenomenon by Trinity Professor of Economics Sheila Callaghan, Irish men are generally viewed by women who haven’t met any as “roguish, charming, funny, and darkly handsome.” Prof. Callaghan commented on the results, saying, “We wondered why – in the name of fucking Jesus! – anyone would want to pay money for an Irish husband. The results left our (all-female) research team flabbergasted. Those shifty conniving fuckers had just pulled off the greatest marketing swindle in business history.”
“Of course, as usual, they hadn’t done any of that work themselves. Our research showed that the image of the roguishly charming Irish male is largely a creation of the American media, and is usually played by non-Irish actors, like Tom Cruise in Far and Away. The lazy fat bastards lounging around this country are just riding the wave.”
That hasn’t stopped many Irish men from extolling it as the greatest wave they’ve ever ridden. Dessie O’Shaughnessy, formerly of Ballybegor and now Abu Dhabi, said signing up with http://www.GetYourGombeen.com was one of the best decisions he’d ever made. “Sure, what was I doin’ at home only pickin’ at me hole,” he said, lounging in a silken toga atop a waterbed in his luxurious apartments in the Royal Palace. “Then I signed up for the laugh, you know, and I got taken in by some Arabian princess who wanted an Irish man to complete her collection. It’s not a bad life; the lads in the harem are all sound, except for that French cunt, and the missus generally leaves us in peace, which is more than you could ask from an Irish bird.”
“I could murder a pint, though,” he added with a faraway stare in his eyes.
Robbie Bucket, formerly of North Dublin, had a less glamorous adventure but said he was still content with his decision. “Sure, I got bought by someone in Alabama and I thought, “States, yeah? States is deadly.” But then I got here and it’s not like the telly at all, it’s all fucking countryside and the missus thought because I was Irish I’d be used to it. I said, “Wha’? Do I look like a fuckin’ culchie or something?” But after a few fuck-ups like that it’s actually been all right, you know? She doesn’t nag me or nothing, whereas some Irish one’d always be in your fucking ear whinin’ on about somethin’. And I’ve never had it off with someone who wasn’t totally legless before, and it’s actually a lot better because you don’t have to worry about her pukin’.”
“She does keep asking me to stop saying “Jaysus,” though,” he admitted. “She’s a bit religious like that.”
Miss Shirova said that at least 35% of all men aged 18-35 in Ireland were now signed up with her company, and as the recession deepens she expects that to increase to over 50%. Both Irish men and Irish women said they were satisfied with that prospect.